Had a bout of upset about a pretty controversial topic that I think may have damaged our relationship.

LadyLumen · 2014-05-24T00:52:04+00:00

Umm...your man was thinking about doing COKE! I think you are right for being upset about that - as any sane person should be. Drugs can put a whole relationship in doubt.

HappySnowGirl · 2014-05-24T00:55:33+00:00

There's nothing wrong with having boundaries in your relationship. Illegal drugs are a reasonable boundary. However, you have choices in how you express yourself. Did you get hysterical or bossy right away or did you express yourself gently and firmly? There's a difference between clearly telling him how you feel about something and trying to dictate how he should behave. You SHOULD assert yourself so that he knows your exact opinion on drugs. But know that ultimately he's free to do what he wants, and if it's a hard boundary for you, then you decide not to be together anymore.

It sounds like after the moment passed you continued to nag him about it. I probably would have let it drop at that point until he brought it up again. Or, if I really needed to say something, I would have used it as an opportunity to show how his drug use makes me feel vulnerable rather than attacking him for making a choice I didn't like. I would have said something like, "It scares me when..." or "I'm feeling a little unsettled about..." but said it while we were close and cuddling so he knows I'm not rejecting or judging him but just feeling insecure at the moment and giving him the opportunity to redeem himself (if that's what he needs) or be the hero who looked temptation in the face and turned away, and now gets to be the hero who comforts his woman. It can be an opportunity to build intimacy rather than a source of conflict.

It's unclear to me from OP, but was this something he definitely would have done if you weren't in the picture, or was it a temptation that he overcame (with a side dish of girlfriend nagging)? It could be that he wants to feel proud that he declined, but it's hard to do that when you are focused on the negative.

I'm actually interested in what other people have to say. Drugs are a "no way" for me, but I suppose they aren't for everyone. To me, stuff like drugs (or infidelity, etc.) is in a different category than standard girlfriend complaints.

Added: I preach better than I practice, and also I'm assuming you're not married. I keep things pretty chill on the homefront, but if my husband and father of my three young children were doing coke...well, I'd be flippin' some tables.

Droi · 2014-05-24T01:26:38+00:00

You're not an emotional idiot. If anything you are more logical than the women who would act based on their feelings for the guy instead of realizing how devastating this could be for a future family.

That said, I don't think this is a deal breaker (yet). You've made your point perfectly clear, the ball is now in his court. Keep an eye on him and remember this incident for a while.

eatplaycrush · 2014-05-24T02:12:49+00:00

Unfortunately, I've been around endless drugs. Not that I've done them, but they are just everywhere. Coke is probably one of the most disgusting forms of drugs. You have NO idea what you're getting, what they're cutting it with, who manufactured it, etc. I don't know where you live, but with the Mexican Cartel invading America like no other there is even more concern with it, really. People who frequently use hard drugs are abusing them so for you to say he didn't abuse it isn't truthful. Especially because you were never there, you really have no idea what went on when he used it. If he had absolutely no interest and this was actually genuine then he would have never mentioned it to you, he would have turned down his buddy right away, and that would be that. That's someone who DOESNT have interest.

2014-05-24T05:44:10+00:00

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2014-05-24T01:31:19+00:00

We've spoken about it in the past and he's said that he has no interest in it anymore (has used frequently in the past but not directly abused it).

I've known people who have used coke frequently. "I have no interest in it anymore" is bullshit. I'm not saying this has to be relationship-ending, but I'd be vigilant if I were you, and decided to continue the relationship.

duglock · 2014-05-24T02:08:26+00:00

I'm a guy but have been in the situation you described. He was honest with you and didn't go and do it. I guarantee you if you bust his balls next time he will just lie and keep you in the dark. If you care about him thank him for being honest and let him know he can always come to you without being judged and let him know that you are there for him as support when he is thinking of using. but if he continues down that road you will not be a part of his life anymore and how sad that will be for you. Don't cry or be upset when you have that talk as for this situation you will have to be the rock and foundation. Best of luck to you and you will be in my prayers.

leftajar · 2014-05-24T21:37:11+00:00

Has anyone in this thread actually done coke?

Coke is actually not that intense a drug. If you've ever been drunk, you've been more impaired than an average coke dose.

Furthermore, this guy was never an addict, just an occasional recreational user. If you can't handle him going back on his word, I get that. But don't pretend for a moment that coke is the same as something like heroin or meth.

eatplaycrush · 2014-05-24T01:30:19+00:00

Boundaries are a-okay in a relationship; if you're very uncomfortable with him doing drugs, voice that concern to him, but don't nag him about it or scream at him about it. Calmly tell him you are bothered by his desire to do drugs, but I wouldn't say it's that much of a problem unless he acts on that desire. From there, you can decide whether or not you are willing to continue the relationship with him if he decides to use anyway.

Just don't bristle up as if you're going to lose your sanity over it, and you should be fine. This is something you need to discuss together that way you both understand what the boundaries are, but understand that you cannot control him or dictate how he lives his life. He's aware there are consequences to his actions, so don't harp on him like you're his mother or anything like that.

I know, personally, C and I smoke weed together. Of course, weed's a pretty harmless drug, so I definitely have no qualms about smoking it. C told me he's past using harder drugs (as he's gotten his party years over with) and that if we were going to use something, it would be together. I trust that he wouldn't go back to regularly using harder drugs nor would he drink heavily, as he knows I have some discomfort with those things.

Femme_Murican · 2014-05-24T04:23:09+00:00

That is not acceptable, you can get a heart attack from taking it once, taking that drug is ridiculous and stupid. I think you really do need to reevaluate the reliability of a man who is willing to do that

2014-05-26T20:40:18+00:00

Drugs and cheating are deal-breakers for me. I don't care what someone did in the past, but if they're past is part of their present - then I won't be. No amount of "it's not that bad" or "I only use it sometimes" will be compelling enough for me to trust them completely and respect them enough to defer to their judgement.

The goal is to find a good man, not settle for a "mostly okay" one.

FleetingWish · 2014-05-24T04:24:26+00:00

but I'm feeling this may have dented my trust

Did you tell him that?

2014-05-25T01:01:42+00:00

I need to revaluate because it's not the sort of man I'd like to invest anything in. He was very offended, and I can understand why.

You are completely reasonable, don't doubt yourself.

DevilishRogue · 2014-05-24T09:47:12+00:00

Guy's perspective here. He was thinking about it, honest enough to tell you about it and didn't do it. I imagine these are factors that he thinks should stand him in good stead with you. That said, why would a Red Pill Woman desire a relationship with a guy that uses/has used? It's the closest comparison I can think of to a guy dating a girl who has slept around in terms of being a red flag.

2014-05-24T17:24:12+00:00

There's never an excuse for coke. Period. Leave his sorry ass.

2014-05-24T18:10:58+00:00

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2014-05-25T05:56:20+00:00

I don't drugs at all in recent years, but I've been around it plenty in the past.

It sounds like probably he's done enough partying before that he doesn't see it in as much of a negative light as you. More like a night of hard drinking (Have fun, waste money, stay up really late, feel like shit the next day. That's usually how it goes.) Personally I wouldn't approve of an SO doing hard drugs but just considering it is pretty normal for anyone who has ever experienced that lifestyle. You forget that it's a big deal to most other people.

If you've never really participated in that then it's scarier for you - you think about some of the awful stories you've heard or maybe seen when it turns into a bad scene. Also reasonable - it happens often enough.

You're not wrong for feeling that way, but he was open with you about considering it, and it sounds like he respected that you want to keep that stuff out of your relationship. If that's how you feel then you should be very clear that you don't want to date someone who is does drugs, even on rare occasions. Let him know that's a deal breaker. But don't get mad at him because he was honest about something he was considering and wanted to see if that was a no-go for you.

If he breaks your trust or ever does it in secret then that's another thing, but from your story it sounds like he just needed a kind but firm reminder that not everyone is ok with that stuff.

I'd count it as one, very small red flag and don't let it bother you unless it comes up again.

2014-05-24T17:06:14+00:00

a drug addict eh? hows that hypergamy hamster working out for you? here's a little life advice:don't date drug addicts or people with a history of addiction. the best thing you can do for yourself is jump ship and find a REAL man, you know, one with a stable life who doesn't make your gina tingle? you can always teach him how to bend you over and pull your hair but you can't teach a man virtue.

hibloodstevia · 2014-05-24T14:58:48+00:00

RPM here, he is definitely not holding frame and sounds like he is a bit of a weak man.

Title	Had a bout of upset about a pretty controversial topic that I think may have damaged our relationship.
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	15
Comments	57
Date	May 24, 2014 12:16 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/26camo/had_a_bout_of_upset_about_a_pretty_controversial/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/had-a-bout-of-upset-about-a-pretty-controversial.165404 https://theredarchive.com/post/165404

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