I am someone who has had successful cold approaches lead to sexual relationships—yet I still struggle with approach anxiety. I know I am not alone here (side note, but I don’t think the anxiety bit ever goes away—it’s more about how you interpret or relate to that anxious energy, how you harness it rather than letting it harness you).

This sub helps, but one thing it could improve to serve us better is demystify the cold approach.

Hopefully I can help with that in some meaningful way.

Now, we are all at varying levels of self-esteem, but I’m going to assume you are already at a level where you can conceive of the idea of you actually cold approaching a woman—that is, you’re willing to try, and you’re willing to get rejected. If that still sounds light-years away for you, then there might be some inner game you need to iron out before this applies. It could still help with your mindset, however, so stick around.

-- #1 Adjust Your Focus: It’s Not That Serious --

If you are approaching a woman whom you might ask out in the next 5-10 minutes, chances are you are in your head. You are thinking “please validate me”, “please don’t reject me”, or, to yourself “please don’t mess up”, “please look good/normal/attractive enough”. Having self-awareness is important, BUT—

—this is not helping.

Get in HER head instead.

Focus on what she might be thinking. Not about you, in terms of how YOU see yourself. But about herself, in this situation. What do you think is going through her head?

“Oh my gosh, this guy is asking me out. I don’t know what to do. Do I say yes?”
“He’s kind of cute. Do I look okay? I hope I’m not being weird.”
“Wow, guys never ask me out. I appreciate how he’s being direct without being pushy.”

This takes the focus off of your inner world and puts it on hers. She has all the same anxious thoughts, too, man. You were just too wrapped up in your own world to notice.

-- #2 She Wants What You Want --

Guess what?

She WANTS you to be the guy (unless she’s gay—Happy Pride Month!). The guy of her dreams, the guy who will sweep her off her feet. She is not some infernal arbiter of the League of Rejections. She is hoping you will be interesting, will treat her well, respect her boundaries, and form a boundless emotional connection with her.

We’re on the same team here.

If you’re stuck on- *I’m too short / I’m too old / I’m too skinny / I’m too fat -*then you’ve already lost the sauce.

Self-improvement is important—BUT—we all have imperfections we must come to terms with. You’re not getting any taller. Accept that. You will date from the pool of women who don’t care about your height (yes, they exist, and there are plenty of them) and you will ignore the ones who do care. Why would you want to date someone who holds some shallow, genetic trait out of your control against you, anyway? This sounds like a pitiful person to want to connect with.

If you are content with yourself, she will see that, and it will shine through in your actions and in your words.

You want her to be THE girl, don't you? That's why you're asking her out—to find out if she is.

Likewise, she is hoping you are THE guy. So stop disqualifying yourself before you even find out if you are.

-- #3 Honesty & Intentionality --

Now we’re getting somewhere.

Part of being content with yourself is knowing what you are after and being honest about that.

I don’t care where this woman is—the bar, the street, the grocery store, the bookstore—you are cold approaching her for one reason and one reason alone: you find her physically attractive.

And that’s okay. That’s all you know about her. That’s enough of a reason to want to get to know her better.

And you can be honest about that.

Try this:

“Hey, excuse me. I just wanted to say I think you’re cute and I’d like to get to know you better. Let's go out sometime.”

It is literally that simple.

After that, the ball’s in her court. She might reject you, and then it’s over. She might be impressed with your boldness and willingness to play your cards and show your hand, and take you up on it. Or any possible reaction in between yes and no, leaning toward one end or the other, might occur. Be curious and courageous enough to find out. Rejection is growth, and acceptance is your growth bearing fruit, the fruit of your labors.

You might have business cards or pen and paper on hand to slip her your number at the end of your interaction to let her think about it. Some women don’t give their number right out to strangers and would rather engage in forensic internet research to make sure you aren’t a wanted serial killer. So let her. One woman took 4 days to finally text me, and we still ended up fucking for a couple of months. Believe me when I say I was disheartened and defeated in those days leading up to her text, even though I was proud I had done it. It’s okay to feel things; that’s how you learn to deal with discomfort.

Now, you may be thinking “this is shallow”, that she’ll think you’re just looking to fuck. That you’ll be instantly, woefully embarrassed beyond repair and unceremoniously exiled from the venue/city/country/world. But I am telling you, it’s not like that. Do not let your catastrophizing mind run with these absurd fantasies. Center yourself.

HERE’S why this works, even though it sounds stupidly simple, bordering on too good to be true:

When you tell her “I think you’re cute”, and “I want to know more about you”, and you do it in such a bold way as a cold approach, you are:

  1. Taking a step towards the life you want to have (intentionality)
  2. Saying subconsciously “it’s okay to reject me, I can take it” (bravery) → (and even if you feel HORRIBLE from the rejection, IT IS STILL BRAVERY! That’s because bravery is not the absence of fear, it is feeling the fear and doing it anyway. It is not contingent on achieving the goal, but on having taken the action.)
  3. Telling her exactly how you feel and what you want (honesty, intentionality)

You are communicating all of this to her without actually saying it.

You are not asking for approval.
This is not a test of your worth.
It is an offer of the gift of your attention.

Even if you get rejected, you still took a step towards the life you want to have.

And that’s living an honest life.

Here’s a brief rundown in case I have not made it clear:

  • Did she accept you? → Awesome!
  • Did she reject you? → That’s okay. Remain steadfast and strong, learn from your mistakes, and get back out there.

Which brings me to…

-- #4 Seduction/Pickup Gatekeeping --

Some guys here have been through hell and back just to finally have success with women. They read every dating manual, they rehearsed every potential interaction dozens of times to make sure they had it just right, and they spent grueling years getting to where they are now.

And they feel invalidated when someone says pickup can be simple.

It’s fine. Let them feel that way.

They gatekeep and they tell you it’s more complicated than it seems, and they tell you you have to suffer just like they did before you can have success, surely that must be true since that’s how their journey panned out, right?

Do not listen to them. They may have success, but they still have an issue with humility (a lack thereof, rather). It’s like the older folks who get upset when technological advancements make life easier for newer generations. “Back in my day we had to walk 8 miles through the snow naked to get to school! Now you guys have a heated horse carriage?? You youngun’s have gotten soft!” followed by an army of ellipses or whatever the hell key they forgot to release.

This is what they sound like. Do not listen to them. Good people want you to succeed and good people are relieved for you that it’s not as difficult anymore as it was for them.

Besides, half of these folks are just trying to sell you their absurdly-priced eBook or eCourse on the topic anyway, and with the amount of great advice freely available online, it’s really not necessary to purchase ONE person’s material—not to mention someone who doesn’t even have a proven track record! If you’re going to buy something, buy Models by Mark Manson. That’s all you need.

My point is this: you CAN do this, and you can do it tomorrow if you want to. Trial and error is a perfectly acceptable way of learning; in fact, it’s probably the best and fastest way. You want to learn theory? Fine. But balance it out with actual experience, otherwise it’s worth nothing.

Thanks for reading.

Now get out there!