I finally went to a therapist at my university. For context: the entire day, I felt detached and unreactive. Feeling like shit in my body. I thought I was tired, so I has some coffee, but the coffee didn't work I feel awfully. I believe that I am either dead or should be dead, and that I should commit suicide (I don't feel depressed, just misplaced, metaphysically speaking). I've been going down spirals lately and it's making me feel dead. Sometimes, I can only describe how I'm feeling with metaphors and symbolic words (poetic language).

I feel demotivated to do anything, and I feel like I'm faking any genuine emotion I express, and I feel like faking my affect to things. I feel this strange guilt for feeling sexual/romantic attraction to women and consuming pornography, and the guilt is almost religious or trancendental (I do follow religious paths, such as Buddhism and Hinduism, but I've always been progressive about my beliefs).

If you have anymore questions, go ahead. I just wanted to let you guys know how and what I'm doing. All of this shit is just to tell the therapist. I hope she understands.