I(20m) am getting a Divorce at 20, I’m just looking for advice and words of wisdom.

xerxeshordesfaceobli · 2024-01-18T21:47:03+00:00

This is going to sound crazy but does your ex wife have a reddit account

This story sounds familiar....

Dapper_Employer5787 · 2024-01-15T20:00:37+00:00

Just be glad this is happening while you're still very young, you have so much time left and can easily build a happy life

NothingIsEverEnough · 2024-01-15T03:20:49+00:00

Stay in the military. It’s stable and it pays well. You got in the civilian world you will be lost and flailing around.

2024-01-15T01:28:55+00:00

Okay, I can kind of relate and maybe give you some advice. Granted, take any advice I or anyone else on reddit gives you with a grain of salt. I have been through two divorces, one very recently. My first was in 2007 while I was in the army. I was 19 when I got married, and you are correct it is common. Nobody wants to live in the barracks after all. I deployed to Iraq, and within 3 months she went radio silent…wasn’t answering calls and wasn’t responding to messages on social media. A very long story short, she was cheating on me with another dude stateside. I confronted her and she said she was divorcing me. She violated the service member relief act and mailed me divorce papers to Iraq. I went to jag and never had to get a lawyer, granted it was uncontested. I went ahead and signed and moved on past it. Here are some points/insights/advice:

1) You’re young and haven’t been in the military very long, which likely means you’re not making a terrible lot of money… $2,200 seems like a lot to pay in alimony/child support. Many states have statutes that determine caps on support payments based on income. Don’t agree to or sign anything without going over it well with your attorney.

2) Speaking of attorneys, I don’t know the specifics in your legal situation or what state you’re in, but it may be good to consult JAG and see what kind of options they may have. Also, bring this situation up within your chain of command if you haven’t already. They will direct you to any available resources. I wasn’t clear as to whether you are already going through the process, but do not attempt to navigate it without legal assistance and do not put it off. There are procedural deadlines with the courts, and I promise you don’t want to screw around and miss things and get a default judgment in her favor.

3) This might not be what you want to hear, but you also may want to consider a paternity test if you haven’t. If she had been promiscuous, you don’t necessarily know how long that may have been going on. Again, stuff to discuss with your lawyer (not her).

4) Keep contact to a minimum with her. Every communication should have a purpose, and don’t exceed the scope of that purpose. You’re gonna feel the urge to contact her, but don’t unless it is necessary for some reason like the kid.

5) Speaking of the kid, you haven’t seen the kid in a month… be aware that if you are absent from the kids life it can set a precedent that can affect how courts proceed with custody arrangements later down the line. If you want a relationship with the kid, you need to find a way to start having visitation. Again, stuff to discuss with your attorney.

6) Porn addiction is very real. It also is very much an issue within military culture particularly on deployments. I totally understand, been there myself. But get it under control now. I don’t know what to tell you other than that is an uphill battle, but one you should fight and win before it negatively impacts your life.

7) On the emotional front… it sucks man. I feel you. I have been there with my first wife, and recently with a woman I was married to for 7 years and best friends with for 8. It sounds cliche, but it will get better with time. I am 37 now, and when I went through my first divorce there were days I didn’t want to get out of bed or feel like going on. This too shall pass. I rarely think about my first wife now. At times I literally forget I was even married twice. If you feel an urgency to contact her, I recommend you do not. Keep things polite, keep things civil. If she reaches out to you, respond respectfully and limit it to necessary matters. If she tries to start an argument or fight, eject. Don’t take the bait but tell her you will talk after emotions cool. If you do want her to come back, that is not a guarantee. I can tell you a surefire way to assure she doesn’t though, and that is by losing respect for yourself and begging/pleading. If you have done that shit, stop it now and correct course. If she wants to come around she will reach out to you, if she doesn’t then let her ass walk man. If she does reach out to you about reconciliation and that is something you are willing to consider, my recommendation is to take it slow and only under the guidance of a counselor/therapist/priest/someone who can help you all work through the obvious underlying issues in the relationship.

Bottom line is it sucks ass, but your life isn’t over. There are bright days ahead no matter how dark it seems now. In 5 years from now, you’ll both look back on this situation VERY differently. Right now focus on your health and your career. Don’t let either of those things slip or your other problems will only become exponentially more difficult. And again, I highly recommend talking to your first line NCO about this and ask about talking with JAG. If they cannot directly help, they may be able to point you to legal resources that can help.

I am drawing on wisdom gained from being divorced twice, being an NCO who was happy to help my soldiers when they came to me with problems, and now being an attorney. That said, this is NOT legal advice. Talk with your lawyer and follow their advice.

playerknowmore · 2024-01-15T00:28:28+00:00

Please tell me the don't deploy you with a weapon. All the enemy would have to do was send in a crying female, and you would surrender your weapon. Get a paternity test. You were gone too much, and she's proven that she will cheat on you. It's nothing to do with not wanting the child, but all about not having a partner who you can trust.

BAS/BAQ are not worth it. If you are honest, you'll admit to yourself that she was getting most of that money anyway. I'm sorry you have to raise a child with a woman like this.

captainchippsixx · 2024-01-14T21:39:31+00:00

First off your going to be fine. Focus on you your career. You’re only 20! Your prime is yet to come. Grind it out and get your income level up. In 10 years you could have bachelors degree and making a solid income. Or carve a path out in the military. Try to get some specialized training that could transition to civilian life.

Watch strong successful male in you tube. Then Don’t ever make this mistake ever again man.

Get a dna test for the child.

Title	I(20m) am getting a Divorce at 20, I’m just looking for advice and words of wisdom.
Author	Sea-Consideration884
Upvotes	2
Comments	22
Date	January 14, 2024 9:22 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/196qn4n/i20m_am_getting_a_divorce_at_20_im_just_looking/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i20m-am-getting-a-divorce-at-20-im-just-looking.1242976 https://theredarchive.com/post/1242976

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