Third attempt....

Exhausted and Feeling Trapped in My Marriage – Is This Normal?

Hey everyone,

I’m here because I need some outside perspective. I’ve been married for over 15 years, and I feel like I’m running on empty. My wife is a stay-at-home mom, and we have three kids who are all school-aged (10+). I’m the sole breadwinner and work long hours to provide for our family, but I also find myself doing the majority of the housework and parenting duties. She takes them to school most mornings because I start work early, but beyond that, I’m the one cleaning, cooking, and helping the kids with everything.

Meanwhile, my wife refuses to get a job or go back to school, despite me encouraging her to do so. She spends most of her time at the gym or having brunch with her friends. She doesn’t really take care of the house—she rarely cooks or cleans—and doesn’t do much to teach or guide the kids either.

On top of that, she spends money without any regard for costs and hasn’t handled any finances our whole marriage (we married young). She also bad-mouths me to her friends, accusing me of being a “narcissistic asshole.” I’ve caught wind of her saying things that really hurt, and it feels like she’s actively sabotaging my reputation.

The relationship feels incredibly controlling. She tracks my location through my iPhone and doesn’t want me speaking to women at all—whether they’re attractive or not. I’m supposed to meet all of her expectations, including being a “good God-fearing husband,” even though she knows I’m struggling with my feelings about religion and the church (we are in a religious family and community).

I’m just exhausted. I’ve given up so much of myself to try to keep things afloat, but it feels like nothing I do is ever enough. I also nearly never have any time to myself (she doesn’t understand that I would need that) and there’s no support for me to have my own life.

I’ve stayed in this marriage for my kids’ sake -She served me divorce papers 6 months ago, and badmouthed me to our kids, but it was all a ploy to make me conform to her demands. A very expensive and traumatic ploy. The kids were deeply affected and so eventually complied to her demands for their sake.

I can’t help but wonder if I’m setting a bad example for them. They see how much I’m doing and how little I’m appreciated. I don’t want them to think this is what a healthy marriage looks like.

At this point, I don’t even know what “normal” is anymore. Is this just how marriage goes when you’ve been in it this long? Or is this as toxic as it feels?

I guess what I’m asking is:

•    Is her behavior emotionally anbusive? Does anyone here have insight (how do u measure that) or in a similar situation?

•    How did you decide whether to stay or leave? What about the kids?

•    Am I wrong for feeling like this situation is unsustainable?

Honestly, I don’t even know if I’m depressed, burned out, or just stuck in a bad situation. Any advice or insights would mean a lot.

Thanks for reading.