Hi!

Disclaimer: English is my second language, i hope it's still understandable.

I'm 23, and my bf is 25, we have been together for 6 months now. I had 2 relationships before,the first one is a very chaotic, the second was 2 years long, but we were more like roomates.

I really like my current bf, he's great, says he loves me, compliments me, a lot, invites me everywhere, we already met with each other's parents and he regulalry says stuff like: when we are married... when we live together... So its going well.

Buut, I have a really low self-esteem and a very anxious attachment style I guess. And he is kind of a quiet, introverted type, doesn't really show emotions. We laugh a lot, but other than that, not much can be read from his face. And, I don't know. I'm always anxious if he loves me truly or not (because I don't see it on him (?), or if he has a bad mood, I automatically pick it up, and then I have a bad mood too. We jokingly depreciate each other sometimes,like "you're so stupid", "you're horrible" then laugh about it, but somehow It makes me think if he ment it.... When we don't agree on something, and you know, the air gets a little colder, I automatically think about "okay, what if we just broke up now/what if he wants to?" Like, running away is so much easier. Really scared of him leaving me for no reason.. I asked once and he even said that he rather repair a relationship than leaving it,but I'm still just scared of getting abandoned.

Just by typing these out, I see it's a really bad attitude/thinking patterns from me, but I really don't know what to do whit it,and why do they happen. I had similar feeling with my first bf, it was very toxic, since I said these out loud and he did too. The second relationship was much calmer, no bs like this,but also, we weren't really the love of each other's life, it was just good and convinient to be together (we lived together for 2 years, first time living without parents for both of us). But now, I really care about my bf, I really like him, would like to be with him, but all these anxious stupid mentality things I had with my first, came back. Altough I try not to vocalize and show these unrealistic feelings/thoughts. (I mean, unrealisticly dramatic/radical responses)

Did anyone else ever had a similar problem? I should deal with them somehow, it's obviously my problem, not his, I just don't know how, what to do about it, where to start.

Summary: I'm in a relationship for 6 months now, with someone I really like, but I'm really anxious, and have low self-esteem, but also don't want to ruin this, idk what to do with myself. I don't have money for therapy, but gladly accept book recommendations, tips and advices ❤️

Thank you if you comment anything! ❤️