Quick and dirty bio before I ask my question: I've been alone too long. I'm content in general but only because I've learned to forget what I've missed. I'm 38 and haven't had a relationship in 8 years - I've had random Craigslist hookups about once a year. I've gone years without so much as a hug. I'm not a complete basket case, I can make small talk just fine.

But here's the dilemma - after so many years of confusion, rejection, withdrawal, and hopelessness the entire subject of dating and sex brings me nothing but bad feelings. As soon as I think about sex it's immediately followed by depressive, borderline-suicidal thoughts and feelings. I feel unworthy, I compare myself negatively to a million other men who are available and better than I am in any way you can imagine (I live in a big city - this is not a small pond). I feel cut off from humanity. I know I'm not the only one out there - but like the line goes, "What do the damned really have to say to the damned?".

When I actually have sex I don't particularly enjoy it either - I'm stuck in my own head, everything I'm doing is planned out and intentional. I have to be good in bed or I'm nothing - the performance anxiety is ridiculous. It doesn't help that I've usually gotten good reviews, never moreso than when I was most in my head, most mechanical, following a complex set of routines I've studied from books and forums like this one, making it all about her and enjoying it the least. When I'm least present in my body is when they enjoy it the most.

I guess I should turn this screed into a question: how do I make myself even want to throw my heart into this thresher? How can I possibly enjoy this when just thinking about even trying to make seduction happen makes me feel like jumping off of a bridge? All I see is how far I have to go, and how late it is.

..............

Edit: Apologies, reading this now I can recognize I was a world-class idiot when I posted that originally. I know I have agency and can make things better.