So last night, I was going through my email addresses and stumbled across something strange.

On one of my email addresses it has saved sent emails from one of my stbxw’s email addresses that I used to have access to.

There wasn’t a whole lot there, but I did find evidence that for about an entire year before she officially left this time she was trying to find places to live.

She only did this by the way because our family home is across the street from my parents.

I’m certain if it wasn’t, she would’ve tried to take the house.

Anyway, it was also enlightening to see that, not only was she working in the background to blow the family up, but also she was emailing a counselor who she met through a marriage class we were taking (another attempt to fix me apparently).

It was a couple months before she left, and she said something to the effect “(OP me) wants to go to marriage counseling, but before I do that, I’d like to talk to you or somebody else”.

So you can see from that email that even the times that I tried to work on the marriage she had absolutely no intention of ever doing that in good faith.

My mom told me at one point “ she just doesn’t want to be married”.

I can see now that it’s true. She never had any intention on staying in this marriage unless she had complete control of 100% of everything…..

You would think that this would help me move along and maybe it will to some degree. But last night as I read some of those emails it depressed me.

I’m stuck in a really weird place because I know I’m not supposed to want things to fail for her….. but in a lot of ways I do.

She made so many stupid decisions during our marriage that we all had to absorb as a family.

Now that I don’t have to absorb all of her decisions (outside of whatever she’s trying to do to me in court) it’ll be interesting to see her blow up her life.

I know I’m not supposed to want revenge. I don’t think I do.

But is it really revenge when you know she’s going to self-destruct anyway?

I understand that I’m in the predicament. I’m in partially because of bad decisions I made.

I never cheated on her or anything like that, but I could’ve conducted myself differently.

She, on the other hand, has absolutely no ability to reflect on her own actions or take responsibility.

So now that she is doing this alone, I can only imagine how things will turn out for her.