When I was 20 years old I finally found a way to fight my social anxiety and practice the subtle art and discipline of assertive communication, particularly with women. And it’s not what you think. I had been socially anxious for as long as I could remember. It was always hard to motivate me to “get out there and be social”. I always seemed to prefer my own company, even when loneliness and sexual desire were at the forefront of my concerns.

So, one day, after a long and insufferable bout of depression following the extravagantly destructive end of a 2-year relationship, I decided that I wasn’t making enough money to do the things I wanted to. Naturally, with no valuable education or trade skills, I did what any 20-year-old college drop-out would do. I became a waiter.

I was lucky enough to get hired at the first restaurant I walked into. A cheap Italian/American chain with high-demand despite their crappy reviews on Yelp. I was interviewed on the spot by a female manager who apparently thought I was cute, although I have never considered myself very attractive (Truth be told I was slightly overweight and beginning to bald). My palms were sweating profusely as I blurted out whatever bullshit I thought she wanted to hear from my sorry ass. Miraculously, it worked. I began training that week.

After nearly a year of isolating myself from my friends and the world, I was extremely uncomfortable with the interpersonal nature of this job, but I knew that if I hoped to make anything more than minimum wage in my region’s economic climate, I had to make it work. The promise of at least $100 per night in tips was too good to pass up. So I clumsily stumbled through conversations with my guests, who’s reasons for not trying to get me fired probably lay between indifference and pity.

Weeks went by, and then months. After countless exposures to brand new groups of diners (or “sets” if you want to think of it that way), I honed my observation of social queues and learned to adapt to a plethora of different social situations. The shear number of encounters quickly made me comfortable interacting with people I hardly knew. I became an integral member of the team and felt a sense of community amongst my coworkers which gave me a much-needed feeling of confidence and purpose. These are underlying principles of non-neediness.

So here’s the point:

It seems pretty well known that taking an active interest in combatting your social anxiety is the key to its eradication. But finding the motivation, or the excuse to do so is the challenge that holds most of us back. My motivation in the past was not good enough. Evidently, the dream of a vibrant social and romantic life was just not worth the uncomfortable journey for me. In this case, my excuse for putting myself through that mortifyingly awkward pain period was purely financial, yet it became perhaps the most transformative experience of my life. My point here is, not only does working in restaurants (or any sales environment) expose you to regular constructive social challenges, but it also allows you to focus on a paycheck while you do it, thus taking the pressure off of you to get your social interactions right the first time. You will think of your tables like jobs that need to get done, instead of the dreaded human we are all so afraid of talking to. Obviously one shouldn’t treat humans like objects, but for the sake of this pain period, this mindset and natural side effect of the job will serve your purpose.

If this isn’t enough motivation for you, let me tell you about the culture of restaurant workplaces. Everyone there is in the same shitty position. Lots of hungry people want to eat, right now, so you and your team’s job is to get that food to their tables before they start bitching. Often facing overwhelming odds, you and your colleagues will endure stresses together that develop deep bonds, as well as drama. If you’ve ever worked in restaurants, you know what I’m talking about. It depends where you work, but chances are that many of the female staff will be attractive. Even if you don’t try to, you will build relationships with these women. I took home one of the waitresses in my first 2 months at that job. I had plenty of other opportunities that I did not pursue (or continue to pursue) for reasons relating to my own attraction and values. I even had the gay bartender chasing me. And no, I didn’t bang him, you fucking animals. I had opportunities with female guests that I did not act on out of professional courtesy, but looking back, the difficulties of number closing a customer could have been worked on. I did get a phone number left on a napkin once… Still counts.

To wrap this up, serving at a restaurant lifted me out of the bottomless pit of social oblivion that I had spent the previous year rapidly descending into. I might owe my life to it. Fast forward to today. I’m 22 and back in college. I drive for Uber on the side which provides more opportunities to grow socially by the same principle of constant exposure to unique situations and people. Uber presents its own dating opportunities, but that is a topic for another post. I am by no means free of social anxiety. I still fall victim to awkward interactions, bad days, bad months. I believe deep spiritual reflection and seeking knowledge on the nature of one’s own consciousness are vital to one’s contentment and subsequent improvement.

If this helps one person out there in cyberspace one day, I will be thankful. Thanks for taking the time to share in my experiences.

Alex