Late bloomer. High SMV. Decent marriage. What to do with the urge to spin 1,000 plates?

sigmared82 · 2014-11-25T20:09:26+00:00

First off, TRP is amoral and objective. You're asking a moral and subjective question. But, here are some things to ask yourself.

Do you have moral qualms with cheating?
Do you think you can pull off enough frame control to convince your wife to be ok with you having girlfriends?
Do you think she's the kind of woman who would turn a blind eye as long as you were discreet? (You'd be surprised how many women are ok with their husbands having sex outside the marriage as long as he's discreet and she doesn't feel like you might leave her).

Oh, a few other things to consider:

How much higher is your SMV than hers? The bigger the difference, the more you can get away with.
You also have very little experience with being in relationships with other women. Is it possible you've prematurely married the first girl you dated and that maybe you're just hamstering a way to get out of your marriage? Nothing wrong with this, just make sure you're being completely honest with yourself.

fnordsnord · 2014-11-25T21:55:59+00:00

Step back. Take a deep breath. LITERALLY ask yourself, "What do I want?" Not "what's best for me?" "Not "what's best for my marriage?" but

What do I want? Then ask yourself "why?"

You've managed a pretty good gig. Pretty woman, eager in bed. You like the ride?

You're looking for variety at 33? Well, that's normal. The thing is, variety isn't all it's cracked up to be. You're talking about hurting your wife and turning your life upside down to chase pussy that you don't even know is good or not.

I'm not saying it's not a valid choice. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. But chasing fresh pussy takes time, effort, energy, and money.

Trust me - you won't like cheating. Even if you can get away with it, getting caught is a constant worry at the back of your mind, unless you're a total douche.

So here's my thought. For now, just start pushing your wife to be more adventurous in the bedroom. Bring up anal. Oral, if you're not already doing it. Do it in the living room. In the car like you're teenagers.

Over (a LOT) of time, bring her around to the idea of threesomes and swinging and see if she bites. Even if it remains a fantasy, it will introduce more variety into your bedroom.

If that doesn't do it, reconsider leaving the marriage.

vandaalen · 2014-11-25T22:25:13+00:00

If you want to know, why you feel the way you feel go and read Esther Vilar - The Polygamous Sex.

It's not that long and should be read by every RPer. The tl;dr is, that we men have a cognitive dissonance going on, derriving from our altruistic protector side interferring with our sexual desires.

Then you need to figure out, what to make out of it.

I liked a moment on The Black Phillip Show (Playlist with all episodes. If you haven't already listened to them, you should start right away), where Patrice had a call from a man who wanted to cheat on his wife, and Patrice just asked him "Why don't you do it?".

Although Patrice has been an advocate for cheating, which I am not, it will be very enlightening to yourself to give this question a very long and good thought and will bring you much further to knowing how you want to actually go through with it.

Everything else has been said by /u/sigmared82 and /u/fnordsnord/. You will not find absolution here, if you are looking for it. You need to look in your face in the mirror every morning, not me.

notmyusualsig · 2014-11-26T07:18:01+00:00

Is this not exactly the male version of what we chastise women for? With the possible exception that you are providing for yourself and probably her, while women do this to men that are providing for them.

I would think long and hard, and then step back for weeks or months, and think again. I wouldnt act on this right away. People have a lot of vices, and few are really all that rewarding beyond temporary pleasure.

Ive been with about 30 women. Some were boring in bed. Some were ok. Some were good. Few were great. One was great. Other than the top 2 or 3, theyre forgettable and not worth the time it took imo.

I would find some a worthwhile goal to focus on instead and devote you time to that. Youve already made your decision and you decided well it seems. Would fucking a few more women be fun? Sure. So would doing a few lines of coke I bet, but even though I have the money I stay away. At this point I would recommend the same for you.

plainwhiff · 2014-11-26T03:31:27+00:00

I was in your place a couple years ago. I cheated on my wife. I didn't even go far with it, but I knew that what I was doing would hurt her. It tore me up inside to know that I'd done it.

I created all kinds of rationalizations and internal defenses for why I'd done it, to help me live with it, and these came out as trouble in the marriage--basically, I was always angry with her because I had hurt her.

It was a constant torment, worried she would find out, angry at myself. It was on my mind every second I was with her. I lost my ability to have fun with her, to enjoy her company.

These feelings of intense guilt were unmanageable for me and they didn't go away until I told her what I had done. She chose to forgive me and we have managed to work past it, but if I could take it back, I would.

Marriage is a partnership built on trust and respect. If you're running around on her, you damage those two core foundational elements. Know that whatever you do, it will have an impact on the marriage in the long run.

[deleted] · 2014-11-26T06:34:28+00:00

Dont destroy your marriage, you will regret it! Its not worth it

Rhunta · 2014-11-26T11:05:58+00:00

You promised to not fucking anybody else when you married. So, I think you should keep that promise.

If you don't thing she is perfect train her in becoming more the way you like.

[deleted] · 2014-11-25T22:19:57+00:00

But I need to fuck other women.

No, you just want to.

I really like my wife and want her to have my kids.

Then shouldn't you be fucking her? Stop thinking like a degenerate.

beardedheathen · 2014-11-25T20:05:29+00:00

Don't be a douche. You are lying to yourself and to your wife. If you can't maintain a faithful partnership then at least let her leave with some dignity. So figure out if you actually love your wife more than you just wanna get your rocks off and if so get over yourself. Otherwise let her know that you need something else maybe she'll be cool with three way or let you go chasing skirt. But you made a promise when you got married and your hormones aren't an excuse to renegade on that promise.

ZombieJorge · 2014-11-25T21:50:03+00:00

Post a TIFU by life, learn from me. Don't get married. Don't mess up your kid's life, man. You have to be a dad now.

Title	Late bloomer. High SMV. Decent marriage. What to do with the urge to spin 1,000 plates?
Author	randomLoop
Upvotes	21
Comments	19
Date	November 25, 2014 7:59 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/2nejl8/late_bloomer_high_smv_decent_marriage_what_to_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/late-bloomer-high-smv-decent-marriage-what-to-do.143969 https://theredarchive.com/post/143969

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