So, in this mess I am in, it's given me time to reflect. And how painful it would have been no matter which way I go.

I had a rough childhood. Not abusive, but rough in other ways. My father started working more and more out of town because he couldn't stand being with my mother. He was one of those "stay at home for the kids" type. Later on, he has told me he regretted it. He's since found someone that makes him happy.

My mother was a manipulative woman. She only kept you close if she had a benefit. She tried running my father's finances into the ground. She was vindictive and I knew everything. She disowned me and we hadn't spoke for 20+ years. She died alone and penniless.

Because of my upbringing, I never wanted to get married or have kids. I didn't want to ruin another kid if it were to fall apart.

I was wrong. And right. Ever since my first was born, I couldn't imagine not being a father. And I also couldn't imagine not being married and having kids, because in my young mind, who does that?

But here I am. Almost divorced. Dealing with various painful feelings from each kid. Dealing with my own when I can.

I can't help but feel like I should have done more, but I already felt stretched thin enough. I can't help but feel like I failed them because of the pain they go through. It's lessened in the time since it all began, but it's still there.

But then again, they are there and they are happy with me. I live for those moments where they say they love me. The hugs. The laughs. Hell, even the tears. Because they come to me for all of those.

I may have failed the marriage, because some marriages are just destined to fail in my opinion, but I haven't failed them. Then I think about it and I didn't fail the marriage. I stayed. I was loyal. I fought for it.

But even though it failed, it made me a better man. A better father. And even though it hurts to deal with, I would do it again and again. For them.

Just a thought I needed to get out there. A scream into the void of the internet if you wish. I just hope it helps someone along the way.