Being a Man vs Being a Dick

tombreck2 · 2014-10-06T17:29:07+00:00

TRP is about being a stand up man and not a nice guy pushover.

Start off by removing the word sorry from your vocabulary. A man thinks about his choice, makes it and then stands by it.

vandaalen · 2014-10-06T19:13:44+00:00

Read Robert Glover - No More Mr. Nice Guy.

No need to become an actual asshole. You just need to be able to live with some people calling you an asshole because you will drop out of doing things just because society is trying to make you to.

I am still a genuinly nice person, but I am not whoring around with it any more, but choose who deserves my attention, kindness and energy.

Don't mistake kindness for weakness. It isn't.

Edit: I am also able to come off as a complete ugly asshole though. Treat me with disrespect and you will meet my alter ego and I will have no compunction nor remorse nor will I be ashamed for it. I ran out of fucks to give what other people think about me. I only care about the opinions of three people: Jesus, myself, and my daughter. In that order.

LifeIsLoud182 · 2014-10-06T21:46:18+00:00

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise

1st Verse of 'If' by Rudyard Kipling

This is one of the classic poems about manhood. It opens with - amongst others - the qualities of resilience, calmness and self-assurance.

You are imperfect, you will make mistakes, you will genuinely hurt people. Indeed you probably already have many times over whether you know it or not. But so does everyone else all the time. One man's compliment is another's insult. You cannot and should not aim to please anyone other than yourself and those you really hold dear. What sets men apart from the herd is that they know this, accept it and don't beat themselves up about it or let others do the same. At best they simply reflect, calibrate and move on.

Being congruent ("genuine") and boundaries ("strong integrity") are good masculine traits. However you will never truly become those things without making mistakes. Not mistakes in the eyes of others but mistakes in becoming your own ideal self. It's like mastering anything, you learn by failing. Constantly censoring yourself in order that you don't make mistakes so that you don't offend people (being an asshole) does not help you on this quest nor does it garner respect from others.

If someone accuses you of being an asshole (or insinuates it), try to resist the temptation to lose frame and immediately appease them and seek their forgiveness in a supplicant manor.

Instead, pause for a second, maintaining a confident posture and neutral facial expression. Decide whether this person or their accusation is of any real consequence to you. If they are then allow the person to clarify why they have made this judgement. You can do this in a friendly way by adopting a friendly/jovial yet challenging expression and saying something like "now there are some strong words, what's up?" This shows immense resilience and ability to listen in the face of their emotional dysregulation that is directed at you. When you have your answer think whether the behaviour they have described does indeed conflict with what you want to be your core values or not. If it doesn't and all they have done is to be offended then fine. Let them be offended e.g. "Well I'm sorry you feel that way" (NB "sorry" in this context is used sympathetically and not apologetically). If on the other hand it is not how you want to be then acknowledge it. "Yes that behaviour was [X quality] when I would have rather been [Y quality]," "I see it has made you feel [Z emotion]". The first phrase retains your frame, you have analysed your behaviour and decided it is not how you want to be because you said so. Not in anyway because of them. At best all they did was bring it to your attention. The second phrase shows emotional intelligence and ability to counsel by naming their emotional response which has a therapeutic benefit to them making them feel validated by you and safe with you. However it does it in a clinical, unemotional, unapologetic way that maintains your frame.

Many people spend most of their day being child-like. That is, being more emotional than rational and overacting to otherwise innocuous stimuli. It's just human. Men/leaders/adults/good parents are people who have transcended this phenomenon to the point where they no longer get wrapped up in other people's emotional storms and even sooth it when it matters.

Once you adopt this mindset and learn how to deal with conflict you will never fear "getting it wrong" again because there is no "wrong" is a metaphysical moral sense. For 95% of people, let them be offended, don't apologise, hold your frame and shoot them a smile or a line that says "why so serious?". They will be more attracted to you because of it. For the other 5% use the method outlined above.

TLDR: You're a diamond in the rough. Experiment, get it wrong. Counsel people, or don't, but either way never apologise.

MetacognitiveMan · 2014-10-06T17:35:53+00:00

Define your personal moral boundaries for yourself and follow them. Define your personal boundaries for others and enforce them.

Keeping integrity within yourself lets you define wether you are a dick or not. Don't let others define it.

Remember, sometimes women will call you a dick when they want your dick.

HiddenPools · 2014-10-06T23:30:47+00:00

You have to define what you consider respect, both as it applies to you, and as it applies to other people. Answer these questions (for both):

What demands respect?

How do you keep respect?

How do you lose respect?

Apply these and win at being happy in life. Be super honest as to how they are fulfilled.

Kewl_Kid · 2014-10-06T17:36:03+00:00

Maybe you have to think about what it means to be an arsehole. Because contrary to what many people think, the red pill philosophy doesn't preach being an arsehole. Adopting these chracteristics you've discussed shouldn't make you an arsehole, it should make you a valuable man. So perhaps you just have a warped perspective on the type of person that makes for an arsehole.

FerrusMan · 2014-10-06T20:07:28+00:00

It is a conundrum. Women are sexually attracted to jerks and assholes, because they are jerks and assholes, not in spite of it. Wait until you try a few asshole things as an experiment, and they work, then you will really have a decision to make, grasshopper.

There are other ways, just lead, make decisions and not be wishy washy, go after what you want in life, have a plan. You don't have to be an asshole to pull women's interest, but do have to show you are not doormat material.

Oh yeah, read about passing shit tests.

Title	Being a Man vs Being a Dick
Author	gdrcigar
Upvotes	8
Comments	10
Date	October 6, 2014 5:20 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/2igqp1/being_a_man_vs_being_a_dick/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/being-a-man-vs-being-a-dick.142642 https://theredarchive.com/post/142642

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