Need relationship advice. New to RP after being very BP my entire life.

tintedlipbalm · 2015-04-23T18:10:39+00:00

Read The Surrendered Wife, it is written for situations like yours.

FleetingWish · 2015-04-23T19:12:04+00:00

Ok, here's the thing, a man like this is going to be very uncomfortable making decisions. If he even says he wants something, he's probably used to being scorned for admitting that he even has wants. So you not only have to allow leadership, (by stepping out of the way, and not questioning his judgement), you have to encourage him to make decisions by asking his opinions on things.

One of the things that I often suggest is literally asking his permission for things. Like for example, ask his permission before you buy a big ticket item. Since he's beta, he will probably come back with "do whatever you want", but stand your ground and say you need his permission because it's his money too. Then award him by saying that "he's right" if he says "no", or smile and squeal like he just got you the best birthday present ever if he says "yes".

You mention in his post that sometimes he makes bad decisions. That's ok, let him make some bad decisions. Remember you make bad decisions some times too. Tell him your opinion on it, but ultimately let him choose. Once a bad decision is made, let him fix it. If he is responsible for making decisions, he is also responsible for the potential consequences.

2015-04-24T00:00:16+00:00

You sound like you're doing great so far! Asking him what he wants is a great starting place. Its hard to elevate a man who's been dominated by women his whole life. This will take time, but he will emerge as more masculine if given time and good treatment.

valleycupcake · 2015-04-24T20:13:48+00:00

In addition to all the wonderful advice here so far, I'd say you can start building up his leadership by complimenting the things he already does well. Don't be disingenuous, or he'll smell it, but go out of your way to find things he has done well. Contemplate throughout your day everything you are grateful for and it will flow out of you.

Also, letting him make any decision he wants right now is crucial. You can, of course, respectfully voice concerns before a decision is final, but once it's made, go with it enthusiastically. Also, the concerns you voice should be big picture things only at this phase. If you are "concerned" Restaurant A isn't a healthy choice and you'd prefer Restaurant B, zip it. One time doesn't matter in the long run, and you can always bring it up as a big picture concern outside of decision-making time if it becomes a worrisome pattern.

In, say, six months, when he's more used to decision-making on behalf of both of you, you can say "My preference is to have Restaurant B because it's healthier, but I'll go along with whatever you'd like." (I like to use terms like my "preference" or my "vote" rather than "I want," because that helps convey that it's not a demand.) And then actually go along with whatever he decides. Right now, information like that will feel like pressure to him and he will fear the consequences of pouting, nagging, or the silent treatment if he doesn't comply. Later on, when you've shown that you won't do those things and he's more confident, he will be able to take that in as simply one factor in many that he uses to decide.

My fiance was also raised primarily by a guilt-tripping mother, and this worked really well for us.

Aine_of_knockaine · 2015-04-23T17:45:45+00:00

What do I do in situations where his decisions are obviously in his own interests and not our family's?

Think about this in two ways. We're all selfish and self serving. However, what is good for us is not always to the detriment of another person or our families. Sometimes you need time to yourself or you'll snap. Think about those times and ask yourself if he gets what is in his own interest does it negatively affect something else? If it doesn't let it be okay some. If it does be honest and up front about it. Tell him why and what happens if that decision is made. Then allow him to choose. He may decide to do what is in his best interest still, but most good men will choose the best option for the good of both themselves and their family.

What else can I do to build him up? Is it even a possibility after the way he was raised?

Is it possible? Yes. Is it something that will happen overnight? Probably not.

Have him do things that allow him to feel masculine. Try to let him lead. Give him sex. Have him do manly things around the house. The man always takes out our garbage. I don't do it. Have him fix things or hang things. Have him open jars. Listen to him. Let him be your rock and soft place to land. How you do all that is going to vary. For me it's saying hey this is what I need or how I feel and letting him comfort me in the way he finds best. It requires me to be open and honest with him.

2015-04-25T05:01:36+00:00

as a guy who was very similar to your husband growing up, but realizing in my early 20s that I'm rather intelligent which has lead me on my own path which I think is pretty successful now by TRP standards, here are my thoughts:

To a degree, being alpha is innate, and to another degree, it is environmental. The environmental part is heavily heavily shaped when we are in our teens and early 20s. If someone hasn't found their "self" by the time they are late 20s, they aren't going to. Maybe your husband will be the miracle, but he probably wont. Break a person's spirit when he's young and he might bounce back later, but break a person's spirit and keep it broken for 20 something years, and he probably wont bounce back. Sorry to break this to you.

With that being said, your children don't need to look primary to your husband for strong male imprinting. What is the primary difference between masculine energy and feminine energy?

Imagine that these two energies are a protective warm bubble expanding into darkness. Masculine energy is the surface of the bubble. Masculine energy deals with both darkness that surrounds it, and warmth that is inside it, and its task is to win against the darkness, uncertainty, pain, so the warmth inside it can be safe. Feminine energy on the other hand, is the warmth inside the bubble, it nurtures, but it is not innately designed to press against the darkness outside it. That is the masculine energy's job.

I think if you can't do it, you need to enroll your kids in sports. Education is designed by soccer moms, and is a very "feminine" atmosphere. It's about social jousting, superficial social groups, etc etc, and groups are bound together by superficial friendships. Sports is more "masculine" in its dynamics, it's about piercing into the unknown, with a team, with a strategy, with morality and honor binding you with your team. Something I remember was a shock to me is hearing that girls often hate their friends in middle school. On the other hand, take the soccer team or the football team. They don't hate their team mates, they depend on them.

It's unfortunate that your husbands parents thought that the best way to raise a racehorse is first by breaking its legs so it doesn't run away.

Tell your kids to enroll in sports and push them not to win, but to find "outlet" in the sport. In so doing, they will project a certain set of emotions in their subcommunication that will attract other similar kids to them. This inculcates them into that subculture, a positive feedback loop echo chamber that nourishes their masculinity, and hopefully they will carry this with them when they go into college and decide career they want to find outlet in for the rest of their lives, a masculine outlet or a feminine outlet. They'll also find coaches and role models in these environments because the masculine environment naturally fosters emotions of mentorship.

9gxa05s8fa8sh · 2015-04-30T08:15:01+00:00

which to me was perfect back then

For me this is the key to what you said. You've changed. Your needs have changed. The next step is telling him the news. Showing him what is inside you. Selflessly laying out on a plate everything you have, and waiting for his reaction without judgement. With true and total honesty from within, you'll give him what he needs to meet your needs.

Some relationships don't last forever. But the ones that do last are transparent.

Title	Need relationship advice. New to RP after being very BP my entire life.
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	17
Comments	20
Date	April 23, 2015 4:58 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/33m2g5/need_relationship_advice_new_to_rp_after_being/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/need-relationship-advice-new-to-rp-after-being.166212 https://theredarchive.com/post/166212

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