how to rehab your man from his past bad relationships

FleetingWish · 2015-03-03T19:36:56+00:00

The problem is, right now, he doesn't trust you. He doesn't trust your motivations are good, and he doesn't trust you are who you say you are. You shouldn't be offended by this, because trust is something that you have to earn. It's not just dependent on how trustworthy you are, it's also dependent on how "trusting" he is.

You're right, his trusting mechanism has probably been worn away and corroded over years of abuse. If you want to get it working again you will have to work hard. That means continually being who you are, until, slowly but surely, he starts to believe you. This will take a long time that depends on how damaged the "trust mechanism" is. He will take small steps forward, and small steps back. But if you are committed to making this relationship work, just continue to be persistent, and he will learn you mean well.

And please, be careful not to do anything to make him think that he shouldn't trust you. Try not to make any mistakes, because if you do, it will set his trust for you back, and you'll have to start again. Trust takes forever to earn, but an instant to break.

stolidfact · 2015-03-03T18:48:22+00:00

It takes time. Be consistent in your femininity and he will grow to trust it.

hockey_puck · 2015-03-03T19:48:20+00:00

I know exactly what you mean, OP! My husband had a lot of reservations about relationships after seeing his mom's rather toxic romantic relationships in action his whole life. He comes from a single-parent family within a strongly matriarchal extended family, which is very different from my own experience. His self-esteem was also pretty low, though he hid it well (as many men do). That was basically all he knew of relationships, so when we started dating (I was his first girlfriend after a string of FWBs), he was a bit perplexed. "Why don't you ever yell at me?" he asked me once, as if something was wrong with us for never having had a "real fight" (we have "tough discussions" on occasion, but they're civil). He actually thought our lack of knock-down-drag-out fights was a sign that I wasn't invested in the relationship! He was confused as to why I wasn't more like his friends' girlfriends--domineering, demanding, and dramatic. He had some trust issues because his mom was a serial cheater, and the fact that I was "too nice" led him to be suspicious of me for quite a long time. This disconnect was the source of most of the problems we had as a new couple. I just kept doing what I do, and eventually he became comfortable with it. (So basically what everybody else said--persistence, consistency, and time.)

It took a good deal of time (like almost 3 years) for him to get used to me despite the expectations his upbringing implanted in him, and that required patience on my part. We've been together almost five years now, and my patience has paid off in a big way. At some point it sunk in that girlfriends/wives are supposed to be supportive, kind, thoughtful, civil, and all the things I try my best to be, and now his old ideas about relationships actually serve to create a contrast in his mind that makes him appreciate me more than ever. He feels lucky and proud, now, that he didn't end up with the type of wife he was raised to expect and thought he deserved.

So be patient, OP, and keep being the best girlfriend you can be. You're not like his ex-girlfriends, but if he's been really burned in the past, he's just trying to protect himself, which is natural. Once you've proven to him over time that there's nothing to protect himself from, with you, and that treating him well is your default, he will see you in a whole new, wonderful way (and peobably feel a lot happier and more confident, himself). There is no such thing as treating your SO with too much kindness, so don't get discouraged! Just keep being your awesome self, and this will work itself out in time.

Aine_of_knockaine · 2015-03-03T18:48:21+00:00

We all have baggage. It sounds like he's got a couple of train trunks. It's fine. The best way to help him is to keep doing what you're doing. You're doing it sincerely and it's helping. You can't make him realize that you aren't those people, but you can show him that you aren't.

You're doing it. Keep showing him that. The more that he sees it the more he'll believe it.

rednukleus · 2015-03-04T04:41:48+00:00

Define to him what you think the sins of his past girlfriends were, and then tell him you aren't like that.

berg_theory · 2015-03-05T05:15:26+00:00

The fact that you are even asking shows that you are acting out of a place of love. Any action or decision made with love is usually the right one: So, i don't believe that it's possible to "overspoil" when your intentions are pure. I think a good way to reassure him that you have no ulterior motives is to be honest about what your motives are. Do people really do anything without having their reasons? No. I know that when I support my man or concede to him in an argument I make it very clear that I do so because I believe/trust in him and I want to see him do well. I would remind him that I wouldn't waste my time with a man who wasn't capable of making it on his own and that loving him makes me feel good and makes me fell like I belong to him. Hope that helps a little

Kharn0 · 2015-03-05T05:42:34+00:00

As a guy thats had bad experiences with ex-gfs, what would make me trust my gf would be consistency and time. If she was consistently supportive, nurturing etc had her own routines and patterns that I could learn and set my watch to, then I would ease up a bit and think "maybe she's just like that instead of chasing butterflies". The pattern would also alert me if something change in it, then I'd know something was up. Where as without the pattern I'd have to be constantly vigilant for something awry.

eatplaycrush · 2015-03-03T19:18:51+00:00

It takes time and persistence on your part. Over time his views of what "normal" will change, and he will be much happier they did I am going to assume 100%.

Title	how to rehab your man from his past bad relationships
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	19
Comments	27
Date	March 3, 2015 6:23 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/2xt8hj/how_to_rehab_your_man_from_his_past_bad/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-rehab-your-man-from-his-past-bad.166107 https://theredarchive.com/post/166107

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