I'm a freshman student , i though life would get better , i've Always struggle with being bullied ,abused (by Parents then friends),Feeling alone ghosted by Friends and Girls.

I've absolutly no expérience with girl, last years i got my first gf who ghosted me 1 month After the relationship.i delt with the hardest part (mostly fucking alone) I know that's because i hate myself mostly but i can't help myself with that ,some say "do sport" but i'm into MMA and in and shape compare to my classmates, some say learn a skill but i'm already really good at playing the guitar(like almost professional).

Last night there was a party in my school and i tried to talk to a girl i like. We had like a funny conversation recently (even if it felt a lot awkward). I though "yeah lets tell her she's cute and stuff", i was talking to someone and she came in front of me , i Say hi but at this point she kept on avoiding eye contact ignoring what i was saying many Times (like really ignoring), talked with the weirdest Guy(who confident but fucking pitifull) in my class and laughted with him, i'm very pissed of because when i disrespected this guy, he told me to fuck of and before i could do anything it i said "i know" and shut my mouth... i had no control.. few seconds later i though "i dont care anyway, she's just like the others, With a boring life".(i felt no anger,nothing expect later that night and today). At one point she said "omg look there's this Guy there ! She Saw a guy who seemed popular but idk why he's popular ...to me he doesn't seem like he got charisma at all. I feel like she find me attractive , find me funny , but there an amount of awkwardness that is to damn high. and she's a 7 so she can hang out with a more popular guy if she wants to. i think a friend of her who's a complete bitch talked shit on me also because i dont like her. Idk...