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I want to sign a prenup, but I do not want to emasculate him...

[deleted]

November 29, 2014
5 upvotes
/r/RedPillWomen
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Post Information
Title I want to sign a prenup, but I do not want to emasculate him...
Author

[deleted]
Upvotes 5
Comments 44
Date November 29, 2014 7:27 PM UTC
(11 years ago)
Subreddit Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/2ns21k/i_want_to_sign_a_prenup_but_i_do_not_want_to/
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-want-to-sign-a-prenup-but-i-do-not-want-to.165933
https://theredarchive.com/post/165933

Comments

[–][deleted] 11 years ago (19 children) | Copy Link

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[–][deleted] 11 years ago (18 children) | Copy Link

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[–]TheTerrorSquadEndorsed Contributor -1 points0 points1 point 11 years ago (17 children) | Copy Link

I bet you do.

[–][deleted] 11 years ago (15 children) | Copy Link

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[–][deleted] 11 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link

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[–]TheTerrorSquadEndorsed Contributor 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

But I don't want you feeling guilty about this any more than I want my male friends (who I also advise again and again, get a prenup) to feel guilty.

but its not the same. As a woman she has the odds stacked in her favour and your male friends dont.

[–]TheTerrorSquadEndorsed Contributor 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (11 children) | Copy Link

I know a woman loses value as she ages. Even if I stay fit and healthy, I will age...this is inevitable.

Yep and the fact you are walking into this "marriage" with this in mind only further leads me to believe that you are behaving in a hypergamous manner.

And what if he meets someone else who he wants to be with more?

thats right so you better snare this guy with a prenup because its inevitable right? Its inevitable that he will leave you for a younger version? Maybe in the back of your mind you know you may well swing to the next branch when the situation presents itself because this is the sort of behaviour you seem to be familiar with. This is not even mentioning the fact that this has been brought about by your friends ie team woman.

At the end of the day I will never get behind your motives. Would you be so eager of a pre nup if you were broke and he wasnt?

[–]BakerofpieEndorsed Contributor 3 points4 points5 points 11 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link

This doesn't even make sense. How is she behaving in a hypergamous way when the man she is marrying has less money than she does? I don't see the correlation between what she's saying and hypergamy, at all.

Also, "snare" him with a prenup? How is she ensnaring him with anything? For one, you cannot surprise someone with a prenup suddenly once you decide it's over. Both parties must agree to it and sign on it. Furthermore, currently it is still her money. While I think her reasons for wanting one are indicative of a problem, asking for a prenup should in no way be considered anything remotely similar to setting up some kind of trap.

[–]TheTerrorSquadEndorsed Contributor 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

She is hypergamous because her priorities are making sure she has a prenup with the guy her earns less than her. Do you think shed be banging on about a prenup if she was broke? If you read her posts she is overly concerned with who owns what and who holds wealth etc she said herself "but what if he leaves me for someone else" whilst this is a problem all of us could face she is walking into a marriage with all of her priorities wrong. Fuck maybe im out of touch but i was of the thinking you choose to marry the one you love the one you dedicate yourself to through thick and thin to death do us part NOT only if hes not going to stand a chance of having my inheritence

she is snaring a bb by wanting a PN with him

[–]BakerofpieEndorsed Contributor -1 points0 points1 point 11 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

It sounds like you are against prenups in general, then, which I am as well on a personal level. However I don't really concern myself too heavily with whether or not others feel they are necessary. I don't see anything more wrong with an independently wealthy woman wanting a prenup than I do with the genders reversed.

Men are more often screwed over in divorce because they more often have more money, which gets divided between the two of them regardless of whether his wife contributed to his earning abilities and assets. It just isn't true that when the sexes are reversed the man will still be the one screwed over. In states where marital assets are split 50/50 in a divorce, it is still going to be 50/50 regardless of which person is losing out the most. She is obviously not snagging her BB because this man is an absolutely awful choice unless by "bucks" you only mean "supportive emotional tampon."

I really don't know why anyone would post here who already has such distrust for her fiancé, because I don't think it's possible to be a RPW with her attitude about this whole thing and the reasons she has expressed. But I don't think accusations of trickery are founded. If she were acting on her hypergamy or trying to trick a BB into marrying her, she would have found a man with even more money and/or earning potential.

I am curious as to what you would suggest should happen if the worst were to happen to her marriage and he decided to leave. If he left her should he still be entitled to half of the assets she held before the marriage? I honestly can't think why that scenario would be more acceptable or fair than it would be with the genders reversed. So-called "double standards" are often total crap because men and women are different and it makes sense for standards and expectations to be different, but this is one where I don't see the difference.

[–]TheTerrorSquadEndorsed Contributor 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

TBF I am against them they do not support marriage and make it easy for people to walk away. I wouldnt sign one and I wouldnt want my SO to sign one which leads me to;

I am curious as to what you would suggest should happen if the worst were to happen to her marriage and he decided to leave

All of this should be agreed with each couple prior to marriage and prior to any talk of splitting up , my husband and I have talked about what might happen if things hit the skids and at the end of the day he is the father of my kids and I am the mother we both know we arent going to stitch eachother up and we base this on a mutual trust, something we dont need a prenup for

[–]BakerofpieEndorsed Contributor 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

All of this should be agreed with each couple, my husband and I have talked about what might happen if things hit the skids and at the end of the day he is the father of my kids and I am the mother we both know we arent going to stitch eachother up and we base this on a mutual trust, something we dont need a prenup for

This is exactly how I feel about it. Unless one of us had some sort of traumatic brain injury that fundamentally changed our personalities we both know the other would not try to turn a divorce into a messy battle. I have heard some peoples' rationales for wanting them and okay, to each their own, but OP's reasoning does not seem like something coming from a healthy relationship. I think we do mostly agree, but perhaps have slightly different ideas on why her reasons are unhealthy.

[–][deleted] 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

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[–][deleted] 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

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[–][deleted] 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

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[–]TheTerrorSquadEndorsed Contributor 2 points3 points4 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

That's why I intend to do it sooner rather than later.

I am just brainstorming ways to bring it up.

.but I know total transparency is key.

I dont think you know what total transparency is.

[–]rpMwafrika 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link

Prenups aren't romantic. There is no soft way of dealing with them. They are legal documents that are supposed to be handled clinically and with proper legal representation for both woman, who has a financial upper hand can seek a prenup. It says nothing about their character. My SO owns a few businesses while I'm still in law school. I'm the one who broached the subject and encouraged him to get a prenup and actually provided him with the relevant legal information. We've talked about the divorce and matrimonial property laws in my country and what they mean for us. When the time comes for us to get married we'll both lawyer up and sign. My wanting him to be protected doesn't mean that I plan on taking him to the cleaners otherwise. It's a smart financial decision to get all your ducks in a row, nothing more.

Seeking a prenup doesn't mean you don't trust your partner. It's just the smart realistic thing to do in a world of where divorce is as common as inhaling and blinking. Finances is one of the big reasons that married couples fight. When push comes to shove a prenup sets out the rules of engagement.

That being said, I can see two problems here:

  1. I find it strange that your future spouse has no idea of the extent of your finances. I understand if it was in the early stages you'd want to make sure he doesn't want to take advantage of you. However, this is a person you are thinking of spending the rest of your life with. If you don't trust him with the knowledge of just how much you (potentially will) have then you shouldn't be marrying him. Life is unpredictable and shit happens. In case of a fire or some other catastrophe, wouldn't having that kind of financial backing be helpful? Shouldn't your future husband at least know about that option? If you are afraid of emasculating him, then don't emasculate him. Don't throw how much you have in his face. Handle all financial matters clinically.

  2. There has to be full disclosure on the subject matter, when drawing up a contract. He will find out eventually. Blindsiding him with new information can be construed as bad faith. tl, dr: Prenups can only be handled in a clinical, unromantic way. Lawyers on both sides is best.

edit:formatting

[–][deleted] 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

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[–]rpMwafrika 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

How have you gone to the point of getting engaged without having a conversation about money?

I get that they are bad people who would want to take advantage. A person like that isn't someone you'd want to get in a relationship with. Why are you assuming that your bf could be one of those people? Is there something that happened that makes you doubt him? Or has someone else in the past tried to take advantage of your financial situation and you're maybe carrying that baggage?

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points5 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

He shouldn't marry you. This is not the same thing as a man fearing divorce rape and wanting a pre nup. Divorce rape doesnt tend to flow in both direction. If you just don;t want him spending it or you just want to control him with it then you are no good. Marriage brings him INTO your family, you are leaving him OUT of your family. Don't marry him

I am going to inherit some buildings and money and it never occured to me that I would keep this separate from the man I married

[–][deleted] 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

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[–]TempestTcup 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (20 children) | Copy Link

Be honest and tell him plainly. I personally don't understand marrying a man I wouldn't trust with an inheritance, and if I came into money I would put it in the joint account, but I understand that people are different and have different outlooks on life.

I also don't understand how money = legacy, but I guess if making money is the only thing he has accomplished in his life then it would be a legacy, maybe. Cash to me is cash not an accomplishment, but then again I suppose that I have a good-sized "legacy" myself: I call it my life savings, and it doesn't define me.

Then there's the question: why isn't this inheritance in a trust? Doesn't a trust already accomplish the same thing as a prenup? I don't know much about inheritance law, but that is what I have always been led to believe.

[–][deleted] 11 years ago (12 children) | Copy Link

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[–]TempestTcup 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Then just tell him outright; don't beat around the bush. Being afraid of emasculating him is more emasculating than treating him like a man.

[–]TheTerrorSquadEndorsed Contributor 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

And what has your fathers input been on this? What did your father say you should do? It seems to me this is your decision and yours alone. Did your father tell you to do this ? If he has had no part in this then it would seem to me you are making a selfish decision based purely on protecting whats yours (and not your "future husbands" ) This is not a recipe for a happy life long marriage. For all we know your father is more than happy for you to marry this guy without a prenup therfore you could be perceived as a conniving would be "wife" who is protecting her "assets" once she leaves her husband

[–][deleted] 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

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[–]TheTerrorSquadEndorsed Contributor 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

it was my friends who brought it up because they know my SO is not wealthy.

Yes and team woman will always make sure the poor man willl never leach off of you

[–]BakerofpieEndorsed Contributor 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

I respect him and do not want to see his hard work be driven into the ground or exploited.

Whoaaa. That looks like a pretty big red flag. While I am still of the mind that wanting a prenup in the first place signals a certain level of distrust that I wouldn't be comfortable marrying someone if I felt I really needed one, this seems a bit extreme. Are you really concerned that the man you want to marry will financially ruin you by being irresponsible with money? If that's the case I can't help but wonder why you are getting married. You are basically saying you respect your father more than your future husband. You should be marrying a man whom you can respect above all others. With this attitude it doesn't like a RP marriage is going to happen, which begs the question of why you are asking about this in this particular sub.

[–][deleted] 11 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

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[–]BakerofpieEndorsed Contributor 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

Of course they're not. But I can't imagine marrying anyone who you truly feel is THAT irresponsible and untrustworthy as to run your father's legacy into the ground.

[–][deleted] 11 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

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[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

...They have no access...a shitty sister in law can't wander into a bank and just start swiping your money.

[–]BakerofpieEndorsed Contributor 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Why would his family have any say or rights to your marital assets, let alone money from your own trust?

[–]scallopkidEndorsed Contributor 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

I personally don't understand marrying a man I wouldn't trust with an inheritance

Agreed. It's like keeping a part of yourself back from the other person, keeping walls up.

[–]TempestTcup 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Right, like "I trust you a little, but not all the way." Why even get married? I don't think she is afraid that he will feel emasculated; I think she's afraid he will walk away.

[–]TheTerrorSquadEndorsed Contributor 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

I personally don't understand marrying a man I wouldn't trust with an inheritance

And there it is.

[–]TempestTcup 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Yup. Why marry? Keep him as your boy-toy if you don't trust him.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

As a legacy it isn't the best, it's only value is through spending it then it's gone, it's no land or family home/business.

[–]TempestTcup 0 points1 point2 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

Right. If she really wanted to continue his legacy she should have joined the family business and taken it over. All she cares about the "legacy" is to keep the money to herself and use it as a back up.

[–]-peppermintEndorsed Woman -1 points0 points1 point 11 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

OP, why get married?

i mean, prenup to me means you don't have much faith in your relationship, it's like, i'm going all in "until death do us part", but just in case I'm going to get you to sign this prenup, and i might entertain keeping a fallback guy too.

I just don't see the point.

If I were you, I would be straight up honest, "my father left me an inheritance, I want you to sign a prenup, I love you but, I can't risk my father's legacy on a marriage when half of marriages end in divorce"

FYI the reason this is so hard to phrase and you have to ask for advice is because you know that doing something like this is no good, it's like a bad omen on the relationship, reveals a void in the trust you're supposed to have with the man you're marrying, so... yeah.

good luck!

[–][deleted] 11 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

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[–]-peppermintEndorsed Woman 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

yes, i believe it is implying a lack of faith in the relationship.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

70% of divorces are initiated by the wife...and it's unknown how many of the rest where caused by her(I remember reading an article 6 months back about wives admitting they drove their husbands into divorcing them so they wouldn't look bad for dropping the hammer.

[–]Bea_Noemi 1 point2 points3 points 11 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

I understand what you're asking however societally speaking men get totally screwed in the event of a divorce. Even if their wives are also wealthy. It is not fair that men "get" to ask for a pre-nup, just like it's not fair that men get divorce raped while the complete opposite is the case (most of the time) for women. That is the reason it's okay for men to ask for a prenup. This isn't to say it's not okay to ask for one, I'm just explaining why this construct is the way it is (from my perspective).

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