Greetings Reddit readers. I am new to this platform and will try to keep it somewhat brief.

Me: age 50, married 19 years, no kids

She (then age 44) filed as legal separation in June 2022. Through some keen awareness and instinct on my part, I confirmed she could not even wait for the proceedings (which I requested move from legal separation to divorce) to be final before she was involved with other guys.

In October 2022, I found her getting out of a guy’s car, after which she returned home accompanied by neighbors (obviously to paint me as a threat), straight-face lied that she had never been with anyone else and insinuated that I was the one acting strange as though I had something to conceal. She gathered a few things and moved in with the neighbors around the corner. I gray-rocked her, blocking phone and e-mail. In February 2023 (likely after the tryst fell apart after only a few months), she attempted to circumvent the radio silence and sent e-mail from her professional Outlook account.

I was able to acquire a lot of written and electronic communication with very little work, as she was not as vigilant as she thought she was in covering her tracks. She went on some pretty significant spending sprees (clothing, cosmetics, dermal fillers, even IVF inquiries) via the joint account but I was able to get that offset in the retirement settlement after providing documentation. She also dumped several months of nauseatingly salacious texts with AP to e-mail in an attempt to rid her phone of any evidence should I request to see it. These still periodically serve as fuel on the fire when I need reminding of who she had become.

I found out she was on Bumble June 2021 and again summer 2022. A close friend of hers was polyamorous and was almost certainly encouraging her to do the same. In October 2022, and only due to its low-volume chirps upon sensing motion, I found an Apple Air Tag hidden in the rails beneath the passenger seat of my Jeep, likely pulling double duty to both track my whereabouts since she had convinced herself I was cheating and to help prevent her and her AP from being unsuspectingly walked in on. She pushed to buy a new vehicle in spring 2021 as well, including over half down from the joint account, however, I held firm that it was not sensible at the time – I now believe she was checked out by then and looking to stock up before departing.

I don’t recall when it began, but I had begun finding empty vodka bottles stashed under the kitchen sink, under the front seat of the car, and tossed out discreetly elsewhere. She never hid the fact that she liked wine but was much more secretive of the vodka. There were nights she had apparently drank so much she was ill and vomiting, and all the while I offered her comfort where possible, believing she was simply not feeling well. Like her mother, she had an antidepressant prescription for years but was never regularly adherent.

She went full-on with the reputation destruction and had built an entire narrative that I was emotionally, verbally, financially, and physically abusive that she would share with any and all. Some joint friends recognized the deception while others have never even attempted to seek out the other half of the story. Meanwhile, all in her circle were getting a story that I was taking it very hard and had become estranged from my family in despair. She had even attempted to contact my family under the guise that she believed I was in a dark place and at risk to myself. The projection was off the charts on all fronts. She had a long history of jealousy – time spent with my friends, colleagues, etc. would often invoke the silent treatment upon return, and dare I do so much as even speak to another female, I would be met with ridiculous accusations.

I am fortunate to work remote as an engineer/geophysicist and moved out of state December 2022, returning to a small town that feels like the closest thing to a hometown I have. It’s also where we were married in 2003 and spent many summers, so obviously the memories have been and sometimes continue to be difficult. The marital home was sold, and we split the substantial profit, leaving both of us very well off financially.

Divorce was final March 30, 2023, the same day we closed on the home sale and the one-year anniversary of her mother’s death. She was very prone to catastrophic thinking and as I have immersed myself in research the past year-plus, I realize there were many indicators of borderline personaility and/or covert narcissistic personaility disorders. I received a phone call from her younger sister on July 7, 2023 that she had taken her own life. I did not attend the service, nor have I maintained any contact with her family, especially her younger sister who was instrumental in coaching her to maximize the damage inflicted during the process. It has been a lengthy journey, but I have come to understand that I was not responsible for her happiness nor am I to blame for her behavior and decision-making. She became an entirely different person, certainly since 2020, and spent much of her time on her phone and social media. She was also deeply unhappy with herself, despite being in excellent shape and attractive, and I suspect she was terrified of aging and the reduced SMV that comes with it. She was willing to detonate the marriage in order to try and recapture her youth.

I have been managing the best I can, especially when I can maintain the anger; however, I understand it’s not healthy to carry that for the long-term. I have learned so much about female nature the past year, regretful only of my ridiculous naiveté and the fact that it took me so long to have those cliché rose-colored glasses ripped off my face and smashed on the ground. I have always been heavily invested in my physical health and continue to stay on my road bike, putting in 150-200 mile weeks on my indoor smart trainer (until warmer weather arrives to transition outdoors). If only strong body and an ability to endure sustained physical suffering translated directly to strong mind. We shared many active interests – road & mountain biking, hiking, climbing, etc. – but she was also hypercompetitive and became quietly resentful whenever I accomplished specific goals or attempted to better myself in any way. I now better understand the dynamics behind such behavior and that many would rather pull you down to their level than rise to meet yours. I am also about to finish another Master’s degree with a 4.0 GPA in Addiction Psychology, something I ought to take pride in, especially given the tumultuous past several years. I spend other spare time on my drum kits, my vehicles, and reading but it is not possible to remain distracted at all times. I have met a few women here locally but the caliber is dishearteningly low, there is little in the way of common interests, and I just don’t feel like putting forth much effort. Not to mention I feel there remains a desire to compare to what I had for 15+ years. Since finding this forum last month, it has been tremendously helpful and I am truly grateful for those that have shared their experiences. I see many comments re: using the opportunity as a ‘fresh start’ but I’m not sure it’s so simple. I’m finding it difficult to recapture the joy and appreciation of simple pleasures and being present in the moment; however, I also can retrospectively see that I have made some progress since last summer. It will take time but with the support of forums such as these, we need not feel as though we’re going it alone. Thank you to all who have shared.