Hey everybody,

the seduction space can be a decent resource for men to gain the skills to attract women. But it also suffers from bravado and tough guy attitudes that are neither empathetic nor constructive (It also suffers from misogyny, but this is not relevant to the topic at hand). I want to give a perspective to those of you that struggle (chronically) with neediness and have no answers.

Often times there is no good advice given other than "Don't be so fucking needy" or "Get an abundance mindset". I think those miss the mark, because they don't really address the issue and they also put unnecessary blame on the person, in that they are not enough of a stoic man and need to suck it up, in addition to the feelings of inadequacy they likely already feel.

Understanding why you act the way you do is much more beneficial in the long run than to brute-force behaviour that isn't really you.

So anxious attachment style.
What this comes down to is that you form attachments very quick and very strong. You are willing to go above and beyond for your person of interest, shower them with affection, doing them favours, focus all your attention on them. Other people don't (necessarily) interest you anymore, you just want to tightly secure the bond to that special someone.
In turn though, you also need constant reassurances, constant proof that the other person is also interested in you, steady contact from them, so you know they're still thinking about you -> Neediness.

But when you don't get those reassurances anymore? Now your mind runs wild. Every little perceived threat to the bond that you want to secure so badly sends you into a panic. You are running through all those scenarios in your head. Why does she take so long to answer? Did she see someone else last time she went out? Why didn't she want to meet up that time? Why wouldn't she do me that small favour, when I pour my all into her?

You are left with that horrible pit in your stomach and those thoughts, that you can't stop. Often times this is the point at which you can't take it anymore and you reach out again (and again), in hopes that you get some signal back that calms your mind for the time being.

Do you recognize yourself in that description? Then likely you suffer from anxious attachment style.
And to be clear: If you do, then you are gonna be needy. It is important to realise, that your brain is wired that way and recognize that you exhibit those behaviours. Being aware of them is the first step in getting better.

It's not your fault either. There is always this notion that it's just lack of experience or lack of female attention that makes you feel anxious in your love interests. Fact is, your parents or caregivers likely messed you up when you were still very young. Typically such children were at times given attention and love, but at other times emotional coldness or punishment. So the child gets very confused how to interpret affection and how to reliably get positive emotional feedback. These children then grow up into adults, that are desperate to secure positive emotional feedback.

This is also why I'm not a huge fan of the abundance mindset as a solution. Sure, on the surface it makes sense, because you get different streams of attention, so should one run dry you have other options to entertain you. I see mainly two problems though:

  1. There is a chance you just don't want to casually date multiple people. If it's just not in your nature, this isn't really a path to happiness. Actively dating is good in the sense that you put in the "hours" and the work to become charismatic and learning how to be attractive initially. But if you mainly date around to find that one person, your problems will creep up again, which is essentially my second point.
  2. Abundance mindset doesn't solve your underlying issues. Even casually dating you will possibly catch feelings sooner or later, at the very latest when you want to start seriously dating someone you are right where you began.

Now the good news is: It is difficult but possible to become someone with a secure attachment style. In this I would encourage you to do your own research, as I am still myself on that journey.

Advice that I can give from personal experience though:

The worst thing is uncertainty, because every smidge of hope makes you desperate to secure the bond. So be very clear when communicating with the other person, even early on. After a hookup, the next day I always ask if she wants to stay in contact or not. And contact also means a certain commitment to meet up again, not just "Let's just text and figure it out from there". Nope, let's not. If that is the vibe I'm getting I will just leave it at that and can make a clear cut emotionally, before getting too invested.

Also early on I will just communicate my needs "Hey, you can tell I'm a very affectionate person. But I'm also someone that needs to get some attention back. I don't do well with long periods of not texting" etc. You get the idea. Be aware of who are, accept that you have these needs and be confident in expressing them!
People around here often times are blind to their own issues and want to put on an alpha mask around women. Fuck that, this is about your own sanity. Don't go crazy a few weeks down the road, because you didn't want to talk about your issues early on.
That doesn't mean go all trauma dumping on the girl, but just be an adult, be transparent so she is informed and however she takes it you come out of it with clarity and peace of mind.

Also Avoidant Attachment Style women will fuck you up. They can go from very lovey dovey to two days later just leaving you on read forever without any explanation. So just be aware.

I hope this was helpful. I think it's always nice to see that your bad experiences are shared amongst many other people and that it's not just you that is uniquely fucked in the head. Also having these issues doesn't make you a loser or less of a man, it just means you have particular needs. How you go about them defines you much more as a person than just having them.

With that, take care everybody!