TLDR: Understanding is great but it won’t help you long term. You aren’t alone, and it is about her psyche/childhood and not what you did.

I know this may not apply to everyone, but here it goes: You are hurt. I understand. A lot of us do. Let’s see if this applies to your situation. Your ex or STBX was a great girl. She was beautiful and kind. Almost like she didn’t know how beautiful she really was. Like you hit the lottery. A good, moral girl. But over time you noticed that she had trouble with intimacy. You knew she had a troubled family of origin but you overlooked it because you were so enamored and maybe even lustful. She hit midlife and started acting strange.

Then she asked for a divorce. Maybe you knew about an affair at the time or maybe you learned about it later. It was totally out of character for her. You are so hurt because you became so dependent upon her love and approval. You thought you could trust her. You gave your complete confidence. It feels like a complete betrayal, and it seems like some alien has possessed the girl you once knew.

I guarantee you as time passes, you will realize how ridiculous the situation really is. It’s really all about what’s going on within her own mind and soul and not really about you at all. Although at first you took it very personally because of course it feels very personal, but really it has nothing to do with you or your failings. Maybe you could have behaved better and prevented it, but probably not. ITS MIDLIFE CRISIS. You are now reaping the downside of all the great things she first made you feel. It’s not really her fault either. Her parents were likely addicts, abusers, neglecters, or abandoners, right? Try to give her some grace. Not that her decisions weren’t her own. She has to own those, but she truly doesn’t even understand why she is doing what she does. It’s really that her tormented inner child has grabbed the steering wheel.

Most important of all is that you will slowly realize that analyzing all of her behavior and the situation in general isn’t really helping you. Yes, it helps to have a logical grasp of the facts,as a man, but slowly you learn that logic isn’t all there is. The more you dwell and contemplate you find that your emotions still remain in torment. What helps? I promise, the more you focus on yourself that tightness in you chest will release. She did ridiculous shit. She said things that made no sense. You didn’t. You reacted the way a normal, committed spouse would. You cried. You begged. You said something like, “why? Why are you doing this?”. That’s a normal reaction. You couldn’t believe this would be your story. But now it is. Take comfort in the fact that you are normal. She isn’t. It isn’t her fault that her parents didn’t know how to be less selfish. Pick yourself up. Give yourself time. It will take a year or more.

Maybe one day she will apologize or ask you to take her back. If that happens, then that’s up to you, but as long as that is what you wish for, you haven’t really moved on. Thats the part of you that still loves her. You have to let it go. You have to accept that she is no longer the girl you knew. Maybe she comes back, maybe not. In the meanwhile, what are you gonna do?