Married 18 years. 47 years old.

2 kids.

I was fat.

I was angry.

I was miserable.

Mostly dead bedroom for nearly 8 years (no vaginal sex allowed). Partially her fear of getting pregnant again (because of her mental illness when she’s not on medicine). No, not even with a condom.

I was addicted to pornography. (The above is not an excuse.)

I was mostly a good dad but yelled too often.

Never physically or verbally abused her or the kids.

She was never happy. At least not with me.

To her, all of our problems were my fault.

Nothing I did was ever good enough.

I got the distinct feeling that everytime “we” worked on the relationship (marriage classes or counseling) she was only there to see if it would fix me.

I’m convinced she never thought she did anything wrong.

I’m also convinced that she never loved me. I’m not even sure she’s capable of love towards a romantic partner.

Apologies would only come if she did something egregiously wrong that was very obvious to anyone.

Anyway, she left last year.

No infidelity. She just framed me in her mind as worse than Hitler somehow.

Sure, I was a dick at times…..but so was she in her own way.

Nothing that I considered to be unfixable.

For the first couple months I was just angry and did an even deeper dive into pornography and food.

Then, after a couple months…..I had an experience with God.

I won’t go into the specifics, but he showed me who I had been.

I repented and he started working on building me back up.

I was incredibly grieved. All of those years of being told it was all my fault made me believe it.

I kept ruminating on the fact that she wouldn’t even talk to me and that I didn’t have a chance to “make things right”.

But then after sometime of growth God showed me the truth.

It wasn’t all my fault. She had a role that played into the destruction of the marriage too.

By the spirit of God I have done everything I can.

She wants nothing to do with reconciliation.

She will not turn to God (in my opinion).

I know that she has considerations when it comes to her mental illness and that she is heavily medicated for it.

So I try to have Grace towards her because I know God loves her too.

But sometimes it’s still difficult not to have resentment with the nonchalant way she acts over everything.

I have done so many things that I feel are correct for the sake of the kids.

But I have to be honest, it’s difficult sometimes.

I’m not sure where God is going to take me or what he really wants from me.

I now truly believe that, while he did not approve of her decision to leave, he allowed it.

I say this because I’m now 100 pounds lighter than I was last year at this time.

My relationships with almost every other member of my family are better to an infinite degree.

This goes especially for my two kids.

I don’t really struggle with pornography like I used to, as a matter of a fact, I truly believe there will be a day where it’s not even a factor…

I am slowly starting to realize how to manage my own mental issues naturally.

I don’t know why I’m posting all this.

I just thought maybe some of you could identify with the situation.

I refuse to believe that there’s no purpose in this.

I don’t know what God’s plan is for me, but I know that he’s revealing things one step at a time and that I just have to trust him.

If you’re reading this. Please do not give up.

As much as you may feel like things are at an end, I promise you that there is a plan for your life. You may not be able to see it yet.

I keep telling myself the same thing.