(Question at the bottom about those that have new relationships after divorce)

During separation, likely headed to divorce, I thought I’d have one last good Mother’s Day with me in the house that I could more easily direct the kids to do things for her and hang out as a family. She was still upset from the night before when I brainstormed how she could pay some of her debts without paying them for her.

Today I got the kids up, we brought her breakfast in bed including chocolate covered strawberries, set up playing video games as a family because my stbxw actually likes to, set up going to a rage room for us all to smash stuff, and ended the day with dinner out. (I’m not setting up anymore days or holidays like this and next year’s will be minimal with me having the kids give her something.)

With one of the kids having a hard time and wanting to change before dinner, my stbxw got upset/triggered that the day couldn’t have been completely about what she wanted. (Which she has done a few times on Mother’s Days in the past) She later apologized to our daughter, which I had already spoken to the kids by this point.

Somewhere in there one-on-one, she told me that it was my fault because I didn’t show the kids how to show up and appreciate her and do everything for her. Which I understand is said in anger, but, c’mon, I know it’s not accurate and she knows it too. She even thanked me for today toward the end of the night.

Where is the accountability of emotions on her end? If I always made things so emotionally unsafe and invalidating, where is the accountability in her not leading with emotions so we can talk about those versus attacking my actions as her fact. I understand in a healthy relationship that there needs to be some give and take on both sides, but that only seems to be take from her.

For the guys that have had successful relationships with new women (or multiple women over the process of finding someone), how has the communication been regarding “validation” and either talking directly about feelings or still trying to decipher them while not getting defensive?