Weird situation... How to be confident and assertive and escalate on a date with a rape victim?

KFCZ · 2014-03-16T00:58:11+00:00

I guess communication is key. There is no reason why you shouldn't say "Would you like to kiss me?". If you say it confidently, and have built attraction, it could work - and at least you're not suddenly going for her face which could make her panic... I've used this line (albeit not to rape victims) and it has always worked for me. (Admittedly, I've used the line on a very small pool of women...).

Take things slower and be aware of where she is mentally. Hopefully, some other folk here can answer your question properly.

sjdvoq · 2014-03-16T02:27:12+00:00

Wow, this is weird- I was just recently in almost this exact same situation. I don't know the details for your girl, but mine was a virgin except for the time she was date raped so she was very hesitant towards sex.

I just kissed her like I would a normal person because at the time I didn't know she had been raped. I can only speak to my experience with this but I would say you have to treat sex a little differently but you can treat everything up to sex like normal- kiss her like you would a normal girl, you don't have to ask for permission just do it; she'll pull away if it's unwanted. I didn't get any resistance until I tried to have sex, which is when she told me that she was raped 6 months ago and that that was the only time she had ever had sex.

I closed the deal on the next date- here's what I did. First I made sure she completely trusted me and knew I would never do anything like the guy who raped her. I already knew she trust me and discussed this with her when she told me about the incident, but it's really important that she knows that with you, if she says no, you're going to respect that and not push forward.

So now that she trusts me, we're at my house hanging out and we start making out on the couch like we normally do, but we did it longer than I would normally do it before suggesting sex. After a pretty long make out session, I asked her how she was feeling about the whole sex thing and if there was anything I could do to ease her into it and make her feel comfortable. I asked her if it was okay for me to remove my shirt and she said yes, so I did and we continued kissing for about 5-10 minutes so she could get comfortable with the idea of me without my shirt. Then I told her to take off her shirt, but told her she could leave her bra on if she wanted. Notice I asked permission for the first thing and then phrased the second thing like a command, but not a true command because it had a hedging compromise of allowing her to keep her bra on, and also because she knew that if she said no I would accept that. Basically because you asked permission for the first move towards sex, she'll know that even when its phrased like a command, she still gets to approve or veto all of the subsequent moves towards sex. At the same time, you are still doing all the leading. You aren't waiting for her to remove her shirt, you're having her do it at your own pace, which has actually been adjusted to her pace.

Then we kissed for 5 or 10 more minutes so she could get comfortable with kissing me without a shirt and then I told her to take off her bra the same way I told her to take off her shirt. We kissed for another 5 or 10 minutes, then I asked if she wanted to go to my bedroom just so we could be more comfortable, but made a point of reminding her that once we're in there she still doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to do. Once in my bedroom, we basically did the kiss/remove clothing/kiss/remove clothing thing until we where both naked and I think you can handle it from the here. So that's basically what I did. Laugh and make some jokes along the way to put her at ease, but that's basically it.

Sylinus · 2014-03-16T00:46:07+00:00

Very curious here.

Irish_Chick · 2014-03-16T11:21:49+00:00

As a SURVIVOR of child sexual abuse, I can speak from my point of view. Treat her as you would any other date (conversion, hand holding non sexual body contact) . . . However with her being a rape survivor just be guided by her body language, take things slow and let her take the lead. Maybe let her bring up having sex . . . Obviously after a few dates, if she doesn't, give it a bit more time and you bring it up . . . In way that's not presumptuous. She's a normal girl . . . Who would not want to be defined by the action of others. Good luck

RandianHero · 2014-03-16T06:26:21+00:00

Tricky, but fortunately I have some experience in this department.

As a man, your job is to lead. But more importantly, it's to care for the people who follow you. It takes a certain measure of trust for someone to hand over that kind of control, and it absolutely needs to be granted willingly. Victims of rape have had that control forcibly taken from them, so they're not in a quick position to give it away.

Your job as a man is to be who you are, and offer that stability, protection, and care that you normally would; the key word being offer. You're not there to assert yourself. You're there to be a beacon of normalcy that she can return to when she feels she's ready.

If she wants to talk about it, she'll talk about it. You don't need to coax it out of her. If she wants to keep it locked up, that's her business. Your place is to be a neutral party that listens when needed, but more importantly, knows when to shut up. Show that you can provide her care, and give her the choice before making any decisions for the both of you. You don't have to walk on eggshells, but understand that her situation may be outside of normal for a while, and she has to return to normalcy on her own time.

topsailsurf · 2014-03-16T01:54:35+00:00

I think asking her in a confident way is the best route. Rape victims can have some persisting psychological issues, being sensitive would be best in my opinion. She may have no problem with you being dominant in your physical interactions, but then again she might.

bl1y · 2014-03-16T01:10:48+00:00

What you should do is treat her like a normal person who isn't defined by one event in her life.

You should always be paying attention to her signals and calibrating.

Title	Weird situation... How to be confident and assertive and escalate on a date with a rape victim?
Author	XWindX
Upvotes	1
Comments	9
Date	March 16, 2014 12:41 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/20ip0v/weird_situation_how_to_be_confident_and_assertive/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/weird-situation-how-to-be-confident-and-assertive.1367619 https://theredarchive.com/post/1367619

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