A month and a half ago my wife said she needed to separate. We’ve been together 16 years and have 3 kids. She says she’s needs emotional safety and to find what she wants in life. I admit I haven’t validated her without getting defensive, which her accusing and attacked my actions brought out in me.

I’ve tried to take on more house responsibilities and validate as best as I can, knowing that it’s not going to definitely fix things or build trust in her immediately. I’m trying to become outcome independent and prepare myself for divorce, but it’s extremely difficult.

As a lot of you have experienced, after years of at least trying to keep the peace and give all of myself to her (in the way I thought I needed to) and this family, it’s impossible for me to get my mind off of the end of our marriage and what splitting the family into multiple houses will do. I’ve had some good days and weeks, but my limbic system is still all jacked up and I’m losing sleep and my appetite is not fully back yet.

I’ve set up a weekly therapy session for myself (wife and kids have individual sessions too), I’m going out weekly with friends to do trivia now, intermittent karaoke/misc nights, and I have a friend here locally that I’ve confided in that’s gone through divorce too. Otherwise only a handful of people and our kids know right now.

I am discovering more of the needs of mine that were not met and how incompatible we were in areas. It’s just the “what if’s”, feeling like I failed, and concern for how to balance things for the kids keep playing over and over in my mind.

We’re 1 month into our 6 month separation and she seems pretty set on divorce. We’re not dating others right now but it sounds like that’s how she sees fixing her validation issues after divorce is to try and get it from other people since I’m not a safe place. Which even her therapist is against that it sounds like. But she sees how other women are treated or want to be treated on social media and whatever resonates with her she locks onto, if even short term/emotionally.

Since she doesn’t have many close friends or support nearby, I’m already thinking of things like her needing my help to move into a new place. Whatever that looks like for our living situations down the line. Luckily the kids are in middle school and older, but not seeing them every day and constantly needing to communicate with her after this to be involved with them sounds exhausting.

I’m looking for any general advice to help me out.