Tell my bf that it's not OK that he is still friends with his ex

B_A_Hunter · 2023-07-31T14:14:19+00:00

Don't worry or fret too much about coming off as "insecure." It's OK to let some vulnerability show through. In fact, it could be beneficial. I wouldn't worry too much about who he stays in contact with. Just let him do his thing and don't worry overmuch about his business. In the end, he'll have to decide what's important to him. Who cares if he doesn't follow who you follow on social media sites and the like. I don't think personally that this is a very important thing to worry about. Tell him how you feel about it. In the end, all that matters is YOUR status in his life and his feelings and commitment towards you. I've never had a clue who all my husband talks to. Even when we were teenagers I had no idea. The only thing that has ever mattered is that I know he's all mine and he's committed to being faithful to the marriage, providing, protecting, etc., and that he will always be there and not leave. I think you should focus on those things.

ins0mniaa · 2023-07-31T14:54:40+00:00

Based on your text, it truly seems like he didn’t get over her. And if I was you, I would bring it up, because this is taking away your peace and trust. I would feel just like you. I don’t even think this has to do about jealousy, but like normal boundaries. He’s clearly feeding something in his head.

TheBunk_TB · 2023-07-31T16:40:45+00:00

He is still hung up on this woman

AquariusBear · 2023-07-31T18:09:31+00:00

It is ok that he is friends with her. But if it crosses a personal boundary of yours then it’s your responsibility to remove yourself from the relationship. It’s not his responsibility to change for you. Especially not in the dating phase. This phase is for weeding out men who are not a good fit for you. Despite your emotional connection he is not a good fit.

So how do you communicate this? “I feel uncomfortable/hurt/jealous/ whatever you feel when you communicate with your ex girlfriends. If this continues, I will have to exit this relationship”

So often we believe other people need to change for us. But that’s an unrealistic expectation. They are who they are, they are going to be who they are. If you manage to change them then you didn’t love them for who they were in the first place

Existing-Diver-2069 · 2023-07-31T17:45:01+00:00

You say 'our values align'. They DO NOT. You say he confessed he 'has commitment issues' and hope going to a psychiatrist will fix it. Obviously IT HAS NOT.

He is still somewhat attached to her by the continuous liking of her pics especially after admitting he is someone with commitment issues. THIS IS JUST THE SURFACE. I would feel uncomfortable if I were you.

My husband and I do not remain friends with any of our exes because it can open the door to a number of complex issues.

QueenWaffles · 2023-08-01T10:29:01+00:00

I think how you feel is completely valid, I wouldn’t call myself an extremely jealous person either but something like this would bother me in my relationship if this was the case for me. I think first and foremost you need to get very clear on what your boundaries are. If you talk to him about this and he still continues to like her posts/her friends and families posts, is that a good enough reason to break up with him? (in my opinion it is because it shows that he’s not willing to take your feelings into consideration and he’s only thinking about himself, red flag). Make this very clear. I don’t think this is you being insecure or unreasonable at all, I think it’s completely fair to be uncomfortable with your partner staying in contact with their ex. If this is what you believe as well, DO NOT let him try to say you are being insecure or unreasonable when you bring this up with him. That’s him gaslighting you, again, another red flag. Simply tell him that it is making you feel uncomfortable, and that alone should be enough for him to stop doing it if he really prioritises you and respects your feelings and boundaries.

Beaverdam11 · 2023-08-01T17:04:55+00:00

I'll probably get downvoted for this, but I'm very good friends with my ex. He's had a few girlfriends since we were together and I've had a few boyfriends. We are truthfully just friends and nothing more, but he is one of my closest friends in the world. I haven't deleted pictures and neither has he. It has nothing to do with "clinging to a past relationship". They're just memories.

Asking someone to ditch their friends can make someone feel controlled and trapped. You can end up pushing him away.

Are you positive there is something more there? Because if there isn't, it could backfire on you OP. Only you and he know the real dynamic of that past relationship. If he still has feelings for her, then I understand where you're coming from, but then ask yourself why are you with someone who hasn't gotten over his ex?

Staying friends does NOT mean he hasn't gotten over it, so there needs to be some other indication that this is so. If he really isn't over it, then you may want to move on instead.

pervygirl_social · 2023-08-03T13:57:21+00:00

It's ok to be vulnerable. Especially since he had commitment issues before, but at least he is working on it. I wouldn't give him an ultimatum or be strict with about his social media. But you should definitely talk to him about how this makes you feel. And it's more so that you feel that his focus should be on you and not his ex. Not forever, just while you rebuild.

AutoModerator · 2023-07-31T13:36:58+00:00

Title: Tell my bf that it's not OK that he is still friends with his ex

Full text: We (F26 and M27) were together for more than a year before I broke it off about six months ago. He was emotionally unavailable and told me he had commitment issues. He reached out again two months ago and told me he had been seeing a psychiatrist and working on himself and wanted us to try again. I really like him, our values align and so I said we could stay in touch, meet and see where it goes.

The first time we were in a relationship, I noticed he still had his ex on all his socials, and he liked all her posts. It bothered me, and I later told him I didn’t like him still staying in touch with her. She lives in a different country, they met when they studied and broke things off since he moved back home earlier when he was done with his studies. He told me they remained friends, and only spoke together casually on rare occasions. He promised that there were no feelings involved, and that I shouldn’t worry.

I'm not an extremely jealous person, I'm fine with him having female friends. I guess the main reason this bothers me is because he was emotionally unavailable in our relationship earlier, and I could see that he still followed all her friends and family as well and liked all their posts. He didn't even bother to follow any of my friends on socials. I haven't discussed this with him, since I find it embarrassing that I've been stalking his and her socials so much to gather all this information. But since I'm giving him a second chance, I want to be clear this time. I find this topic so hard to communicate to him without sounding like I'm insecure. The first time we were together I was afraid to be too strict about it since I really liked him and didn't want to do anything that could harm the relationship, but I'm in a much better place now and realized I don't need this relationship to be happy. What I need advice on is how to communicate this to him without sounding insecure or being unreasonable.

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nudnikp · 2023-07-31T17:18:49+00:00

Try identifying the scenario in the media you both consume and gentle make an opinion.

mr-chaos1234 · 2023-08-01T17:19:01+00:00

I really love this sub and I’m a dude. On the other hand your relationship was doomed from the beginning. Two key words emotionally unavailable and committing issues. Good for a fwb scenario but toxic for a ltr. You need to reevaluate your values and boundaries. Also on your last paragraph you mentioned you don’t need the relationship no longer, but still want to express your perspective. Why not just telling him from the get go that you don’t want a relationship with him? Also take into consideration that you already broke things up 6 months ago. I’m not gonna judge you if you wanna give him another chance, but remember that we take considerable time to change even small parts of our personality. I don’t think he changed in two months. He maybe still hanging up on the good memories of the relationship, but the emotional and commitment unavailability is still ingrained into him.

Title	Tell my bf that it's not OK that he is still friends with his ex
Author	Early_Future3932
Upvotes	21
Comments	17
Date	July 31, 2023 9:01 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/15eaqwl/tell_my_bf_that_its_not_ok_that_he_is_still/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/tell-my-bf-that-its-not-ok-that-he-is-still.1226902 https://theredarchive.com/post/1226902

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