(this is a post I also made on NoFap subreddit, but it didn't get the amount of feedback I was hoping for over there)

Hey everyone. So I've made it through 10 days of no PMO. This is definitely the longest I've gone since I was in probably 6th or 7th grade. I've noticed a big difference in my moods. They are more stabilized now, whereas before they would swing a lot more violently and frequently.

I've made it my goal, as well as not PMO'ing, to not objectify girls. When I see a photo of a girl, see her in public, at work, etc, I am going to refrain from sexualizing her. I think this is part of my problem. My goal is to improve myself and also to find someone who I enjoy being with and have a healthy relationship. I think this is a really important step towards that.

Things have been going well, except I've been getting some strong emotions regarding my past. Looking back on the past 10 years of my life or so, relatively since the time I started masturbating, I've always had a nagging feeling of lack. I feel that I unconsciously lacked the approval of others, the approval of myself, of teachers, of girls I liked. I see so many things in my past that I did, clothes I wore, ways that I acted, and things I said that were all done out of a need to be cool/be liked. I tried to make it "look" like I was good at activities/sports, when in reality I was average or below average.

I see the way that people treated me who I badly wanted to be liked by. I wanted their approval so bad that I acted in a way that wasn't congruent to who I really was. In return they treated me the same way i would treat someone who i thought was a phony; not giving them the time of day. Although I didn't at the time, I feel embarrassed nowadays for it. I almost feel sorry to them for the poser I acted like, and them having to put up with it.

It continued in college too. I joined a fraternity because I wanted to meet girls. I thought it would help me meet a hot girl who would like me. It didn't work. I still felt lack. I dropped out of it after a while, once I realized how douchey I felt, and how other people were probably thinking I was a huge douche for being in one. It was never "me" to be in one, yet I did it anyway because subconsciously I probably thought it would fill my void.

At this point I'm feeling really stable. I don't feel that lacking feeling anymore. I don't feel the need to get the approval of other people nearly as much as I used to. What i do feel though is shame for my past. I feel that if I meet new girls, if they find out what a poser I was in the past, they won't like me anymore. I also have a hard time dealing with flashbacks of the past when I was poser-me. I try to forget those things, but I am noticing that "trying to forget" makes you remember even more.

I feel like if I had a past where I was a bad person and did bad things, or was a shy/geeky person with no friends I could get past those things. The bad things I've done in the past I can deal with because I can apologize to that person or forgive myself, but I have a hard time forgiving myself for being a poser. I don't know how to do that, at least not yet.

If any of you have any words of advice or have dealt with similar feelings please share. I know a lot of this post was not directly related to seduction or no-fapping, but I know there are some good people on this forum who like to help. I have a hard time talking to anyone in real life about these feelings, so this is a good place for me to get shit off my chest.

One more thing too: There are certain people from high school that I'm still REALLY jealous of. One guy I know was literally better than me at EVERYTHING; got more girls/ hotter girls, had( and still does) have better style than me, better at sports, better at art. I know I shouldn't be jealous of anyone else but he literally has everything i've always wanted. How do i get past this??

Thanks for reading. Good luck to all!