Can I work my RPW ways and ethos and not tell my captain?

meganstoocute · 2015-08-18T14:41:14+00:00

Everyone on this sub will tell you that you can't do it like that. When I started RP, I was the same way. One of the main points that RPW will teach you (if you read the sidebar and the recommended books), is that you can't control other people. It's very freeing when you realize that. You can't make him lead. But if you think he is a good Captain, and that he is worth submitting to, then taking a step back and letting him lead is your best bet. Take the values that you've learned, and focus on yourself. TRP tells men the same thing. Take good care of yourself, start cooking and working out, and stop questioning his choices (either out loud or in your head), and stop nagging. This is what I did, and it has worked fabulous for me. I have mentioned RP to my man, and in the beginning I sent him some links but I don't think he even looks at the sub now. I think you will see the biggest changes when you step back a bit and let him make the decisions. If he says he doesn't care, that is a decision that you make. It might take a while to figure out who decides what, but that is a very personal part of your relationship, and it's very important.

Good luck! RP is a very fun way to live. Much easier when you get the hang of it.

freebumblebee · 2015-08-18T18:25:33+00:00

I agree with u/meganstoocute. You really can't change someone. We can change ourselves, but we can't change others. What really helped me was stepping back, realizing that my man, the man I chose, is a competent, successful, self-made man. I chose him for these reasons. And yet I was questioning his every move.

As an example: yesterday he decided (for reasons I'm still not 100% on) to black out a couple windows with paint. We live in a rental. If I were him, I'd have done a patch test to make sure we could remove the paint before going full hog with the can. He did not do that, and I walked into a room to find him halfway through blacking out windows. I had two options at this point: I could be like, "ahhh what are you doing stop what if we can't get it off omg the security deposit," or I could trust him. I could trust that if he couldn't get it off, he'd find another way. I could trust that if we lost the security deposit, it really wasn't that big of a deal (we're hardly short on cash). We could have fought, I could've been a bitch, but instead, I just trusted him and moved on. That is what surrendering is. That is what accepting someone as your captain is about.

Another example that seems more relevant to your situation (considering the not being proactive). He got badly sunburnt. You know what fixes sunburn? Topically applied black tea. Aloe, from a leaf or the gel. Lidocaine for the pain. Moisturizer. You know what he hates? Stuff on his body. He spent days not letting me put anything on it, but if you asked him, he was in pain. I didn't do as well this time--I did nag him, I did get bitchy, "well if you just let me smear stuff on you, you'd be better by now!" and we were both on each others' last nerve. After a few days, he let me smear everything all over him and the next day he was miles better. But here's the thing. He would've come to that conclusion eventually. All my nagging did was make him dig his heels in. I was treating him like a child, not like a grown man.

The moral of the story is this: change your mindset. There are two people who can adjust in your relationship, but you can only adjust one of them. Adjust yourself. Practice keeping your mouth shut even when you're totally right (see sunburn story--I was totally right, right?), because being "right" is not really the end game. You're a team, not opponents. Pick your battles. Was sunburn the hill I wanted to die on? No, not at all. Don't expect overnight results. Guard your tongue and your thoughts. Be pleasant, be kind, be quick to smile and slow to anger. Be forthright with issues, but don't be naggy. And if your chosen captain lacks the abilities to captain your ship, even with a first mate giving 100%, then maybe you chose poorly--but at least you're better for it when all is said and done. Self improvement should always be your goal.

StingrayVC · 2015-08-18T17:10:40+00:00

What is the outcome you are hoping to achieve?

[deleted] · 2015-08-18T16:24:35+00:00

Have you read the Surrendered Wife? If not, I really recommend it for you because it seems like the author started out in a situation very similar to yours. The TL;DR of it is just start letting him lead. Don't mention anything - just give him the reins.

As far as hissy fits go, my husband used to have them when I first started getting into TRP. Just let him play it out - don't get involved. For some men, this is how they learn / grow into their role. Could be a good sign, IMO.

rorschach555 · 2015-08-18T16:16:46+00:00

Why can't you just love and respect him for who he is instead of trying to change him?

Title	Can I work my RPW ways and ethos and not tell my captain?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	10
Comments	17
Date	August 18, 2015 2:27 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/3hg7hy/can_i_work_my_rpw_ways_and_ethos_and_not_tell_my/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/can-i-work-my-rpw-ways-and-ethos-and-not-tell-my.166409 https://theredarchive.com/post/166409

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