Brothers, I am in my hour of need.

Me: 40/Her: 32

Former PUA with a good track record/spinning plates in the past. It was really easy for me to be alpha, not pretend but walk it when I was single. Anyway I've been in an LTR for four years since and have been watching all of my alpha wash down the drain. Best I can describe it is like an open chest wound that I'm desperately clinging to to stop the bleeding even though its squirting through my fingers. I've turned into a supplicating emotional boob. I hate it. I spend a good part of my day thinking about my fuckups from the previous day and what I can do better that evening. It consumes my thoughts. Sex has been dwindling a bit (once a week) and I'm the only initiator. I read Athol Kay' s book. I found some of it helpful, parts cringeworthy (pegging), and much of it inapplicable (star trek reference after star trek reference) to my life.

I'm fucking lost guys. The woman I'm with is great to me most of the time. She wants me to start playing guitar and skateboarding again. Two activities she knows I love but gave up due to a controlling ex. She tells me to go out and grab a beer from time to time and doesn't nag on me while I'm gone. She listens to me when I've got something to say, comes to me for advice and will occasionally brag to her friends about my intelligence. Her pet name for me is "sexy".

Her downsides are her ability to go silent on me. I won't know what the fuck the issue is until days later. It's like she's running dread game on me. The other are her pokes at my physique. I've come miles from where I was just a year ago, yet she'll point and laugh at the asymmetry of my biceps. I laugh it off to her, but it effects me deeply. She also at times when she's mentally preoccupied with her work day, doesn't reciprocate or initiate affection.

My mind is my prison. My last relationship was destroyed because my ex fucked everyone she could, so divorce no questions asked. So I privately worry about my current relationship as a result. I am ever vigilant to try and keep things light, make decisions, lift 3x a week and be dominant in bed. That vigilance of not wanting to fuck things up, is fucking things up.

You see, I'm home all day with the kids while I'm pursuing my degree. Once I graduate, I won't have any difficulty finding good paying work. This should help, I imagine. That's still two years out though. I don't feel like I'm mastering my life at this stage and I don't feel desirable at all.