What does it mean when people tell me that they can't see me getting married? I rather give "how are you still single?" vibes.

Wife_and_Mama · 2024-09-29T22:52:14+00:00

You get married and have kids by dating. Get on Hinge and go on a date. It doesn't have to be with your soul mate, and not just because those aren't real. It can be with a nice enough, but incompatible guy who will teach you a little about interacting with men. Then go on more dates. You'll get better at choosing and being around men with time, until you no longer need to get better at it, because you're married.

Doing this will, naturally, change the impression that you'll never get married. Don't worry about what people who aren't dating you think about your marriagability or whatever you want to call it. Just prove them wrong.

ArkNemesis00 · 2024-09-29T22:48:04+00:00

The vibes could be:

boss bitch (lack of soft femininity)
nun (lack of sex appeal)
cat spinster (avoidance/fear of masculinity)

If you're hearing this from long time friends and family, it could simply be that romantic relationships haven't been a part of your life for so long.

I might say something similar about one of my husband's peers. In his case, he has a male-dominated career and male-dominated hobbies, he's picky when it comes to dating, and he is extremely disagreeable.

InevitableKiwi5776 · 2024-09-30T00:49:01+00:00

Probably because you have never dated before. Why haven’t you ever had a relationship? Just not interested?

lovesheavyburden · 2024-09-30T08:06:30+00:00

I was a virgin until I was 30 — entered my first relationship at 33. I’m still with the same guy at 36. I am a chubby lady, but I’m working on my health, and most importantly, I’m working on my mental health.

For me, I learned slowly a few things. 1) I’m most likely autistic and have good making skills, but ND people tend to mature slower than their peers. This means that when my peers were starting to marry, I was just starting to date (of course I went on several awkward dates as a teen, but quickly became obsessed with a guy in my early 20s and didn’t move on from him until I was 27 or so… unfortunately we didn’t date. I was just obsessed because he showed me some attention). 2) I masked well because I have a lot of trauma and learned quickly how to mimic people and put on a mask to keep myself safe. I began working around the impact of all the trauma when I was 34, and it allowed me to see what behaviors I have that are trauma and what behaviors I have that are autism/adhd and how I mask them so I can learn to first unmask, then relearn new coping skills.

Between the ages of 24-30, I think the majority of my friends would have probably said the same thing of me—I’m not someone they would picture getting married. I think someone even said, “you’ll just have your cats for the rest of your life, and that’ll be enough for you”

Yeah, it hurts. I would make an amazing wife. I would make a brilliant mother. However, as unhelpful as that was at the time, I see what they were saying. I was fearful of relationships and being truly myself with someone else (I had enough rejection from friends, why would I want rejection from men too?) and I felt like areas of my life needed to be worked out first.

What I learned, though, is that my relationship now has given me a safe place to see where my fears are, and has given me someone to be vulnerable enough with that I could practice better coping skills without too much fear of rejection. It is hand in hand that my therapy and my relationship progressed… not first one then the other.

I think, though, that therapy is always a great place to start. I saw in a comment you are concerned about your weight… so is every other bigger girl. We are all unhappy with the weight, but you have tools in your toolbox to deal with that—workout, not to look better, but to learn how strong you are and how well your body can move, and affirm yourself as you are today. You learn how strong you can be, and you say to yourself in the mirror, wow, body, you sweat so much during that (workout, hike, jog etc) and your muscles kept it up after! I’m proud of how strong you are and I’m proud that you did something new. Once you begin to have confidence in the way your body moves, the more confident you will become in the way that you look.

Mental health, too, is so massively important for relationships. When you are a woman, especially one here in a more conservative environment and more conservative role, you have to know a few things—if you’re looking for a man who will guide you, you have to be able to be led. If you are looking for a man who will protect you, you have to learn how to be vulnerable. You cannot rise up to meet those needs yourself, you have to submit and know that those needs are for your man to provide for—you just have to give him a reason. Maybe you provide him an opportunity for fun and laughter. Maybe you provide him a space for vulnerability. A lot of problems with where we are as a society is that women have taken on a lot of the men’s responsibilities. I get it! I was there!

I planned the dates, I made the reservations, I did the thing for HIM but it got me nowhere. If you want a relationship where you will be the one leading for your whole relationship… go ahead and start that way. If you do not… let him lead. And that’s where our fear button gets hit—if I don’t plan it, he won’t see me again! Actually, if you do the things that you want to do—the things that you enjoy doing—he will see you having fun and he will say, I want that in my life. If you’re not begging him for attention, and you’re not waiting for him to do the thing you want to do… he’ll say, let me catch up with her! This means to date yourself while you are single.

Dating yourself to me is taking yourself out to dinner, going to a movie by yourself, going to museums, to parks, camping!! Whatever will bring you joy. Even in my current relationship, if my boyfriend can’t go with me, I’ll often still just take myself places. I’ll do the things I want to do and tell him about it later. I’m camping by myself this weekend! He hopes to join me tomorrow, but if he doesn’t that’s ok too. I know I’ll still enjoy myself.

The phrase you can’t love someone else until you love yourself is partly true… but loving yourself sometimes feels like a stretch. Like yourself. Learn how to be the best you that you can be—for you, not for anyone else—because then more people will notice you and will want to be like you.

Resources: Laura Doyle’s The Empowered Wife (book and podcast) has helped me a TON in my relationship (and my relationship with myself) Let’s Get Vulnerable (podcast) by Dr. Morgan Anderson she now has a book too The Gottman’s (anything by them!! Fantastic relationship advice) EMDR therapy (but start with a therapist if you don’t have one—I have been in therapy since 14 and I’m only now figuring out what works for me) Meetups, speed dating, and social groups were more promising for me for meeting someone who was more like me than apps alone.

Best wishes to you as you learn through this! Good on you for tackling the hardwork it requires to become the person you want to be (wife, mother, etc)

CountTheBees · 2024-09-30T02:22:36+00:00

Did you ask those people why they said that?

LateralThinker13 · 2024-09-30T21:05:49+00:00

I'm a big believer in the idea that people tend to tell on themselves. So let's look at your post, shall we?

Perhaps I've gotten too used to being alone

I guarantee you have.

somehow I'm exuding "strong independent woman who don't need no man."

It's not that you exude this. Feminists who give off bossbabe vibes are actively repelling men. But there's a lesser version of the competent woman who simply doesn't ask for, or reach out to, other men. Maybe think "self-sufficient" vibes. You might tell a man you are interested in him, but never "drop a handkerchief" as a hint because if you drop something, you'd just pick it back up, right?

I really want to get married and have kids.

If you want this, develop the skills, attitude, and demeanor that supports it. Lean into femininity. Homecrafts. Cooking. Dress appropriately. When you think of what a married woman looks like, what do you envision? A chick in a business suit and a bun, or a slighly overweight, long-haired, smiling woman in a sundress?

Fake it til you make it isn't just for business or hobbies.

Should I be trying to date even if I'm not happy with the way I look?

There's "not being happy" with your looks, and then there's "acknowledging you have work to do AND being proud that you're doing it." Find a way to be in the second group; because if you don't love you, people can tell and will follow your lead.

After all, if you don't love you, why would I? You'd know better than I would if you're loveable. You're self-selecting yourself right out of relationships with that attitude.

I have been overweight for most of this time and even though I could probably get someone, I don't want to feel like my SO is settling for me.

That assumes that your weight/appearance are the only reasons a man would want to date you. Sure, they are a big factor initially, to get you in the door. But that's your SMV. Your RMV, assuming you put in the work, is what takes up the slack as your SMV decreases over time. This is why so many young hotties party in their 20s and then hit The Wall; they have nothing BUT their youth and looks to bring to the table, and when they hit the wall and those aren't what they used to be, they have nothing left to offer. In other words, you can coast on your SMV but you'll crash-land if you aren't building your RMV to compensate with skills and traits like homemaking, nurturing, and parenting skills.

Look, let me give you a personal example. My wife was 25 when we married. Young, fit, and marginally overweight. SMV of about 7, boosted by a very agreeable nature and an eclectic spread of skills. Today at 33, swollen and pregnant in second trimester with our second, her SMV is honestly around a 4. But her RMV is a 9. She's supportive, considerate, doesn't nag or abuse, is thoughtful and positive and loving and cooks wonderfully and is DTF more than I am. She's a wonderful partner even if there are plenty of younger and hotter girls out there, some of whom I've had in my past. But I would not trade her (and she never really hit the Wall) because she's constantly doing things to boost her value to our relationship and to/for me. I cherish that she's with me; her looks are irrelevant. That said, with love goggles she's still a 7 to me even pregnancy-bloated as she is.

Find a way to a) bring plenty to the table besides looks, and b) to make that apparent to the men you meet. That means work on your voice, wardrobe, skills, demeanor, conversation, etc. Or don't. It's all on you. You're already here, in RPW; you have the tools to make it work.

Most women just aren't willing to put in the work - or take responsibility for it. But they're ready to blame others. So prove me wrong. Oh, and if you want an example of this?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTnkk0KDhUU

No-Diamond1824 · 2024-10-01T11:04:50+00:00

Is coz u behave like dont need a man. Either through subconciouly ur sarcasm and meaness dialed up...or, you cannot receive and dont know how to ask for stuff.

Men need a role in ur life and you need to create that cozy void for them to settle in. Doing thingsfor you. Is okay to be weak.

AutoModerator · 2024-09-29T22:23:47+00:00

Title: What does it mean when people tell me that they can't see me getting married? I rather give "how are you still single?" vibes.

Author boomershoe

Full text: I really need some advice. I'm 27 and hearing that is honestly very concerning. To be clear, I'm a virgin and have never been in a relationship so I think maybe it stems from that. Perhaps I've gotten too used to being alone and somehow I'm exuding "strong independent woman who don't need no man." How do I change this? I really want to get married and have kids.

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TheBunk_TB · 2024-09-30T14:07:24+00:00

Is there a chance that people have seen you be too lippy around various men?

Jenneapolis · 2024-09-30T16:36:30+00:00

I think this is most often said to women who are not agreeable or compromising.

No-Diamond1824 · 2024-10-01T11:07:09+00:00

Learn to ask for helo. Be lazy. Let men do things for you. Receive and say thank u

Title	What does it mean when people tell me that they can't see me getting married? I rather give "how are you still single?" vibes.
Author	boomershoe
Upvotes	15
Comments	22
Date	September 29, 2024 10:23 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1fsggih/what_does_it_mean_when_people_tell_me_that_they/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/what-does-it-mean-when-people-tell-me-that-they.1531510 https://theredarchive.com/post/1531510

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