I am not transgender, I am afab- this is due to a medical issue. I would appreciate all transgender politics not be discussed in response to my question, as it isn’t relevant.

Requested relevant information: Me 25f Boyfriend 30m, friends for 10 years, 2.5 years together, and getting engaged in 6 months. Cohabitating in house I own.

Issue(s): - I medically have high testosterone, which I believe results in masculine tendencies. This is not intentional, it is due to PCOS. - I have a history of perfectionism and control issues. - I have a higher sex drive than my partner due to the increase in hormones and my lifestyle emasculating him.

I have tried: - Being entirely reliant on him, unintentionally. I burnt out completely, became bedridden, and now he is nursing me back to health. This has oddly helped our relationship due to me being forced to slow down and lean on him for help. - On good days, I embody the softer, feminine behaviors from early in our relationship to great success. - Kinky, submissive sex. Or servicing his needs exclusively in a variety of intimate ways. This is enjoyed by both parties but isn’t possible on bad medical days.

I need help with: - “Killing” the masculine drive that the testosterone has given me. - Submitting the appropriate and desired amount. - Swallowing more of TRP despite my career path and past mindset. - Finding validation in a slower path and in my home life rather than a high stakes competitive career.

I’m really not sure what is relevant, so I am throwing pretty much everything out there. There’s a lot of fake shit on Reddit these days, a lot of fan fiction and LARPing. I’ve assessed what my historical relationships and mindsets have been and done my best to summarize them in an unbiased way.

Background:

I’ve always been a high achiever attracted to the “I can fix him” kind of man. I was a print model, I’ve won international STEM competitions, won national musical composition contests, taught yoga, and played competitive airsoft. High grades in high level courses. My skills have always been broad and awarded due to my diligence and daily practice to master my crafts. If I was going to do something, I was going to be the best at it. There has always been a fire under my feet driving me to move forward.

All of this wasn’t for my enjoyment, it was for the external validation. If I didn’t get the attention for something or the first place trophy, I might of just wasted my time.

I’ve had a handful of prior boyfriends in the past 10 years. Those “I can fix him” men I spent months on each relationship cheated (once my effort put them in a better place) or turned out to be gay. Sometimes it was a double and they cheated on me with men.

I’ve come to understand now that these men felt I emasculated them. I felt like a kink dispenser overtime. I would make it clear that in the bedroom and in life I craved being submissive, they would agree and feign interest, only to push me into dominating them in the bedroom (pegging etc) which was past my comfort level. After I would advance their career, help them pay off debts, fix porn addictions, they would have their fill and leave me for even younger women (if they didn’t go on to date men after). The next woman was always very submissive. Mutual friends would tell me how quiet the new girls were, once even saying one was “docile”. I got my exes in a place where they could support the next woman fully on their own and she could be a homemaker.

More recent events:

The two guys I dated the longest ended up being abusive (mentally, physically, and financially). I stayed because I knew they’d never leave if I was “good enough” and focused my perfect performance traits into being the best girlfriend in these two relationships. I thought that was what submissive “meant” and what men wanted. They were both very anti femdom, which was good because I didn’t enjoy doing that anyways.

With my most recent ex, this is not the subreddit to go into the details of the abuse, but my older brother’s friend ended up helping me evict my ex safely.

My older brother’s friend (28m then 30m now) and I (22f then 25f now) fell in love. We’ve known each other for 10 years and played airsoft together every weekend. I’ve always had a massive crush on him, there are pages and pages in my teenage diary about how much of a Prince Charming he was in my eyes. I was not age appropriate for him and he didn’t see me as viable until me needing his help at 22. The crush was unspoken and no grooming occurred, just a healthy “brothers friend” -> family friend -> helping me in a bad situation -> now. We are now dating.

With a bit of guidance and help starting therapy and medication, he is a 10/10 captain. (Im in therapy and on meds too, I practice what I preach). He gave me a safe place at his apartment to do school work, setting me up with snacks and coziness and made me feel like such a princess. He’s older than me by 5yr, wiser, went through everything I’ve been through and came out alive. Dominant in all the right ways. We moved in together when his rental situation got dicey. We cooked for each other, cuddled softly, he lead me through so much. I started favoring his ideas of moving to New England instead of the biggest city I could afford, for the first time I wanted kids and to wear a white princess dress down the aisle. He taught me so much about his passion/field, we would spend time off at art museums and historical sites and hiking, I felt soft and feminine to his broad and masculine. It healed my soul and I swallowed TRP.

His love and guidance and faith in me has enabled me to grow back into the shining star high achiever I used to be- and it emasculated him. Back on my bullshit.

My sex drive is through the roof and he struggled to keep up, I was the primary bread winner by 250%, I became in published author and authoritative source in my niche STEM field, I brought him with me to conferences I presented at to enjoy the 4 star hotels, and I was wining and dining him at the places he grew up going to with his Fortune 500 CEO parents.

Slowly, he became depressed, withdrawn, uninterested in sex, and felt like he wasn’t good enough. His job switched him from full time at the nearby location to part time seasonal 1.5 hours away. His field suddenly required a masters degree for lateral moves, so to work closer he had to jump down a pay grade. No more museum days or hiking trips, he works Thurs-Mon and I work Mon-Fri. He strayed from me with micro-cheating during this time. He sent D&D porn to his female coworkers to discuss and was sending messages to women on a sex forum to role play dominating them. None of this was physical or in real life and was quickly shut down, discussed, and couples therapy sorted it out.

He’s unhappy, I’m unhappy, we are able to communicate on the issue and draw back a bit on the lifestyle. He enrolls in a masters degree program and I stop feeding him answers during zoom interviews. I stop “having his career for him”. He gets a closer job related to his field, still at cut hours, and he perks up a bit.

My burnout finally hits me 3mo ago. I realize how much I was doing for him because I thought I needed to impress and keep him. He doesn’t want that, he wants me back as a partner like back when I was more reliant and needed to carry the load 50/50 or more in his favor. He likes the side of me when I was softer and offering to clean his leather boots instead of throwing money at him to just buy a new pair. I was now making him feel incompetent and like a charity case.

I had a medication side effect and had to change one prescription, it made me very depressed. The 50-65 hour work weeks (with a 5-8 hour side hustle) came to a head when someone’s power move at work resulted in me losing a recent raise. I spiraled. I got very sick. I lost my job. I now can’t get out of bed. Had to fix my original medication, my thyroid, and got diagnosed with PCOS.

PCOS comes with high testosterone- my blood work shows 95ng/dL in a normal reference range of 13-71. Based on my medical history and previous reported side effects, Doctor said that ever since puberty I’ve (likely) had higher than the acceptable range of testosterone for a woman. The increased stress from work raised it even more. In my interpretation of this information, there lies in why I emasculate men. I chemically am as close to one as a woman can unintentionally be.

I missed being my boyfriend’s soft girl, his first mate. I missed going to him for guidance. Ever since being bed ridden, he’s switched back into our old dynamic. We went on a picnic and sat by the water for hours. He’s paying for a majority of dates and bringing home surprises and gifts. He’s brushing my hair when it hurts to move.

Given that PCOS is a recent diagnosis for me, I haven’t started the treatment for it yet and it won’t be effective immediately. I am not asking for medical advice. How do I kill the masculinity in me? The male hormone drive has only led me to burnout and emasculating my partners, it isn’t even satisfying for me to achieve these goals I set because they’ve all been for external validation. When I’m healthy again and the time is right, I want to glow from pregnancy and homemaking instead of from a reflection from the gold in my bank account. I’d rather live a happy life with him in charge and me assisting.

How do I kill the masculine part of me?