I have noticed a number of posts lately from single or dating phase women where it is apparent there is a major lack of confidence on the woman’s part, a fear of risk taking, and much excuse making. Many women come here looking for a husband but are not ready to accept the risk that comes with searching and I get it, it is scary and hard and frustrating. But as a long-time dater and ambassador to the unmarried RPW, I feel like we should have a discussion on this.

Reasons for Lack of Confidence in RPW

It is not surprising to see a common theme of lack of confidence in women. Most of us were not raised… well, like men, to be confident risk takers… and those of us who were struggle to become less masculine. But in general, many (not all) RPW sit on the submissive, traditional side and therefore have personalities that make us prone to being more quiet, fearful of speaking up or taking risks. After all that is part of what makes us desire a strong male leader, right? They can supplement what we lack, or simply don’t want to do, offering us security and safety.

So we become entrenched in RPW theory and are chronically online, and while helpful at first, some of us take it to the extreme, seeing things in black and white and as a set of rules we MUST follow to get a man. The age we must be, the things we must wear, how we approach sex, our weight/fitness, we must be homemaker domestic goddesses … the list of assumptions goes on. And this can create a sort of paralysis where we fear making a single move with a man until we are perfect or become robotic on dates because we have theory running through our brains. We think don’t do that, don’t say that, and we totally lose our authenticity. Men don’t like that.

Men Like Confidence

The reality is men like confidence, even men who want a good RPW. Men are attracted to women who are self assured, who have something to say about life and passion in their interests, and they like to chase (not in a toxic gaming playing way but in a men like to conquer way). I feel somewhere along the way, we have begun to think of confidence as overly masculine which it absolutely is not when done right. Additionally, wanting a partner and pursuing it is not masculine. As Laura Doyle says in Surrendered Single, the first step is surrendering to your desire to be married. It is OK and good to admit you want a partner. Embrace it.

Of course women can make the mistake of being too masculine in how they approach seeking a partner and I think most of us here knows what that looks like. But I worry we are seeing many overcorrect in an attempt to not be masculine resulting in the appearance of a lack of interest in men and honestly, just being a boring date. Men want to be fascinated by you and want to be desired in the dating phase. Even the most Alpha of men who are willing to put in the great effort to pursue you and lead would like attention back and to know you WANT it.

Getting What You Want Takes Risk

If you want a boyfriend or husband, you HAVE to take risks. Very few people marry their HS sweetheart and even fewer meet the love of their life because they are approached at the grocery store or by the handsome Christmas tree farmer, Hallmark movie style, or whatever other fantasies we see on movies. You have to put yourself out there in an intentional and strategic way. This means that yes, you likely will get rejected by men you like, you will have bad dates, you will have men who lie to you to try to hook up, and you’ll meet people you aren’t attracted to. And it’s a bummer. But you will also have first dates where the sparks fly and you feel on top of the world, you’ll find men who are genuine and sincere, and most of all you’ll have the opportunity of finding a life partner. But you have to kiss some frogs to get a Prince. It’s just like applying for jobs, you apply for a lot until you land a minimal number of interviews and then finally get an offer.

And I get it, many don’t want to online date. Most women don’t enjoy it and most men don’t either. But unless you are young and have exposure to a lot of men on a daily basis who you do not work with because please no interoffice romances, you should get online. Think about the women of the past, our grandmothers. They would have LOVED to have a tool like this at their disposal rather than having to marry Joe down the street because that is the only person they had exposure to. Remember that online dating is just a tool – When I'm dating, I think of it like having instagram. I have it, I check it, but I don't obsess, it's just there to connect me to others.