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[–][deleted] 50 points51 points52 points 11 years ago (12 children) | Copy Link
"be yourself"
[–][deleted] 18 points19 points20 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
"be yourself, only better"
[–]Trequetrum 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Easy! Right?
[–]Trequetrum18 points 11 years ago* [recovered] (5 children) | Copy Link
Well, yeah-ish.
In a way you're being yourself no matter what you do. If you lie all the time, then you are a person who lies a lot. If you're painfully shy and over-think everything, then being shy and over-thinking things is being yourself. Neither are particularly authentic though.
[–][deleted] 5 points6 points7 points 11 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Being you is being authentic. I think what you're looking for is to say yes, and be accessible.
[–]Trequetrum2 points 11 years ago* [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
Right.
I guess it was never really made clear. "Authentic living" has become a bit of a catch-phrase the meaning of which has come to encompass more then the semantic meaning of the words themselves.
It started with existentialism (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Authenticity_(philosophy)) and has since sort of grown to talking about looking at yourself outside of your own social context.
So yes, if you happen to be shy, then acting shy is just you being you. Most people, however, would argue that the essential you is not, in fact, shy. For example, you are not shy when you are alone with your own thoughts.
According to Kierkegaard, discerning what is truly authentic about yourself is ultimately impossible but a worthy regardless. Mind you, Kierkegaard was all sorts of crazy, so feel free to take his philosophy with a grain of salt.
[–]AceDarkstar 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
What if you're looking to change yourself? Would it still be authentic to try to be the person you want to be?
[–]Trequetrum 2 points3 points4 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Unsurprisingly, this is point of much debate in literature that discusses authenticity.
Living authentically is a change in and of itself, so it can't be wholly bad to change things. There's a deeper question at work here though. What if you're trying to change some part of your essential self? The two major schools of thoughts seem to be as follows:
My experience so far in life has been that both views are hold some amount of truth. I've made changes because I thought they would make me more popular and therefore make me both happier and more successful in my sex life.
It worked in that I made a lot of new friends and met a lot of women, but in the end I had to admit to myself that I wasn't any happier then I had been before. I understood that they were friends with a caricature of me instead of just me. Being social was much more draining then it had been before.
Conversely, I've made other changes which have worked out differently. I decided to prioritize advancing my career above focusing on the work itself. I thought that the change might be inauthentic, but I discovered that doing this fed my ambitions, gave me extra motivation, and improved the work I was doing all in one go. I had always loved my work, but I'd never been as involved and invested as I am now.
TLDR; Maybe, maybe not? Give it some thought and see if the change will work for you. If you really don't know, just give it a try. There's no harm in trying something, especially if you're not happy with the way things are now.
[–]AceDarkstar 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Fair enough. Regarding the point you said about your career, I used to have a mindset of 'study to get out of studying' which meant that I studied really short hours and didn't really put effort into school. However I changed my mindset towards studying and I developed a passion for my subjects, and now I find it easier to do work and not procrastinate at all. So yeah I believe that changing yourself for self-improvement is authentic. However, changing yourself for a girl... Is pretty damn needy.
[–]1Upvote_1Respect 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
aka "worst advice ever"
[–]handa711 -1 points0 points1 point 11 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
Actually, don't.
[–]Dorchester_ 8 points9 points10 points 11 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
As a college student who is relatively popular, girls often tell me that they've heard about me, but I never have anything flirty to respond to that with. I feel like my (neutral, but widespread) reputation can have huge potential, but I don't know how to use it. How do you respond to "I've heard all about you?"
[–]HadToAnswer_14 points 11 years ago [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
"I've heard all about you"
"It wasn't me. I swear. You can't prove anything."
"I can explain that. See, there I was with a trunk full of dildos... Oh - now I've said too much."
"I know." Optional: "Wait, did I say that out loud?"
"Likewise. ...Uh, so what's your name?"
[–]spm201 9 points10 points11 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Also
"Only bad things I hope"
"I was proven innocent by a jury of my peers"
"Don't believe it, it's mostly lies", if they reply with something along the lines of 'only good things' this leads into "oh so it's all lies then"
[–]Trequetrum8 points 11 years ago* [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
She just did the hard work of breaking the ice for you. From here on out there's nothing special to do. Just talk and learn a little bit about her.
This is an example of how I tend to handle it.
Me: "Oh? Awesome!" scan around the room, then lower my voice ever so slightly, "From who?"
Girl: "Ah, ummm, Tommy?"
Me: Saying something genuinely truthful about Tommy, "Tommy, yeah, he's great. I would not have done so well in first-year calc if it hadn't been for him. Tommy's good people!"
She smiles
Me: "So where do you know him from?"
Girl: "Rock climbing"
Me: "Ah, you're one of the infamous rock climbers! Man, I suck at rock climbing. I wish I was better, but it makes my fingers feel like they're developing arthritis - so I gave up on it. I love watching it though. Some of the things you guys can do is crazy cool. What got you into rock climbing?"
Then I get her to talk about herself as much as I can possibly manage. That's just me though, I have an insatiable thirst for people-stories and I've found that the more I know about the person, the more they like me.
I do, however, avoid telling people I think something is cool or awesome unless I actually think it is (Part of being authentic).
Me: "So how do you know Tommy?"
Girl: "Ah, we're in the knitting club!"
Me: "Knitting? Isn't that boring? how do you keep from falling asleep?"
Girl: "It's not boring at all!" she laughs "There's so much to learn."
Me: "I guess I can't judge. I can spend days just sitting in a canoe taking in the scenery." Segue, "So what do you study?" (Assuming she's in college like you are).
If every person you talk with leaves the encounter thinking you were pretty easy to talk with and that you showed genuine interest in them (everybody has something interesting to talk about, find it and you're golden. I love to travel so when I meet somebody else who travels I'm instantly intrigued), then it won't take very long before your neutral reputation becomes a very positive reputation.
[–]frozenGrizzly 4 points5 points6 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Reminds me of a quote... "The best way to get someone interested in you, is to show interest in them."
Or something like that.
[–]Trequetrum 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
There are actual studies! To be fair, they don't show that it's the best way, but they do show that it's very effective.
I'd suggest that it works best if that interest is genuine (You're also more likely to remember in the future, which is especially important if you are meeting a lot of people.)
[–]frozenGrizzly 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
That's my biggest problem. I dunno if I'm a psychopath or something lol, but I find it really hard to care about or empathize with other people. I try but..
I didn't have the best interactions with people growing up, and there was a lot of built up mistrust in people, so much so that by the time I got around to high school I had almost completely cut myself off from other humans. Now that I'm trying to learn these skills, I'm finding out the hard way that I got about 20 years worth of social skills to catch up on. :/
Not that you asked for my life story, but that's pretty much why I'm here. So essay's like yours have really helped me in the past year or so.
[–]ScreamingFreakShow 6 points7 points8 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Or you could ask them out.
[–][deleted] 20 points21 points22 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Learn to be authentic
Thank you. There's some shit a lot of "PUA's" and people on here recommend doing that's really fake, makes me cringe. Mostly in the form of doing something to "demonstrate" an "attractive" trait. Like high value, or social proof. You'll have a much better time with women when your authentic. Don't try to sell yourself as being attractive. Work under the belief that you are attractive as you are.
[–]Trequetrum20 points 11 years ago* [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
Work under the belief that you are attractive as you are
That is, in fact, a really attractive trait to have. Well put!
[–][deleted] 11 points12 points13 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
And in an ironic twist, there's no show of higher value than that.
[–][deleted] 3 points4 points5 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Piece of Advice: Women love when you're passionate, even if that passion is about something nerdy. They like to see that you love something and have a life outside of getting laid.
[–]Trequetrum 2 points3 points4 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I agree with you entirely.
5: When you started learning seduction, what concepts did you apply but later discarded over time? Man, I was the consummate "seducer". I tried everything to be "seductive" to women. And it is all completely unnecessary. Women are attracted to authenticity above all. What I learned over the years is that honesty is the greatest aphrodisiac.
5: When you started learning seduction, what concepts did you apply but later discarded over time?
Man, I was the consummate "seducer". I tried everything to be "seductive" to women. And it is all completely unnecessary. Women are attracted to authenticity above all. What I learned over the years is that honesty is the greatest aphrodisiac.
Can't argue with Perrion's successes and even he agrees.
[–]drunk_kronk 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I think this goes hand in hand with being authentic. If you're not worried about whether or not she likes the things that you're into, you'll find it easier to talk passionately on a subject, whether you like the subject or not.
[–]penguin_says_slide 9 points10 points11 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Very open-ended and vague...
Instead of theory, presenting an FR where you managed to get a girl to ask you out would be much more beneficial. Then let us draw our lessons from it.
[–]nuclear_red_baron 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I would certainly like to hear it too.
[–]Razzamafoo3 points 11 years ago* [recovered] (6 children) | Copy Link
Where did you read this, or come up with this? All of these things you describe are pretty much what EST is.
[–]Lead ModeratorThrowawayPUA 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Having taken the EST course myself, I think this essay is nothing like that at all.
[–]Trequetrum1 points 11 years ago* [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
I've never heard of EST. I did some googling and all I could come up with was this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erhard_Seminars_Training
I did a project on existentialism in college. It sort of segued me into the philosophical pondering of authenticity of personality which lead me to modern works on how to apply these concepts to your own life.
It made so much sense to me that I immediately tried to put it into action in my own life. It took a while to get a hang of. Sometimes it seems easier to avoid an issue instead of boldly tackling it head-on, but the longer you accustom yourself to it, the more you reap the benefits and become comfortable.
It changes the way you look at the world and it changes the way the world looks at you. There I things I do and say without a second thought now that would have been unthinkable in my younger years.
[–]ThatsReallyFunnyDude 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
What modern works are you referencing? Would you recommend any?
[–]Trequetrum 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
If you want books that might really inspire you (full of stories, examples, ect) then I would recommend
"The Authentic Life: Zen Wisdom for Living Free from Complacency and Fear" by Ezra Bayda
Bayden comes from a bit of a Buddhist tradition, but they're the guys who have really taken authentic living to an art. I rarely sit down and meditate, but I do take time to assess my own reality and decide how best to move forward in life.
Reading his book might really inspire you to try to put some of this into practice. Bayden never appeals to authority, to special revelation, or even to tradition which makes this one of the few 'spiritual' books I'm perfectly comfortable with.
If you go to amazon and just type in "authentic" you'll notice that the word seems to have been intermingled with a lot of Theology about God and Christianity etc.
I don't have a strong faith myself, but I'm sure there would still be some good inspirational/motivational content in them.
I'm trying to find some of the books I read as I was getting really into the academic aspects of this, but my memory is too shoddy to remember the titles or authors and my search so far has been disappointingly fruitless.
They're out there though. I found that the books containing philosophical musings were just as (in some cases more) helpful then the inspirational anecdotes contained in other book.
To that end, I'll keep looking to see if I can't find my old reading material. This kind of makes me wish even more fervently that I hadn't lost my entire bookshelf during a move (Harry Potter is easy to replace, but what about all the awesome books you forget to remember?).
[–]ThatsReallyFunnyDude 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Thanks for the Bayda reference. You may enjoy Jiddu Krishnamurti.
[–]Sedditor829 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
IMO the best way is to make sure she knows you're going to say yes and that you like it when she's aggressive.
How do you do this? Tell her! If she does something sexy let her know! "That look you keep giving me is really freaking sexy, did you know that?" "Yeah so you're like a really good kisser *chuckle*." If you're someplace inappropriate be like, "If you keep doing that you're going to make me hard." You say these things and she's going to go crazy. She's going to feel like she has a lot of sexual power with you and she's going to like how much you like her.
This has gotten me amazing results. At clubs girls will start grinding on you so hard you'd think they wanted to start a fire. They'll get into kissing way harder, too. One girl I found had a "fetish" of wanting other girls to see my boner so when we were out with her friends or whatever she'd just constantly be on me. It was fun (for a while). The point is it works, and well if you take the fear of rejection out of the equation and facilitate her wild side of being a sexual aggressor.
This is awesome advice and I have no doubt that it works marvelously.
I've never given it much thought, but looking back, I've been using this for years. Not really to hook up (saying "If you keep doing that you're going to make me hard." doesn't really jive with how I interact with the world), but I do tell friends things like:
I'm pretty good at making friends and that might help the process along a bit. I have no doubt that it can work miracles as a pickup technique.
[–]Sedditor829 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yeah I always feel like when this happens I want it to be really obvious is all, especially if we've both had a few drinks.
Girls kind of suck at being aggressors lol. Like they just aren't used to it (this may be the first time in her life she's escalated kino) so they need to play the game on super easy mode at least at first. So I make it easier by letting them know clearly I like what they're doing and that if they keep doing it I'd like it more.
I don't want them worrying whatever they do may not work. I want them to feel like they can't miss when it comes to turning me on, you know?
[–]credditz0rz 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Last week I told a random girl next to me on the train that I fought last week soldering a display to a custom PCB and I failed miserably, but we managed to get everything working then.
Well, I kept talking about stuff I do and I like. I asked about what she's been doing the week etc. She is nor technician neither an entrepreneur. She studies arts.
I definitely pulled the nerdy guy, still got her number, we'll date next week.
[–]Trequetrum 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I'm not really into the hardware stuff so much, but the first time I came across an FPGA, I nerded out so hard. I figured out how to program tic-tac-toe directly into hardware.
Anyways. Being nerdy can give you game. Never apologize for/hide being passionate about something.
Hope that date goes well next week!
[–]medicalmatt 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link
I like turtles.
Kind of sums up my entire post in one line.
Nice.
[–]Lead ModeratorThrowawayPUA 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
That is straight out of Dale Carnegie's book. But you have it exactly backwards.
To be interesting, be interested.
[–]masterk20141 points 11 years ago [recovered] (2 children) | Copy Link
You sound a lot like a friend of mine here at college. He's a great swing dancer and also knows his way around a computer... interesting combination! >.>
[–]Trequetrum4 points 11 years ago* [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
Tell your friend that a random guy on Reddit approves of the way he lives his life.
[–]frozenGrizzly 4 points5 points6 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
The internet's highest honor... xD
[–]frozenGrizzly 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
This is slightly different than, but mostly in line with, everything I've read so far.
I really need to internalize this shit. I'm trying, just not 100% there yet.
All I can say is that it's worth it. Even if it doesn't improve your relationships with women (which it will), it will improve your life immeasurably anyway.
[–]Dickinson_Burns 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
You mention doing favors for people and expecting something in return as a negative trait. Whilst I agree with you on the "expecting something back" part, is it always a bad thing to do favors?
I mean, I tend to be generous. "Shit, my shirts all dirty, i need a school shirt" (where I live, school uniform is usually just a shirt with the schools symbol on it)? NP, you can borrow my spare (I always bring one, just in case somethings happens to my first shirt. weighs like nothing, fits nicely into my bag, and u gotta be prepped for everything, right?).
"yo DB, you got a dollar (really its a bunch less than a USD, so not too much money)?" "yeah man i think i have one.." or something - a few bucks (never too much, unless its a close friend) isn't really that big of a deal for me, so I tend to be generous with money.
Is it bad that I am being generous? I don't expect people to pay me back or anything.. does it make me look like I can be stepped on?
I understand that some of these things may be seen as sacrifices, or bending under pressure (or however you would put it.. excuse my poor eloquence, it is late and i'm tired- i hope you understand what i'm saying) , but these things really don't bother me. Like often when we are car pooling back from school, and the car gets filled and someone needs to ditch, ill ditch because I don't mind walking home (its like a 15 minute walk, and I generally like the walk because I get to listen to music).
Do people see this as weak or beta or whatever? I mean obviously I don't feel that i'm being manipulated (if i do, i don't allow myself to get manipulated).. Am i being played for a fool?
edit: on proof reading this, this comment seems like a mess. props if you can understand what im saying.. god im tired. gonna go to sleep, might give it a proper edit tomorrow...aghh
Doing the things you want to do is attractive. If you're fortunate enough to want to help people, that's super duper attractive.
I'm helping people all the time, but because I've turned off my "secretly hoping for a return on my kindness" trait, I don't tend to change how helpful I am depending on their gender or attractiveness level.
Looking for ways to be helpful when no help is needed or wanted is another aspect that comes from wanting your helpfulness to be noticed. That's also unattractive.
If you pair being a helpful dude with the rest of the package that being authentic will give you, then it will make your peers respect you more (not less).
If you're genuinely helpful (because you know that being helpful is freaken' awesome), but you're also scared of confrontation and seem not to value your own opinion as well as you should... then it's really hard to convince people that you're helpfulness is, in fact, genuine (even if it is).
Most of this stuff is a package deal.
I derive a lot of joy from being able to make somebody's day better. I'm also super happy and grateful when people take the time to help me out, but I've learned to never expect it from them.
One final thing. My friends all know that I will definitely say 'no' if I don't want to help with something. People who know that about me find it easier to ask me for help. When I help them they know it's because I want to and not because I feel obligated to be nice.
"Can I leave my dog at your apartment for the weekend?"
"Nope. No way. Nuh uh."
I hate cleaning up dog hair.
I looked after a friend's dog when she was going to her brother's funeral. The rest of my friends have quickly learned that this does not make me a part of the "please take care of my dog while I go on vacation" crowd.
Sorry for the super long-winded answer. Being generous is amazing. If you want to be a pick-up artist, it doesn't help cultivate a one-night stand, but it does help get the women in your life attracted to you.
It's not enough on it's own though. You still need the rest!
[–]Dickinson_Burns 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
thanks for taking the time to write such an in depth answer. Really appreciate it, and will take this advice to heart.. cheers!
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