Today I had a date with my crush and it was f SHIT.
5 minutes in and I had nothing to talk about anymore.
The girl was pretty sweet but the silence was pretty awkward.
I feel like I am pretty boring and lack any personality that I can call my own thanks to years of people-pleasing for the fear of being excluded (and I still got excluded).
I feel pretty depressed because obviously that date was super boring and I felt awful.
I think that I will stop my ambition of trying to find someone because it feels like it just isn't meant to be.
Not blaming the world for my actions but I kind of wish that I had an interesting life and wasn't bullied endlessly/ excluded from every social event held by my peers.
I know that this is not what the sub is meant for, but I just have to vent my frustration or I feel like I will explode from all the bottled-up emotions that are hurting me right now.
I read a lot of guides about holding conversations (observe, comment, assume) but can't shake the feeling of being paralyzed. And it wasn't the first time.
Funnily, I get the fear of abandonment the moment I meet someone new and IT shows as signs of desperation of their approval, excessive courtesy, and a whole lot of unnecessary compliments.
I feel insecure and broken. Boring and uninteresting. Depressing and a turn-off.
Maybe I need to take some time to heal from my psychological wounds. Or perhaps it's never meant to be, who knows.
Each failed attempt is a trigger to my suicidal thoughts that live in the back of my mind and the release of my past scars to once again take away my peace of mind.
Although I am involuntarily celibate, I am not an "incel". I don't hate women for not wanting me and I don't blame them.
I just want to feel loved, hugged and thought about. Things that will surely not fix my self-hate but one can dream. The world can be very lonely at times.
Everything is becoming a trigger to my depression: seeing lovers, romantic quotes, music, social media, and even self-love.
I... I feel broken.
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