I see the girl as a goal I’m trying to accomplish. None of it is because of me and it’s based around what I’m trying to do.

It’s hollow and faked. Never real true confidence just the persona of it. The confidence comes from the person I act like I am, not who I am. The techniques. The push-pulls, the narrative setting, the escalation model I'm following in my head.

I’m thinking ahead in every interaction and see it all as one big chess game. Every interaction it's who wins and who loses. Every move calculated. Every word thought out. Every line that's said has some reason behind it.

The sad part about most of it, is it works. I do the tricks. I say the lines. I commit to the routine. If you want an instant result, sure you could commit to it.

But I’m not happy. I’m always on edge on if it’s going to work or not. I’m happy when it does and back to the lab again when it doesn’t. I want something so much more. Something real. Something I don't have to tactically think of to get a result. To go on a date without some gameplan going on in my mind the whole time. But I don't know if that's possible. I feel like a 00's PUA getting lost in the mystery method.

I don’t wanna be this way anymore but I’m afraid not to be. I’m afraid to be me. I’m afraid to let go.

That’s all