So I'm new to Seddit, but I've been into the dating game for years. I've noticed quite a few of the posts asking for help involve getting that extra date and not understanding why it never happens. They all have a common thread, you don't even have to tell me the details and I know where you went wrong. I'm going to lay it out for you here.

Let's start with a little role reversal. A girl is super interested in you, but you aren't interested in her at all. Everything she does turns you off, she comes off as desperate, needy and clingy. Now for some of you AFC's you're thinking "Shit I'd take that!". This is the start of your problem. You're not in charge, and you're willing to settle for something. I already said you aren't interested in her at all, so get that out of your mind right now, this girl almost annoys you.

I haven't said anything she's done to annoy you, but you already have a picture painted in your mind. Anything she'll do to try and get your attention will make you less comfortable, because you know everything she's doing is based on her expectations.

Women put a lot of emotional effort into dating. Probably more than you do. When you realize this, your perspective will change from "Why can't I get a second date" to an exciting world of interaction and deciding what you want.

Comfortability

No one will hang out with you if they are not comfortable. This is true for relationships as much as it is your friends and family. When a woman is declining second dates, or putting you in the friend zone, it's because she's not comfortable going any further with you. Whether she's creeped out by you, or bored of you, she's simply not comfortable.

Since most guys are AFC's and not douche bags, this means she's just not interested in you, or bored. Why is she bored? Because she has nothing to gain, and you are the same as every other AFC who has gone after her. There are no questions, mystique, intrigue or allure. Because of this, she is not comfortable going any further. Why? Because you set the expectations - you took her to a movie and gave her the spoilers during the opening previews.

Expectations

What are expectations? Expectations are the results one person wants out of another.

When you telegraph, or even worse say what your expectations are, you make her uncomfortable. Why? You put pressure on her to be with you, which she hasn't yet decided she actually wants. Now you become easy, boring, or needy. None of this is attractive to her at all.

Never ever set expectations with a girl you are dating. In fact, you want to do the exact opposite. No expectations means she is comfortable to let her real personality shine. I dated a girl who had to move to another city so we broke up, and when I dropped her off at the airport she told me the most heart melting compliment I've ever heard - she said

"Thank you for everything. You made me feel like I could be myself, and always pushed me to make my own decisions. You helped me realize my own identity, no one else has ever done anything like that for me"

She cried, I almost did with her. Damn I miss her ;)

** Make her chase you **

So how did I get to that point with her? She's about 5'11, second generation Italian in North America. HB8, easily. Guys who approach her, bore her, because they set expectations and she's not comfortable going any further with any of them. She hasn't dated since we broke up.

Firstly, I wasn't a wuss. I am a confident mid 20's guy, I have decent job. It's important to know too, that I am divorced, that's another long story on it's own, but the point is everyone has their past and you cannot be ashamed of it. What's really attractive is showing women that you aren't ashamed of your past, and that it's made you a stronger person. This shows them you are human, and genuinely a good guy, not a guy who is good hoping to get something in return.

So I showed her I was a decent potential partner. Then I nonverbally friend zoned her. I met her on one of my baseball teams, and we talked and I started inviting her to hang out with my friends. I would invite her to anything, but always played it as if we were just best friends growing up. I let her wonder if I would / could be interested in more. I never set any expectations for anything more, and so she was always comfortable to hang out.

I'd always flirt with her (I make it a practice to flirt with most girls, it's good practice, and it's an attractive trait), so she never knew if I wanted her, or if I was just flirty. She wanted to know more. She was chasing me.

We started messing around, and I continued to hide expectations. This only made her want me more. Then one night after busy times, in my arms she looks up to me and says

"So if you were to introduce me to some friends, how would you describe me?"

It was the cutest thing ever. "Are you asking to be my girlfriend?"

"Yes"

"I would tell them you're my girlfriend"

Notice how I was in control. Notice how she hinted at her being my girlfriend, not me being her boyfriend.

** TLDR **

  • You want women to chase you, not the other way around
  • Women love challenges
  • Hiding your expectations makes you interesting
  • Failing to hide your expectations puts pressure on the girl and makes her uncomfortable with you
  • A girl who is uncomfortable with you will not go on second / third dates. They will friendzone you.