If you’re new to divorce I just want to throw a post of the few weapons your spouse has to use against you. Laws differ by state and country but these are pretty universal. When going into a divorce hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

The weapons are character, children, administrative.

  1. CHARACTER: The Silver Bullet strategy is a very common divorce strategy used against men. It has three uses. One divorce is a huge decision that fundamentally changes the family often for the worse. This strategy allows them to be ok with the decision and to a larger degree sell the reason for the divorce to extended family and friends. It allows for Temporary Restraining Orders that set a preliminary custody schedule that favors them. It moves the battleground completely to your side of the field. They get to start at twenty yards from the goal. It has many advantages to them on an emotional and financial level that it is pretty normal.

  2. CHILDREN: are often used as a weapon in divorce. Mainly it revolves around custody and child support. This involves trying to pull them in to take sides, alienation, and using any kind of custody agreement for more child support or to retain child support.

  3. ADMINISTRATIVE: this is the use of discovery to harass you and frustrate you to make you break and negotiate on their terms. In all fairness their lawyer has to know everything but they will still weaponize it as a strategy.

All of these can be dealt with.

  1. Silver Bullet Strategy…ignore it. Do not feed it. Remember that a final hearing is a Tuesday for the judge even though it’s your life. The judge will be thinking about what’s for lunch and not reading pages of texts. Deny everything, admit nothing, demand proof. Inform your family and friends before things get to this stage that it is likely to happen. It happens to many men and almost none expect it. You won’t expect it. Just let the court handle it. From my experience it will get dropped quickly if they don’t have proof and it’s just a lie. If they try and file a TRO then just calmly fight it in court. An early setback is not the end of the world. The court will see through it sooner than later. The courts see it all of the time for both valid and invalid reasons. Remember it’s just a Tuesday for them.

Children: depending on the ages be open and honest with your kids. Tell them what is going on. Explain what your goals are and what you want to happen. Communicate. Do not trash the other parent. Third party your communication…act as if you are coach. Don’t talk as a party to a divorce talk as a third party coach. You’re coaching them for their future experiences in real time and they need to learn how to handle these situations. Don’t explain the other spouse explain yourself. Use “I” and not “her”. Everything is I. “I just want to spend as much time with you as possible”. They will understand better if you explain your goals. Remind them that the outcome will be that they are loved and taken care of and that you two just need to work out the best way for that to happen. If the other parent says something that is weaponizing then call it out. “That is wrong. I am not trying to make your mom homeless. I want her to have the best living situation possible, but that’s not up to me it’s up to her and the judge that will decide what’s fair”. Everything comes back to “a judge will decide what’s fair, “I want only what’s fair for both of us”. Kids understand fair.

Discovery: it needs to get done. Separate it into what has to be submitted to get it over with and what is nonsense to create more work for you. Put in effort but don’t spend hours looking for stuff. I went through one divorce where my lawyer objected to most documents and it died there. Another divorce my lawyer was more like just give it all to them because you’ll spend more money on me trying to filter. It’s a huge milestone towards getting the divorce done. In my opinion after discovery you’re over the hill and on the downside. Don’t take it personal it’s just strategic.

Most states are now 50/50 custody and no fault. Assets are a 50/50 split and so is debt. You are free to argue assets that were sole ownership before the marriage. It’s not the norm to feel like you won after a divorce is finalized. Both people lose and only the lawyers walk away with a win. Don’t spend legal fees arguing outside of 50/50 on custody and assets unless you have a very valid reason. Kids need both parents.

Final advice: try to get equity done as a lump sum up front even if it’s on payments. Don’t underestimate the power of a “go away” check. A contentious divorce is likely to cost both sides north of $50k. Writing a check for $25k early on is the right math even if your emotions tell you otherwise.

In the end you’re paying her to go away anyways. Don’t spend $50k to get there and the “go away” check on top of that.

Whatever you do stay away from lawyers that make promises and are fast to navigate toward conflict. You’re being played. Your best outcome is the standard outcome 50/50 on assets and custody and the higher earner paying child support. If your state allows it push for differential child support. What you would pay vs what she would pay gets paid to the lower income person.

Be ok with paying child support. Take it as a point of pride that you’re so good at being a father that you can help protect them even at the other house. That’s the only way that you can protect them when they are away from you. It’s a safety net for your kids no matter what she does with it. Be proud that you are the giver and not the taker.