I want to preface by saying that my bf has so many amazing qualities, and I really do love him. He’s a wonderful leader who’s super competent at what he does. He has both emotional intelligence and integrity. I never worry about him being unfaithful. Just to name a few things.

His biggest weakness (we all have them ofc) is that he struggles with his mental health. He’s had intense anxiety and depression since he was a child. Nobody else but me would really know, because he hides it incredibly well. But he struggles, and right now, he’s going through an especially difficult time. And when that happens, he can get really, really mean.

Whenever he’s in crisis, he ends up telling me that I’m terrible at supporting him. The dynamic goes something like this. He’ll say things like, “make me feel loved” or “just give me your support”—typically while I’m in the middle of trying to do something supportive (ex: make him tea, cuddle him, etc.) in a tone that tells me he’s dissatisfied with what I’m doing. I’ll tell him I want to support him, and ask him what would he like me to do, what would make him feel loved, etc. And he won’t tell me. He just repeats the initial demand and gets increasingly frustrated with me and increasingly derisive of my ability or willingness to support him. If I just try things experimentally to see what helps, but get it wrong (which I almost always do), he berates me for not being supportive. If I ask for more specifics on what would help, he gets frustrated and tells me I need to just figure it out.

At a certain point, I get frustrated (how am I supposed to know what would help him if even he has no idea) and I go to another room to regulate myself. Which makes him feel abandoned, and triggers a massive fight, where he often gets incredibly cruel (I get lots wrong too; it just usually looks a little different). Just as an example, in our last fight, he openly mocked my ability to support anyone in general and told me he could do much better than me. Bear in mind too that I’d abandoned my own plans earlier that day in order to spend it with him while he worked in order to support him.

He isn’t usually like this. These are his worst moments. And I’m bad in lots of ways too; like, I would never say he’s an overall worse person or worse partner than me. But I’m asking myself if I can deal with the cruelty, just practically speaking. The comments he makes in these moments, which happen a handful of times each year, have really affected my sense of self worth over the years and leave me wondering if there’s something deeply wrong with me for weeks, sometimes months. And it all comes back every time he does it again.

So I’m wondering whether I can make this work long term. And he’s wondering too—he is thinking about breaking up with me for my inability to support him.

I know in some ways this isn’t necessarily RP specific, but we have agreed that he leads in our relationship, and I always appreciate this community’s level headed and nuanced approach to giving advice in complicated situations. If any of you have advice or perspective for me on this, I would really appreciate it. I feel very lost right now.

Also, we are in couple’s counseling at the moment. Our next appointment is in a few days. So I’d also be really grateful for any thoughts on how to approach this issue in therapy.

TLDR: I’m struggling to support my bf when he’s in crisis. He doesn’t seem to know what would help him, and my own instincts about what could help seem to be all wrong. He gets really mean when this happens, and neither of us know how to move forward.