Hello all.

I met a girl through the comedy scene here in (a major Midwestern City), and I applied what I've been learning here in TRP and /r/asktrp to the situation with mostly positive results. On the first night of engagement, I went home with her, something that I've only done a few times in my 28 years of life.

We were both a bit tipsy that night and she mentioned some vague things about "not knowing if she could make me feel good about myself" and other things I've heard before that indicated to me what I've heard a lot in my life: I'm drawn to you and attracted to you, but I have a hang up about your weight.

To clarify, I have been an overweight guy for most of my life. I'm not a bad looking guy, and I was a three sport athlete in high school. So I am by no means a formless mass, but I am nevertheless bigger. In the last two months I've gotten serious about my weight and I've lost about 30 pounds. I'm going to keep going, but I've still got a way to go.

What I lack in looks I make up in charisma and humor: I am above average funny and charismatic. I am a player in the professional comedy scene here, and when I'm out I draw people to me socially. My charisma helps me to gain clients at work and I impress people with the ease with which I speak with and engage them.

I read that last paragraph and realize it sounds a bit douchey (like telling you an SAT score), but I just wanted to give a fair picture of myself.

Anyhow, I invited her over to make dinner with me later that week and she was game. The experience was very awkward at first, and soon I decided that maybe it was a bad idea. About three hours earlier than I wanted the night to end, I figured it was about to be a sunk-cost thing and I offered to walk her to her car. "Ok" she said meekly. I went in the living room to sit down and tie my shoes, and she came in looking distressed. She told me she "doesn't know what she is doing" and that she is "so shallow." I'm like...uhh...okay. She proceeds to explain that she is very attracted to me and wants to be around me but has never dated a guy my size before.

Instead of negotiating attraction with logic, I simply say, "ok, I guess that's a deal breaker then. You can leave." Immediately she jumps my bones and starts making out with me. We then proceed upstairs to my bedroom again for sexy times.

Then radio silence for a week. I mostly kept it cool and didn't figure she would call again, but the following Sunday I get a text asking me what I was up to. We talk a bit more and decide I will pick her up the next day and have some fun.

So we do that, we have a fun night that culminates in us taking a walk around a park and drinking a bottle of wine. It is going okay - better than the dinner the night before - when I give her a vague compliment. She immediately launches into a diatribe about how "you just say shit to women because you know you're good at talking and you don't even mean anything by what you're saying." Now I know that sounds playful when I type it out, but the delivery was actually pretty acerbic. This unleashed "the feels." Commence dumbassery.

I tell her that she is not the only one that has hangups, that I've had poor relationships in the past and so she isn't the only one here determining if proceeding along with this thing is right. She starts to hamster a bit (no more than I was, I guess), saying that she didn't know what to say and that I was putting a lot of pressure on her. I coasted with that, saying that it wasn't on me if she felt pressure, and she was free to leave if she wanted. She replied, "well I was having fun and then all this came out!" I countered with the fact that she has a shit storm of "stuff" that came out the week before, including the fact that she basically told me that she liked me but I was too big.

Okay, so...I know I shouldn't have said any of this, but...at a crucial point in the conversation, I figured I had one last opportunity to smooth things over. So I came close to her, looked right at her and said, "look, just forget it. I'm not even really talking to you I guess. I'm talking to myself. Forget it. Let's go."

Again, this triggers a passionate make-out session that leads to another bar and then back to her apartment. We have sex.

During the sex (in which I at first performed poorly because of too much to drink), a dom/sub dynamic forms after she tells me that she "likes to be told what to do." This gets her really hot when I start giving her commands and telling her what I'd like to do to her. At one point, I tell her she is going to stop playing these fucking games and do what I tell her to do from now on.
me: "Do you understand?" her: "Yes, I understand" me: "Good. Because if you don't, there will be consequences." her: (sexily) "What kind of consequences?"

It was at this point that I gave her a spank on the ass. It didn't injure her, nor do I think it hurt very much, but it was loud. She reacted kind of...neutral to it. I couldn't tell if she liked it or not. Nonetheless, we continue with sexy talk for a little more time, and then kind of just talk and make out, including at one point her asking me, "can I trust you? are you going to tell other people (in our comedy scene) about me? "Naw." I said. And we went to sleep.

In the middle of the night my knee (which has been giving me a lot of trouble and has required multiple surgeries) was throbbing from the pain of heavy banging. At about 3am, she was asleep and I crawled out of her bed and went home to take some Ibuprofen and sleep in my own bed.

The next morning we texted, I told her why I left and kept it light. Her response was lukewarm.

Then nothing for over a week.

I felt let down but not devastated as I would have in the past. I couldn't figure out why she wasn't texting me back. For instance, if it was because of my little "outburst" at the park, why have sex with me after that? If it was about my dirty talk in bed, why not put an end to it there? If it was about my "spank" (too much too soon, maybe?) Why do more dirty talk and caressing and holding after that?

I sent her a text today just to see if there was any spark there, and I got no response. Dead in the water, at least from my end.

So why the autopsy? Why do I care what she was thinking? I already know the answer to what my next step is (NEXT and move on), but I figure...it has to be worth something to investigate what could have been done better, what I could have done if I did it again, and what could have been going through her mind. Does she feel annoyed? Violated? Ashamed? Embarrassed? Or just...over it?

And yes, I feel humiliated about a large part of this. I submit it nevertheless for the good of the order.

Do not go gently on me.

edited: for grammar and spelling