Kids’ understanding

BatGuano52 · 2025-06-07T14:44:52+00:00

You tell them that you and your wife are getting divorced.

You tell them that it has nothing at all to do with them, and that you and your wife love them very much and always will.

You remind them that they will always have a mom and a dad, just because you and your wife don't live together anymore doesn't mean one is going away.

Beyond that, you don't say a word about anything related to the actual divorce - court dates, mediation, agreements, finances, etc. Not a word.

The judge in the court I'm going through has a standing rule that the parents don't say anything bad about the other in front of the kids. You can go to the bar after work and vent to your friends all you want.

As far as the kids thinking they did something to cause it, I have a friend/coworker whose parents divorced and he said that they will think that no matter what and how often you tell them.

They'll always wonder if they did something.

Keep in mind, too, that the kids especially the younger one, will intuitively understand, and if they have friends whose parents got divorced, it will help.

But, they don't necessarily fully grasp it.

I told my son about the divorce while I was waiting for my ex to be served, so he knew from the outset, and we had neighbors with kids he was friends with who got divorced, so he knew it meant going back and forth between houses.

But, months later, he still occasionally asks why me and his mom can't live together, and why we can't be a family, anymore.

I wish you the best with it.

First-Sail8421 · 2025-06-05T21:59:53+00:00

Tell them. Control the narrative.

HistoricalRich280 · 2025-06-05T14:52:35+00:00

Wait, what are they going to hear in court, and why?

Is it typical for kids to be in court? I would do everything humanly possible for that to not happen

Ok-Cause1108 · 2025-06-05T13:31:12+00:00

You are both 50/50 to blame. You may assume that an incident or an affair was the cause of the divorce but the romantic relationship was dead well before that. No reason to throw one party under the bus.

The divorce will rock your kids' world. Their lives are about to be blown up. Keep them out of the divorce. Trying to explain it to them or to assign blame is a tactic to relieve you of guilt and to protect your ego, not to benefit them in any way. You and your spouse already fucked them over, don't fuck them over again to try and make yourselves feel better.

In the future once the divorce is well in the past and you have forgiven, healed, and accepted what really happened then it is fine to talk about it with them honestly IF they ever approach you and ask.

It is going to be a bumpy ride as everyone adjusts to the new normal. You will make plenty of mistakes. This is the first time you have been through this so give yourself plenty of grace when you fuck up. Likewise give your ex plenty of grace when she fucks up too.

healthyapart · 2025-06-05T07:33:32+00:00

Man, I was right where you are last summer. My son was 8 too. Separation was looming, and I had that same pit in my stomach. I was worried about what this would do to him, overwhelmed by guilt, and honestly, spinning with a hundred questions I didn’t even want to admit out loud.

Here’s what I learned the hard way, and what I’d tell any dad standing on the edge of this:

⸻

Keep It Simple and Safe

You don’t need to explain the whole situation, and trust me, you probably shouldn’t. I wanted so badly for my son to understand why this was happening, maybe so he wouldn’t think badly of me, or be confused by anything he might hear later. But what he needed most was to feel safe and loved.

What worked for me was saying something like:

“Mom and I have decided we won’t be living together anymore. This isn’t because of anything you did. We both love you so much, and that will never, ever change.”

That message: “you’re safe, you’re loved, this isn’t your fault” just needs to be on repeat. That’s what they cling to.

⸻

Let the Court Stuff Be for Grown-Ups

I had that urge too, to explain things before my kid heard some twisted version of it elsewhere. But honestly, trying to shape the narrative or defend yourself just pulls them into stuff they don’t have the tools to carry. I had to remind myself that my job is to protect his world, not explain mine.

Instead of preempting anything, I just told him:

“If you ever hear something that confuses or upsets you, I hope you’ll come to me. I’ll always be honest with you in a way that’s right for your age.”

⸻

Don’t Make Them Feel Like They Have to Choose

Even with the best intentions, it’s so easy to fall into the trap of trying to be the “safe parent” or the “honest one.” But that can backfire, especially with older kids. My son didn’t need to hear who was more right. He needed to know he wasn’t stuck in the middle.

I told him:

“You don’t have to take sides. You get to love both of us. This isn’t something you need to fix.”

That took pressure off him. He didn’t need to be our referee. He just needed to be a kid.

⸻

The Guilt Is Real, But Don’t Let It Spill on Them

Man, I felt like I was breaking something sacred. Like the family I was supposed to protect had fallen apart on my watch. But I learned pretty quickly that my guilt doesn’t help him. What helps is showing up. Being steady. Being present.

I kept reminding him:

“This isn’t the life we planned, but we’re still a family. I’ll always be your dad, and I’ll always be here.”

⸻

Get Help, For Them and For You

I got my son a few sessions with a child therapist, just to give him a safe place to talk that wasn’t me or his mom. Best move I made. It gave him an outlet, and it gave me peace of mind knowing he had someone to help him process what I couldn’t.

And yeah, therapy helped me too. Don’t be afraid to find your own support.

⸻

Bottom line: You’re not going to get everything right. But if your kids know they’re safe, loved, and not at fault, you’re already giving them what they need most.

If you ever want to talk dad-to-dad, I’m here. You’re not alone in this.

Title	Kids’ understanding
Author	Melodic-Lie-7009
Upvotes	8
Comments	11
Date	June 5, 2025 6:25 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1l3s6fp/kids_understanding/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/kids-understanding.1553951 https://theredarchive.com/post/1553951

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