I read the http://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/10pkqj/20_lifechanging_things_i_learned_from_robert/ and considering how many people seem to be falling in the same pitfalls I once did, I wanted to raise the very important issue of favors in any type of relationship.

Asking someone for a favor means that you put your faith in them to help you, same goes when someone asks you for a favor. If the favor is completed as expected there will be a bond of trust between both people which is important to build a healthy romantic or friendly relationship.

However people who tend to be considered the "nice guy" over do it, putting other peoples needs before their own. Asking nothing in return might seem altruistic and doing a good deed to make yourself feel better but its a slippery slope towards disappointment.

The problem is

  • Asking nothing in return wont make the person appreciate what you did. The reason is that the time and work you spent on doing the favor didn't mean anything to you and therefore the person asking for the favor since it came without any effort on their own part. This will render the time and effort you spent essentially worthless for the one you are helping.
  • People will come to expect you to constantly oblige to running people favors. It will reflect badly on you since you will come out as a pushover, someone easy to convince in doing extra work or paying for something. You could be forced to do more than your fair share since people know that you wont disagree or even insist on it.
  • When you eventually can't comply since you have too many other peoples favors to run or because you feel used they will become disappointed with you since they expected you to do something for them, for free, since you used to.
  • You risk putting your own duties aside, like meeting friends or family, your own work or going to the gym. At the same time you are adding unnecessary stress to please people whom wont appreciate the effort anyway.
  • You will become irritated or disappointed when you eventually realize that people wont help or that the favor they do in return doesn't even come close to what you did for them. They might even not feel obligated to help since you never set the terms and conditions before doing the favors.

I realized then that the most important part of doing favors is

  • Knowing when to say no.
  • If you agree to do a favor for any reason, you have to set clear terms and conditions before actually doing the favor. If the person later on doesn't follow through on the terms then you wont help again and it will be respected and understood by everyone.
  • Show people that your time and work is valuable. If someone asks you for something like a date/assignment etc they have to inform you well in advance. Otherwise it will seem like you have nothing other to do in your life or work that is of importance. You want people to consider that you might have plans when asking for your time.
  • NEVER continue to do favors until the person returns the favor in a equal or higher degree. If you do, then the person will get the impression that they are playing you and lose whatever respect they had for you.
  • ALWAYS ask yourself before the favor you are about to do "Would that person do the exact thing for me if I asked him/her?" If the answer is no then that person is trying to take advantage of you and you need to set clear terms and conditions. If the answer is yes, then do the favor but don't continue to do favors until it has been reciprocated.

I'm writing this because it was the most important realization I had in my life. I never understood why my coworkers could get so much more respect from their boss or other coworkers than me. The simple reason was that I never showed that my time and work is valuable. When I changed they weren't able to request unreasonable things from me anymore and they respected me for that!

I didn't do other peoples work anymore and I was able to take care of myself, have more time to find a better job and spend more time in the gym and with my then girlfriend.

I lost traits that were hindering me all my life, where I didn't want to be an intrusion on others but I allowed other people to intrude on my time and work. When I changed that I gained a lot of respect and revere from friends and acquaintances, since they now consider what I do and my time as valuable.

How you do favors to other is possibly the most important way of getting rid of regret and disappointment when interacting with other people. Don't do favors or buy people something if they haven't or if they aren't going to reciprocate it. It will improve your life tenfold if this is a problem for you, like it once was for me.

TL:DR If you do favors and put other peoples needs above your own asking nothing in return you will become the unsuccessful nice guy. Show that your time is valuable and earn respect and success.