How do I become more sociable in general?

charged_polarity · 2013-02-12T10:22:06+00:00

I think this might be better posted in /r/socialskills, but nevertheless, here's my post:

You sound a lot like me, pretty good at talking to people, can't make small talk and you over think things a lot. Now this really depends on your age but the next time you go to the mall to check out some shops, talk to at least 1 person in every store. There is a high chance that you will not meet these people again, even 1 month later (and by then they would have forgotten you and what you said) and also follow the 3-second rule. When you see someone to talk to (a girl by herself looking at some shoes or some shit) you must approach her within 3 seconds of seeing her. Just go up to her, smile and say "I bet that would look good on you" or something similar (but make sure that it is always in context. Don't ask a really random question like who is your favorite sport team). If she doesn't respond, walk away knowing you will probably not see her again for a long time and if she does respond, try to keep talking to her by taking a noun from her last sentence and talk about it, eg:

You: "I bet those shoes would look really good on you"

Her: "Haha thanks, I really like the color on them"

You: "Is ____ your favorite color?"

Her: "Yeah but I also like _____ a lot. Both of them make happy"

You: "What are some other things that make you happy?"

Hopefully you get the idea, just make the conversation flow.

All of this is to practice approaching new people (college, school?) and to just have fun with them. Once you can approach a few randoms, surely you can go up to someone you don't know at a party and introduce yourself. More and more people will start to recognize you and want to talk to you.

You say that you never feel like your actually connecting to people and that you feel boring and average. Just make jokes. Laugh at things and most importantly, try to have fun.

reativica · 2013-02-12T18:14:25+00:00

So a lot of people have posted some pretty good tips to help you start, but I have a little to add as well.

First of all,

I make a fair deal of social interaction every day but again it feels really shallow and I never feel like I'm making a connection to people. I feel really damn boring and average

This is your problem, believe it or not. You make small talk (not a bad thing), but you do it for the wrong reasons. You make small talk, not to check up on people you care about, but just to make it. That's the main reason why you feel like this:

I just feel too bored or tired to make any proper conversation with my friends.

Imo, at least. To improve this, here is what I would advise you to do.

1.) When you talk to people, understand you are making a conscious decision to take the time and connect with them. This is valuable time, double so as it takes away from two peoples' time. Be genuinely interested in what they have to say (otherwise don't talk to them, as it wouldn't make sense to waste your time and their time, doing so.)

Keeping this mind set, will improve your conversations immensely.

2.) Look up some ways online to keep conversations going, one that immediately comes to mind is called "parroting," which is basically repeating the last thing the person said, and having them subconsciously tell you more on the subject matter. Like any other skill, you have to learn to do it. These tools, you will find, will help you maintain conversations more naturally.

3.) Lastly, and most importantly by far, you need to Listen better. Nearly everyone I have known that has had conversational issues (including myself) has had this be their major fault. What people usually do when someone talks is they hear what is being said. Listening requires an actual thought, and awareness, to what the words mean in comparison to the person saying them, not just the subject matter of the conversation. Listening to someone is the most important aspect to conversation, as it's the glue to having a conversation.

NOTE: This is not something easily picked up, you have to train yourself to be that aware to what people are saying.

By actually caring about person, and listening to what they say, you will have 1000x better conversations. Also, don't be afraid to push social norms in conversation. This day and age, people don't open up so easily. There is so much judgement in society, no one wants to be wrong, and judged as such. Don't fall into the same category. When talking ask "The What's and why's," it'll connect you to the person better because you'll learn why that person is having a "good day," as in response to "How's your day?" Or why they lied, and how its turning out to be shitty.

Best of luck.

2013-02-13T00:01:25+00:00

and a lot of the time I just feel too bored or tired to make any proper conversation with my friends.

This might be one of your bigger problems. Ever hear of something called state transference? Basically, whatever emotion you feel, the people around you will feel. Mirror neurons and all that jazz.

People subconsciously pick up on that shit. Ever had a moment where you were feeling down, but your upbeat friend stopped by and cheered you up just by being around him?

You're doing the opposite of that guy. The people won't be interested in having a conversation with you if you're not interested in having a conversation either.

It's the same reason for the whole "awkwardness is self-generated" thing. If nobody feels awkward about a situation (even though society dictates that the situation is "supposed" to be awkward), then it's not going to be awkward. But let's say you're approaching a girl and you feel awkward. Well, now it's awkward because you made it awkward, and she's going to feel awkward because you feel awkward.

DrunkAtTheWedding · 2013-02-12T10:15:06+00:00

1) do things that push your comfort zone. Things that you actually do not want to but would be awesome. Like fully clothed jump to a pond. Do a long rediculus dance in a public place, skydiving, etc. these things will spark emotion, allow you to learn to express yourself more than just trying to talk to people. This will make you interesting.

2) plan events and invite people along. Go to the park with a plate of sandwiches and enjoy the sunshine. Go on a hike, have a BBQ, invite friends to the gym. These normal things make you a value giver, and will make people try and have conversations with you and make you likeable.

drifting_ · 2013-02-12T10:52:49+00:00

Read, how to win friends and influence people. Could be a good start.

iDandy · 2013-02-12T15:26:27+00:00

Oh man get out and do it. In the last month I have just crossed this social border where its almost like a new reality. I want to be social, I want to talk. I want to go out. This is a very big change for me. I think it mostly has to do with getting out there and doing it when I did not want to. Accepting social invitations even when you really do not want to is a big one. Also, talking to anyone and everyone.

Basically I have pretty much no one to thank but myself and RSD. Their ideas about meditation and being social and gaining reference exeprience have helped me to no end. They have a subreddit at reddit.com/r/rsd if you want to check it. That one reddit.com/r/socialskills looks cool too.

Its possible to flip the switch into social mode. I don't think I will ever go back to where I was at and this makes me happy as hell. If I can do it, you sure as hell can too

kingcal · 2013-02-12T10:11:14+00:00

I'd recommend trying to find groups of clubs to join. This should be especially easy if you're still in school. I, myself, will be moving to a new city for a new job. I plan on using Meetup.com to try and find some people I can hang out with besides just my co-workers and establish a new social circle right away. See if there's anything in your city that looks interesting. Either way, getting into some kind of activity automatically guarantees that the people you're around will share some common interests.

DallasTxEnt · 2013-02-12T16:34:26+00:00

take Adderall. go to a bar. drink. but really, if you mean sociable like "able to walk into a bar alone and leave with a girl to take home" become a regular at that bar first and get to know the bar tenders. tip well. get good at darts or pool or something. go there just to watch a game and see what happens. bum cigarettes off people, start conversation. I guess it helps a lot if youre still in college too lol

reekomds · 2013-02-12T17:53:00+00:00

Do things for people. Its crazy how much I believe this will help. It can be as simple as complementing a friend of yours. What helped for me is to get involved in community service. I Began volunteering with underprivileged children as a tutor initially only because I needed to to complete service hours for a program. But the joy I ended up getting for doing it radiated into all aspects of my life and just made me more compassionate which people respond to. I hope this helps!

RonnieLibra · 2013-02-12T22:46:10+00:00

I SWEAR I just answered this yesterday. I will copy and paste it here for you... ;)

2 things I have used to great success... (and if you want to see what I mean by success you can check my blog by googling "Libra Chronicles")

1 - Affirmations. Some great ones are about you being attractive, the prize, etc. Cory Skyy's Magnetic Mindset has some good ones on the third disk - a 10 minute session and a 20 minute session. I would say you can just listen to them and have some effect, but the way I did affirmations was from a trick I learned from one of Ross Jeffries' earliest programs.

You repeat the affirmations, into audio, and change the I statements into You statements.

i.e. :the original affirmation, "I am a sexy motherfucker."

You would record yourself saying it as, "You are a sexy motherfucker."

Why?

Because your mind can actually reject an identity statement that is not true. If you say to yourself, "I am charming and women love me." to yourself and it's Not True, your mind can simply say, "Ummm No I'm not!"

However, if you Hear someone say (especially in your voice) You are charming and women love you." your mind is hearing it as a description and is being told this. It is a subconscious trick, and it is much more likely to stick and not be rejected. It's like if your friend was telling you that. You wouldn't reject is because it's not you saying it, so it would feel good.

So you make a bit audio mp3 or recording of you saying all the affirmations, it's better to repeat them 5 or even 10 times and listen to them before you go to bed or while you're falling asleep. Do it for about a month or 2 ever single night.

That's step 1. ;)

Step 2 is:

Start going out everywhere and talking to people. Start talking to people in line at the coffeeshop, the old lady in front of you at the grocery store, the person you pass who smiles at you on the street.

The lady working at the counter. Make conversation with everyone. Get used to it. Make it a NATURAL part of who you are. Joke with them. Compliment them. Be cool, be fun, be silly or be positive. Whatever.

Become a NORMALLY social guy.

Guess what? The more you do this, the MORE it will become Sticky to you. It creates MOMENTUM. The funny thing is, I can get people smiling FAST these days because MOMENTUM builds up, not just moment to moment but day after day, month after month, year after year.

After a while you can even ease off and NOT talk to as many people and you'll notice (at least I do) that I can talk to very few people and have them smiling and likeing me very fast. Sometimes a girl is smiling before I even open my mouth to say my first word to her, and I am NOT a traditionally good looking dude (but I AM a sexy motherfucker! ;) )

You will instill in you a good social personality. When you talk to girls (or want to) it will BE natural and will come across natural.

So - Affirmations

Momentum.

That will build LASTING state. If you want a quick fix the affirmations will help a little but if you want some badass results you can build over time try this stuff right here..

;)

2013-02-13T02:31:25+00:00

I like to try to converse with everyone. It really is a great way to get over any anxiety you have of being sociable. Have a conversation with your cashier, the person sitting next to you on the bus, the person next to you on the ski lift, your coworkers or classmates. When you get over that anxiety of talking to strangers you really become more sociable and going up and talking to girls becomes much easier as well

Title	How do I become more sociable in general?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	10
Comments	11
Date	February 12, 2013 7:33 AM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/18d7yd/how_do_i_become_more_sociable_in_general/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-do-i-become-more-sociable-in-general.1347306 https://theredarchive.com/post/1347306

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