Fear of rejection is often discussed here but I think for a lot people this is debilitating to the point of ruining their dating lives completely. This ought to be discussed at the deepest levels. Why do I fear rejection? I don't fear people seeing me get rejected. Not caring what other people, whether passers-by or friends, think is actually quite easy. I have gotten over that a long time ago.

Fear of failure might be it, but ought not to be. After all we all get rejected. This is harder to get over. But what I fear the most is what the girl thinks of me after I ask. Most of the girls I would ask out or escalate with are girls I know to at at least the level of an acquaintance. Unlike a lot people here, I tend not to do cold approach or flirt within the first conversation. OK, I admit the latter is something I should do more. But the girls I would ask out are mostly those with whom I have at least had some conversation. Asking or escalating at this stage is therefore much more anxiety-inducing. This is because you care how you would seem to her!

Sometimes it actually feels shameful. Like you only were friendly with her in the first place because you want to sleep with her. It's like you betrayed her trust. Also, the feeling of someone not liking you doesn't feel good. I'm not talking about her rejecting you as a romantic interest. I'm talking about her simply not liking you as a friend or person anymore. I'm sure those of you who have female friends have heard this before. They usually tell you how this guy was "nice" at first but then he became too "touchy feely" and she decided to distance herself from him. It doesn't feel good to be that guy: a guy who was a once a friend but then became a "creep" from wanting more.

In some ways you want to keep her as a friend, which is why you don't want to jeopardise the relationship. This is probably a fear of loss. But I know how silly this is. For one, I know some girls who have since left my life, sometimes even without me asking them out or escalating. It's a fact of life that nothing is permanent, not even a platonic relationship. So if you play it safe and don't escalate, for fear you might lose a "friend", well you will probably lose her anyway.