Finally reached my breaking point

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2024-05-04T13:13:23+00:00

Don’t marry single moms unless you are ready to sacrifice your whole life.

James_Jimothy · 2024-05-03T01:55:42+00:00

The "plan" was to build an addition and/or some other construction

The plan or Her plan?

and my questions were "where is the money coming from?" And "when is this happening"

Good questions, but unfortunately these questions are irrelevant because of the power dynamic in place. She is doing the “planning” and you are not. She is in control and you are not. You are asking these questions from the backseat of a car someone else is driving.

Nobody really took into consideration my concerns of the home being at max budget, all with her mother's money and credit.

Your leverage is your ability say no and walk away. Let women get mad. By passively putting up with your girl and her family deciding whatever they wanted, you gave them the green light to railroad your understandable concerns.

I asked to be involved come to find out my [soon to be] wife didn't have a credit score eligible for a mortgage and told her mom to keep us off of it just in case "things didn't work out so he doesn't take anything"

“Asking to be involved” is passive and the mark of a pushover.

Moreover, your wife not having the credit for a mortgage is a massive red flag that screams "financial liability"

"so he doesn't take anything" is your wife having her own self-interest and self-protection in mind in a way you do not. It is time to put yourself (and your child) first.

Moving in (2022) was a disaster, and suddenly my life became controlled by her.

This is not sudden. The dominoes were lined up many months in advance as seen above. The power dynamic is such that she dictates and leads, you assent and follow. Now the stress of all those choices are piling up. That is why you are unfortunately cracking. Your continued consent to her taking the lead gave her the certainty to inevitably dictate this:

Going to the gym was a problem, working late was a problem, wanting to enjoy some pick up soccer with friends was a problem. The solution was "you need to be home and need to want to be home."

While sacrifices are understandable for a baby, when everything is a problem and you are never to have time this is called Betatization Through a 1000 Concessions

We just got a family car, and again her credit was so low she couldn't qualify so l decided to help thinking it was a stepping stone towards unity. Wrong.

Expecting gratitude from someone who continually displayed ingratitude is a covert contract and a recipe for failure. She does not respect you, only your utility to her. Read No More Mr. Nice Guy.

I didn't even get a thank you, instead got told not to move the mirrors on her car when I drive.

This is an unfortunate reflection of the power dynamic of your relationship.

All I get thrown in my face is how she gave me a baby and pays for everything (on credit cards) and there's no slowing down or accountability on finances....I took on her world in good faith and it's never enough.

While your allocation of personal time changes with the demands of a small baby, it is up to you as a family to discuss how to better manage time as a parents and individuals. What I sense is the opposite: she wants you to be around when she wants at her discretion (a gopher). If you work less to do more dad/family stuff, you need to cut expenses. If you need to work more to cover expenses (family car), then you come home later(you are out working).You can't have everything all the time. I would look for advice from new fathers on how to manage this, but the foundational power dynamic is likely exacerbating the stress here and now the hot potato of responsibility falls to you.

You were punished like nice guys are by anchoring yourself an irresponsible liability. (Biffrault's law)

Your first mistake was entering into a serious relationship with an older single mother. She was looking to get mated and found you. Her priorities are: herself, the other man’s child, her parents, her house, your resources, and then you. You are a utility and your output is insufficient. Pouring more energy won't work as she is operating with her interests in mind and not yours or even "ours" (as a family). She is the manager running the business of your relationship and you are an employee.

Understand that this was inevitable especially given the numerous red flags(financial instability and irresponsibility, intransigence).

Second, there is a a lot of passivity and a lack of assertiveness and leadership in your actions here which denotes a lack of self-protective instinct. You need to rewire the mental models that do not serve you.

I am sorry to say, but you set yourself up for failure by operating in your wife's frame. She steered the relationship car, picked the music, and you let her. You asked where are we going, she ignored you and you sat in silence. It’s good sign that you are fed up sitting in the backseat, but you put up with too much to come to that realization. The first step is taking responsibility for that. Next, check out the resources listed and seek mentorship from men who can help in person. I'd advise to start with what you can control, which is yourself. I am sorry that you are going through a difficult time.

Here are some resources I recommend- all of these you can find online or at a library.

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Happy Wife School

The Assertiveness Workbook

The Rational Male

The Daily Stoic

John Gottman's marriage books

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2024-05-02T18:17:48+00:00

it’s never enough.

You need to work more and make more money but also be at home more and do more child care

You need to spend more time with me and also give me more space

You need to make the house look better so we can keep with with friends/neighbors but i dont want you spending all this time on yard work

You need to spend more time with my family and MY friends but when it comes to yours we shouldn't be going to see them

You should desire me at all times but only act on it when I am receptive, also i wont tell you when that is and if you time things wrong youre just pestering me.

Once you realize you cant win you'll just stop giving a shit and things will onyl get worse. You can address it now (say we need counseling and change) from both of you if you have issues but 100% expct her to want to div you. I finally had a come to god moment with my spouse and once she realized i was bucking free with broken reigns she was making a plan to dip out. Without being able to control me she no longer wanted to stay married.

Moms_Sketti88 · 2024-05-02T13:53:45+00:00

Dude, same. Hung on for my daughter. We don’t get along, and I feel like we’re together for a matter of convenience. Couple that with her high conflict temper when things don’t go her way and her negligence with finances and adult responsibilities, it’s just a recipe for disaster. Trying to navigate divorce is tough. Honestly whole marriage has been hell, but the last two years have been the worst. She wants to “work it out”, well I’ve worked it out enough. I’m done and just want out.

Good luck to you, as some of your story is similar to mine, especially with family.

Title	Finally reached my breaking point
Author	EC2054
Upvotes	18
Comments	6
Date	May 2, 2024 11:25 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1cid7q9/finally_reached_my_breaking_point/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/finally-reached-my-breaking-point.1517123 https://theredarchive.com/post/1517123

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