How am I supposed to be a good wife when my husband isn't home?

wendy-fly · 2014-02-14T20:42:45+00:00

Specific advice for you: When he is home, make it very enjoyable for him. Do whatever you have to to not get snippy, have the house clean, your daughter fresh and dressed, and you looking nice. I wouldn't blame him for staying away if whenever he comes home he is assaulted with a dirty house, wife, and daughter and his wife snips at him. I know you feel like it'd be different if he were home more, and I tend to agree, but from his point of view, you could understand why he's not motivated to be there.

It sounds like your husband might be sabotaging efforts to find a house to move because he doesn't want to move. If so, that's passive-aggressive and usually when people resort to being passive-aggressive, it's because s/he feels s/he has no power. That's the last thing you want as an RPW. He knows you don't trust his decisions, thoughts, or feelings about this issue. Or maybe he is trying to get the best deal for your family and aren't trusting his ability to buy a house. If that's the case, you have to trust his abilities and trust that if he is low-balling houses he will either get one for a great price OR learn to bid higher.

Tempest has suggested to me that I stop making decisions for 6 months and my husband will step into the void it creates and start making them naturally. I'm not make sure everyone's needs are met (food, shelter, bills paid, etc) and be a good wife, but all other decisions are dropped. It's hard for me because in the moment I think something needs to be done now when it really doesn't. We don't need to decide on wood flooring or water filters or 401Ks in the next six months even though sometimes I get panicky about it. You might feel like 'after we move I will stop making decisions' and maybe you will but I guarantee there will be something you believe needs to be decided/fixed right now and it will be hard for you to stop.

General- I see people do this a lot, and maybe it's human nature but when a person gets unhappy with something he or she finds a plan or program that solves/cures the problem. Then the person thinks the program/plan is too restrictive or doesn't full "work for me" so the person treats the program like a buffet, picking this part but leaving that part. For example, I've seen people say they want to eat Paleo but include bread and cheese and less veggies. Um, what? Then you aren't eating Paleo. It works but you have to DO IT fully, you can't pick and chose parts because suddenly you are doing pretty much what you were before but calling it a diet. I see women do this with RP a lot. They want to take parts of it but leave parts that don't "work" for them. And that's okay as long as that part isn't central to the entire foundation of the theory. One part where I have seen this the most is when women disagree or dislike a choice their husband has made, instead of accepting it, these women fight it. They want their husband's to make the decisions, but only make the decisions they want made. "I want you to decide where we go to dinner, but I want Mexican for dinner, so I want you to decide on Mexican." It doesn't work like that. Basically, "I like RP when he does want I want and when he doesn't make decisions I like, I overrule him or persuade him differently".

If you can't trust his decision making skills, I don't see RP working in the relationship. Now the question is, is it his decision making skills that are the problem or is it your trusting him?

If marriage counseling helped, I think you should find a therapist who will support and help within a 'traditional marriage' framework and start back. I know you can't be in counseling forever, but from everything you've posted on RPW, it seems like your marriage is in serious danger.

Also, I'm sorry about the depression. That's hard. I've been depressed and it makes everything about 50X harder. Maybe you should go to counseling yourself for the depression.

Nonmedicated · 2014-02-14T22:41:47+00:00

I know you say you were depressed, as if it is over, but from looking over your responses it seems like you still are. Every answer is coming through a huge lens of negativity and helplessness. I feel for you, I truly do.

I don't know what it will take for you to get out of this dark fog and see all the options and shots at happiness you still have here. Depression is pretty insidious and can really cut your legs out from under you.

You to make self care a priority. Feed yourself better. You have access to the internet, make use of it to learn how to cook for one. Get dressed and shower. Get a lock for your child's room, baby proof the crap out of it and get a shower. Hire a mother's helper if you can afford it. If you can't bring yourself to do it for you, do it for your kid. She needs a good role model. Keep fighting for yourself.

Maybe your husband doesn't notice when you have the house nice for him, or maybe he does and like many men with difficult labor jobs, he is just fucking exhausted when he comes home and can only think of getting clean and off his feet.

You are in this together and it can be difficult to see this between the separation, having an active little one in the house, and your depression and isolation.

You have listed some big negatives going on, can you reframe any of them? You husband is willing to compromise and find a new place to live. He clearly values your marriage. Your husband is working a labor intensive job in order to provide for the family he love and values. He has gone to therapy with you to improve your marriage. You guys are on the same side it's a difference of strategy at worst. Please keep this in mind as you go forward.

ab_bott · 2014-02-14T20:06:32+00:00

Definitely sounds like depression to me. Telling your husband you are unhappy and want to move isn't wrong. You can't be a good wife if you are unhappy. Do you have any hobbies? Find something you are passionate about- that's how I keep my depression at bay. Its nice to have something exciting to look forward to. It is also a reason to make you shower/get ready for the day. In my experience the lazier I am the more depressed I feel, it's a vicious cycle.

sugarcrush · 2014-02-14T19:53:40+00:00

How old is your daughter? I'm guessing she's little since you are worried about her getting into things and aren't cooking for her yet. Don't be afraid to stick her in a playpen or something while you shower. I promise it won't kill her to scream for 10 minutes while you shower.

Cooking for one: utilize your freezer! Buy a package of something, proportion what you need for the next couple of days, and then freeze the rest.

I would also find an excuse to get out of the house at least once a day so you feel motivated to get dressed. Take your daughter to the park, mom group, go walk around target, library, anywhere.

I 100% agree that you need to solve the long term problem of him being away all week long. Seeing your husband MAYBE 1 day a month isn't really a marriage to me... I would do anything to fix it. However, it sounds like you are browbeating him into it. Are your finances in a place that moving is possible? I'm wondering why he is bidding so low on the houses. Is it because he actually doesn't want to move and feels like you gave him an ultimatum? And isn't he concerned about his daughter growing up without her dad around? He wants a country atmosphere but is never around to actually be in it? This is a very curious situation to me. I would be interested in hearing his side.

Edit: some more thoughts... When your husband is home, do you tend to stay in the same routine of pajamas all day, house messy, not cooking? That combined with being snippy might be contributing to his reluctance to move to a place where you could be together, which is understandable because who wants to be around that? I understand that right now you are in a probably in a bad cycle of your situation making you depressed, which causes you to be lazy about everything, which makes you feel more depressed, but you really need to do everything you can to drag yourself OUT of that cycle. Hobbies, getting out of the house, etc.

wendy-fly · 2014-02-14T19:26:47+00:00

Where does he stay during the week? How does he feel about your living situation? What does he think the solution is? What is his long term and short vision for your family?

Mrswhiskers · 2014-02-14T21:08:44+00:00

you cant change him, you can only change yourself. why is he always away? is it for work? my ex was a line haul trucker and was gone 10-12 days out of 2 weeks. i cleaned the house the 2 days before he came home and made sure everything was like heaven while he was home. is he providing for you and you daughter? what is your sex life like when he comes home? what kind of work doe she do, is it hard and stressful?

are the local people so terrible you cant stomach the thought of creating even passing friendships to have stuff to do? are there no clubs or groups or craft guilds or anything you can get involved with ? the local church? nothing? and why cant you go look at houses by yourself?

are you just disappointed that this is how life turned out?

eatplaycrush · 2014-02-14T22:00:53+00:00

I have to say I get it's hard to have an SO who is not there. Mine owns his own business plus has two side ventures going on as well. I understand when you say you need a day to adjust to him coming home, but don't you know when he is exactly coming home so you could start adjusting your train of thoughts to be appropriate for when he does arrive? I make sure the house is in order and there is everything he needs when he is here because that is my job. He doesn't not go to work just because he "feels" a certain way and I had to learn to look at my surrounding the same way; the house is my job. It is my job to get up and get ready everyday and to do my tasks. This also helped combat my own anxiety issues because if you let them eat at you, they will.

I was also under the impression my SO would not be working this amount this far into our relationship. Guess what? Just because their intentions are to be around more it doesn't always happen. It sucks, but ultimately they are the ones going out of their way to support the family. I think he does value your opinion, but what I don't think has happened is a real discussion on why HE doesn't truly want to move? Is it really that big of an issue for him? If so, why? What are the top few reasons he is against it? because if it has taken you years to finally come to this now then it has obviously been pushed and pushed as a topic.

All I know is that if my SO told me we were moving then that's that. I know far too well that everything he does is for us and our life together. He would never do something that would put me in a bad situation intentionally or move me somewhere he didn't think was a correct environment.

[deleted] · 2014-02-15T00:41:42+00:00

[permanently deleted]

MrsStrom · 2014-02-15T00:53:38+00:00

First, there occasionally is a point in which an ultimatum is the only thing left to do. The ultimatum comes after you have exhausted all other avenues. From what you've written here, it seems you have made a reasonable effort at fixing the problem. However, I'm not sure you're really there yet.

Second, I feel you. Mr. Strom works out of town quite a bit. Sometimes I get to go with him, sometimes I dont. Its hard. You go from being extremely lonely with entirely too many decisions to make on your own, to not having a second to yourself and someone else messing up the order you had everything in.

My advice: Start sexting each other. Send him dirty pics and explicit messages. Get him all riled up so that the moment he gets home, he's dragging you into the bedroom for a quickie. This gives both of you something to look forward to. Plus, it really helps establish intimacy and emotionally reconnect you. Once you have those feel good hormones flowing, its much easier to play nice.

Put your chores on a schedule. Monday through Friday have an hour or two of cleaning scheduled. This should help give you an idea of what your schedule should look like. Having specific things to do on specific days gives you a purpose for each day.

You mentioned elsewhere that you like art. Pick up a hobby your daughter can't ruin. I like sewing. Aprons are a nice way to start. Then you can work your way up to more complicated projects. I just finished a quite lovely corset. It helps give a sense of accomplishment and helps to pass the time.

Lastly, hit up marriedmansexlife.com. Leave it open for your Mr. to find. Give up making decisions for 6 months (Tempest is a smart lady). Set your Mr. down and explain that you'll be leaving big decisions up to him from here on out. Tell him that you trust him to make the best decisions he can and will back him up no matter what he decides. He might worry that you'll blame him should things not go as planned. Reassure him that you trust him and won't blame him if things don't work out like he hoped- everyone is human and you'll love him all the same. He might test out his new powers and make a few crappy decisions, he might not. Its entirely likely that after a few weeks he'll really take the reins and do what needs to be done.

Provided you haven't married a man-child or complete psychopath, these things should work. Good Luck.

little_red_ · 2014-02-14T22:50:12+00:00

You say the problem is that you're a stay at home mom and he is always away, but it sounds like the real problem is that you're unhappy - you're not unhappy with him, you're unhappy with yourself. You use words like 'isolated' and make an excuse to not shower or change clothes because of your child and lack of exposure to the outside world for the day. I haven't dealt with depression but it sounds like you are letting this get the best of you and it's snowballing out of control. You have no friends and no life because you don't go out; you don't go out because you have no friends and no life.

You know your feelings and behaviors towards your husband are both irrational and unhealthy, but you don't bring up any points about him instigating these feelings other than just "being". Harboring resentment towards your spouse for just being around is going to be expressed directly and indirectly and will only cause your relationship to deteriorate at an alarming rate, especially given that is his only interaction with you. Why would you look forward to going home to someone who only gave off a cranky, agitated and nervous vibe? You should look forward to seeing him whenever he gets the chance to be home, be warm and welcoming.

Making demands of your husband financially and romantically is only going to work against you. If he is the breadwinner and you are pressuring him to take out a loan so you can be happy in the bigger and better home in the city you spend your day in, that seems a bit unfair to me. You COULD make things work where you live, it just seems like you don't care to. Will a more expensive house in a different neighborhood fix all of your problems? You assert "...if he wants that kind of life we're going to have to pay more for it...", does he? It sounds like hes fine where he is, you are the one that wants that lifestyle.

Be a good wife while hes away by sending him messages knowing how much you miss sleeping next to him. Send him a sexy picture now and then. Tell him how excited you are to cook this new meal you saw on TV that reminded you of him (you know he loves that gumbo you guys had at that one restaurant once upon a time, etc). He will value your opinion and advice when you start valuing his, and valuing him.

Pink_acetaminophen · 2014-02-14T22:00:50+00:00

Sounds like it makes more sense to move closer to where he works than just closer to the town you're nearby now.

[deleted] · 2014-02-14T22:56:13+00:00

there is not one particle of redpill advice on this thread.

Title	How am I supposed to be a good wife when my husband isn't home?
Author	Mrswhiskers
Upvotes	4
Comments	57
Date	February 14, 2014 7:01 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1xx3xt/how_am_i_supposed_to_be_a_good_wife_when_my/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-am-i-supposed-to-be-a-good-wife-when-my.165173 https://theredarchive.com/post/165173

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