How do males with no male father figure become masculine?

binglebongledingle · 2014-06-15T21:05:49+00:00

I'm struggling with this too. Lesbian moms got divorced when I was a small small child. Not one single mother, two single mothers. One bipolar, one alcoholic. Both obese. Both constantly losing their jobs. Basically raised myself and did a pretty shit job at it.

Now I'm lifting and doing fencing. I'm learning how to dress like a man too. I was taught it was acceptable to be a disgusting fat slob and dress hideously. I go hiking every sunday morning with my brother. I learned how to cook with a cast iron and make almost all of my food. I'm 18 by the way, for reference.

Hit the gym today. I can't describe the mental changes that 2 months of lifting has had on me. Buy a set of dumbells. Do 100 pushups every night. Read some of the reading material here. I suggest starting with "The Power of Now" by Ekhart Tolle.

I also suggest finding some RP lifestyle men who you can learn from. It might be hard to find them in real life at first, so go check out Elliott Hulse, RSDTyler, Eric Thomas, and Gordon Ramsay.

throwaway_explainer · 2014-06-15T22:00:53+00:00

Greetings from the future.

Do what thou willt, that shall be the whole law.

Once you started on this path by reaching for help, you found yourself with many possibilities. Instead of weighing your options too much before deciding your future, you chose to do what would help you in every scenario.

Namely, you reached for monetary independence, putting ten percent of everything you made to your own pocket instead to the pocket of other men. As you later realized, man with money in his pocket is a happy man.

While you toiled with the pursuit of monetary independence, you found yourself to have plenty of free time after this primary pursuit. You chose to dedicate an hour every day for the improvement of your physical stature. You jogged, lifted weights, made yourself flexible -- an all around strong person. As you soon noticed, the mere fact that you were stronger, healthier and more stable soon reflected on how other people viewed you.

Still, you had several hours of day left, every day. This, you used to refine your mind. You read the classics, you delved into sciences, studied history and absorbed everything that was interesting. As you soon noticed, you could easily talk to people of all trades, as you had interesting insight to several topics. The mere fact that you were cultured, stable and healthy was enough to make people respect you.

Still, while you used a portion of your income to your living expenses, another to pay off anything that was hanging and put the ten percent to your own pocket, you still found yourself having additional money to spend every month. This, you used to make your environment as you pleased. You made your home practical and you got the new equipment and clothing for different situations.

The mere fact that only two years after your initial plea, you lead a good, admirable life. You were stronger and healthier than ever before, you had saved enough money that it had no longer been wise to carry it with you for a good while. You were cultured and even to your own amazement, quite well read and able to converse fluently about considerable amount of topics. You dressed well, and people took note of you walking confidently -- like a man with a purpose. The purpose to live life to the best of his ability.

That day you looked at a mirror, smirked at your own visage, and shrugged, continuing your day chin-up with a confident smile.

That day you knew you had become a man.

OsoFeo · 2014-06-15T20:49:36+00:00

I sympathize with your situation. I was raised by a single mother who was also a feminist. Plus I'm a gay guy. I'm fortunate in at least having an RP uncle with a strong presence in my life.

First, "weighing ones options" is actually a strength, so I would not view that as being a "bitch". If you can remember that inaction is in effect a decision that has also has costs, and weigh those costs in comparison to those associated with specific actions, then you'll be more effective at making decisions in the context of uncertainty.

Regarding handiness, volunteer to help a handy friend. My partner grew up with an RP dad and is very handy, and he has taught me quite a bit. Even before he was in my life I was willing to take on some projects understanding that I would fuck some things up (I did but nothing catastrophically so). Bottom line, you can always learn.

Re: physical presence, taking up a martial art is a good idea. It will increase your confidence and give you some minimal fighting skills.

MachiavellianRed · 2014-06-15T19:40:15+00:00

Go and lift. Take up a martial art.

[deleted] · 2014-06-15T20:03:01+00:00

I Just want to become a better man

better for yourself, or you want to appear better in the eyes of others? both?

nobody can tell you what to do, because we dont know what you like/dislike. if you want to shoot guns then go join a gun club FFS. its not difficult is it?

sometimes people feel like they need to change in some way before they can go and live the life they want to live. i am guessing OP, that you feel that you need to be more manly before you can go and live a more "manly life". but you have it backwards. you just need to decide what kind of life you want to live and start doing it.

you are identifying yourself as "unmanly". its as if you are saying that "if only I were more manly, then I could do some manly things". but no, your identity is whatever you choose it to be, and you can go and do live whatever life you want to live right now. you do not need the permission of anyone else to be what you want, just decide who it is that you want to be and just live it; the rest will fall into place.

[deleted] · 2014-06-15T21:06:04+00:00

Lift/follow a diet Improve posture and align yourself perfectly Martial Arts Be around as many masculine men as possible Reach out to mentors you can find in person/online

Read: Way Of The Superior Man Manipulated Man Pook And The Mill Definitive Body Language Book

Study body language/tonality and fashion to increase masculinity as well

[deleted] · 2014-06-15T23:08:36+00:00

By finding role models elsewhere.

Character in a book, on a TV show, in a movie, guy you saw walking down the street with set shoulders, chin up and a straight back walking with purpose, etc.

It's also taken time. I grew up with my mother and sister only. Their interests never interested me. All I did when growing up was play games. It's taken me years to slowly but surely find what I enjoy doing and to build on certain aspects of my life.

I now spend my time riding my motorcycle, reading, lifting and looking through a telescope. I'm an ametuer in all these pursuits but nonetheless I enjoy them so therefore I do them. Don't let anyone define masculinity for you. You need to decide what kind of life you want to live and what kind of guy you want to be. You get to define yourself. Everyone else be damned. It's your life and your choices that make it.

It's a responsibility that is entirely yours. Don't shy away from it. Embracing it is part of what makes you a man.

If you're unsure and don't know where to start you're probably over-thinking it. You don't need to start looking in the perfect place or for the perfect thing; you just need to start. It's a process of refinement. Try things out and see what takes your fancy. Go from there.

I think masculinity has nothing to do with what you do but everything to do with how you do it. The first step of the how is accepting and understanding that yours is the responsibility of choice and action. No one is going to live your life for you or make your choices for you. Step up to the plate and start swinging mate.

scamper_22 · 2014-06-15T21:18:13+00:00

That is a very good question.

Here's my 2 cents.

Let's face, most men throughout history have not been the 'alpha-male' people advocate here. There have always been intellectuals.

What I see in your post in actually a lot of what 'women' think makes up a man. Tattoos, aggressiveness, competitive, guns... Being a man is not about bring a burly oaf.

As a side note, I think this is also why population without good father figures, like African American population, have males who want to be more masculine, but have no idea how. So they embrace this burly oaf like character. Strange eh? Men raised by women without father figures end up embracing the biggest cartoon like male stereotype.

So how to be more manly. 1. Work on your physical. You might not be big, but get in physical shape. Every study on Earth links your physical well being with your mental. 2. Learn about the world. You claim to be an intellectual, so keep that up. Be well read. Create your view points. Stick by them. Debate and argue rationally. 3. Have some self-respect. Always have this in the back of your mind. See people for who they are and what they are. You think you're on the bottom of the 'totem pole' You're not. Do you have a decent job? IF you do, you're better than 1/2 the population. Are you a druggie? Been to jail? Are you trustworthy?...Be proud of that and know your worth. If a women comes up to you, ask yourself, what does she have to offer me. 4. Weighing your options and thinking is a good thing. Keep doing that. Who is telling you to stop doing that and act rashly? Have some self-respect and know that is a good trait. 5. Build your own life. Nothing is more manly than building your own life.

T4-FLow · 2014-06-15T21:32:36+00:00

Hit the gym and do what fascinates you intelectually, study it and learn all you can of it and more.

[deleted] · 2014-06-15T21:35:54+00:00

I'd recommend the 'Blueprint Decoded' if you can buy it. I found that to be a good roadmap for making myself into the man I wanted to be. I second everyone else's thoughts on hitting the gym and taking up MMA. (or get proficient in firearms if you live where you can get them) Here's a really good article written about this not too long ago.

Blood_Vaults · 2014-06-15T21:48:12+00:00

I had to join the USMC infantry. I was raised by a single mom. I was pretty worthless kid but I always looked up characters like Captain America, Batman, stuff like that and decided I didn't want to spend the rest of my life being a WOW nerd and a cubicle cattle.

The gym is good, but not enough on it's own. You need to experience actual hardships. Bleed, cry, and sweat. Experience the point where you think you've reached the end of your mental capacity to experience difficulty and push past it. Martial Arts are great, if you spar. You'll get valuable time and experience competing against another, and it will build mental toughness which is the foundation of physical toughness. Firearm Marksmanship will teach you discipline, patience and control. Learning handy skills will teach you self reliance and accomplishment.

The key is to never waste a day. Do something everyday that makes you a better man. Don't just sit down and play Halo all day. Even if it's small. Friday I drove to LA to do the LAPD physical abilities test then went to Crossfit gym. Saturday I drove up to a small firing range in the local mountains and broke in the barrel to my new Daniel Defense DDM4V9 and zeroed in the EO tech optic I put on it for 50/200 yards. Today i'm going (not trying, going to) hit a front squat PR and finish reading the book i'm reading. What was everyone else doing? Playing Halo or watching Netflix while I was outside doing things that I know really engage me, instead of distract me.

Everyday, set for yourself small goals and meet them. Once you are in the habit of continued excellence the big things will fall in place if you work for them. Don't be afraid to fail, it's not the end just a setback.

http://sealfit.com/mark-blog/

Here's a good essay that may inspire you.

TheEntgineer · 2014-06-15T22:14:44+00:00

I can't recommend this guide enough for diet and lifting. I don't have much to add otherwise that hasn't been said already

http://liamrosen.com/fitness.html

loin_fruit · 2014-06-15T22:44:41+00:00

I started to lift and play hockey

cray-cray-cray · 2014-06-15T22:57:26+00:00

I'm a bit indecisive sometime because I like to weigh my options.

That's not a weakness.

People who make decisions and then stick to them in the face of contrary evidence have problems.

People who commit to decisions when they don't need to make a decision have problems.

Out of the things you posted, I'd say this is one of your strengths.

Being "indecisive" is very different from continuing to gather information until you HAVE to make a decision.

GayLubeOil · 2014-06-15T23:56:11+00:00

By learning from males in thier peer group.

beautyisbiochemistry · 2014-06-16T00:49:51+00:00

Are you good at anything in school?

retsage · 2014-06-16T00:53:52+00:00

A lot of great suggestions. One fun one, which you can do when relaxing, is to watch old films from the 1950s-1970s that feature male leads (all of them, really). You can see how they interacted and reacted before gender norms got switched, with obvious Hollywood amplification. Ain't no alpha male like Clint Eastwood in a Sergio Leonne film, or John Wayne in anything.

[deleted] · 2014-06-16T02:44:40+00:00

You should never ever underestimate the importance of a strong male figure for a child.

One of my brothers was raised by a very strong, independent, 'don't tell me how to raise my child', single mother. She worked her ass off to raise him how she saw right. But he is spineless, weak, and incapable of making good decisions. He has effectively ruined his whole life, at the age of 28. He has lost control of his woman and children, and it would be a genie in a bottle method of reigning in that control. Not that I believe he is capable of it, anyway. I firmly attribute his bad life decisions on her methods of parenting.

But, I digress.

Learn how to play poker. Poker is an excellent game for a man to learn. You can be cunning, cheeky, mean, malevolent. Wild Bill Hickock played poker. Kevin Spacey. John Wayne. Those guys probably had dainty wrists.

Get comfortable with knives. That's pretty handy. Get a good steel, and a good blade, and learn how to sharpen it, and cut meat. That's a manly skill to have. Butchers are a very underrated profession, in my opinion. David Carradine was good with a knife. Probably Wild Bill, too. And it might make your wrists less dainty.

Go do cool stuff with nature. David Attenborough is the most amazing man that has ever lived, ever. He is a man that has refused to stop learning and bettering himself. He is has seen things and been places no one else in history has ever been, ever. And the dude is like, 90. And a knight.
Nature is sweet, and men should know their surroundings.

They're good to learn, and they're good to teach. Teachable skills build confidence in anyone.

[deleted] · 2014-06-16T07:04:25+00:00

All of this is subjective. My brother grew up with a 'masculine' father (handy, into sports, big build). But also inherited his bad traits (overly emotional, immature, persecution complex). My point is people are complex. What kind of man do you want to be?

xtr3m · 2014-06-16T07:51:31+00:00

What most people here don't understand is the mental aspect of it all (indecisiveness, timidness, evasion of confrontation) that can't be fixed by just lifting. Having said that, currently my theory is that growing up in an estrogen dominated environment messes up your testosterone pretty good, so theoretically compound lifts should help in that regard.

[deleted] · 2014-06-16T07:55:26+00:00

Hey man* I'm in the pretty much same position as you (was pretty much exactly you a month or two ago) I'll tell you what I did and some of it might help you.

Start off slow. This one was huge for me, too many times I used to get hyped up to better myself and quickly burnt out because I did too much. It's better to get to where you want in 2 years rather than not at all.
Work out. Helped me realise how greatly dedication and hard work pays off, for the first week or two it felt like a chore but I soon fell in love and I feel bad if I eat unhealthily or don't workout because I know it's not what I really want.
Start a "Journal". Really helped me clear my mind and figure out exactly what I wanted and how to do it. If I don't write it down it's just an idea, but if I write it down it's a goal. It really motivates me to do something so I know I can cross it off my list (found this advice here, strike out the words don't erase them so you can see what you've accomplished). I have a list of goals for the year, each month and each week, this really just shows what I want as a whole, steps to get there and how to actually do it. Ill use an example from my book, Goal for year:find hobbies/a passion, goal for month: explore gardening as a hobby, goal for the week: draw up plans for an above ground vegetable garden. I then added the goal of going out in a few days to buy the wood and begin planning. This is probably the best advice I can give you, it really helps you want to work towards something specific.

Like I said I'm pretty much exactly where you are so there's not that much advice I can give you, this is what I've done over the past 8 weeks and it's improved my life phenomenally. Good luck buddy, I'm not sure if this is what you were after but I sure hope it can help you somehow.

Edit*: mad to man

marlybarrow · 2014-06-16T10:23:44+00:00

If you would like a short book on masculinity and what it takes to be a man, "The Way of Men" is what you want to read.

Basically, the individual man has spent >95% of its existence working, living and competing within a group/gang composed of men he trusts. Even though we no longer need to roam the wild with a band of brothers, the qualities that were required during prehistoric times are still highly valued today. Those qualities (Strength, Courage, Mastery and Honour) and their cultivation will enable you to reach your masculine potential.

[deleted] · 2014-06-16T11:52:04+00:00

I sent my piece of advice through Private Message.

I see myself in this guy, and I want to succeed just as much as him, I feel like if he can succeed then obviously I can only, and the same is applied in the reverse.

[deleted] · 2014-06-16T12:32:15+00:00

Well, I'd say I fit in this category. Definitely didn't learn much from my dad, except when I did construction work back in high school. No, I didn't get ripped because of it, because I was chubby.

Start with one thing at a time. Lifting, etc - the things described on /r/BecomeAMan are a good list. Take your time - think of this as a 3-5 year transformation, not something you can do over a few months.

I am lucky to have an inherent passion for learning, so for me finding new hobbies is the easy part. Try to cultivate a desire for learning new things. When I get curious about something, I spend several weeks learning it and get so good at it, you'd think I've been doing it for years. A few examples: guitar/piano (self-taught), drawing, electronics (circuits & shit, not iPods), photography, restoring straight razors, working on my motorcycle (in progress). These are just some ideas, and you can learn all of this on your own, just like I did. No need to spend your money on bullshit tutors (unless you want to and can afford it).

Things I have lined up for the future: archery, shootin' air rifles. The summer is just starting!

Don't let excuses like "I have small hands" stop you. I have small hands compared to a lot of guys, but I use them regardless. To give you an idea, most overweight women have bigger hands than me. It's not about the size, it's how you use it ;)

nouveaugosse · 2014-06-17T04:57:56+00:00

I grew up without a father. It definitely puts you at a disadvantage, but it can be overcome. I am 32 now, but I spent a good bit of my early 20's figuring things out. Yes it can, and should come with age. I'll briefly share with you the things that worked for me, and address some of the things you mentioned in your post.

Don't obsess about your size. There will always be guys bigger than you. Its mostly unimportant. Confidence is key, so focus on building that.
Don't be indecisive. Indecision shows a lack of confidence and people will pick up on that, especially women. But temper your decisions with thought. Don't be impulsive. Remember the words of Davey Crockett "Be sure you're right, then go ahead."
Take up a contact fighting sport such as boxing, mma, martial arts etc. Become sufficient at it. Get comfortably confident with getting hit, and know you can take it. This will build confidence.
Take up a hobby that challenges your logical and mechanical thinking, such as restoring cars, motorcycles, woodworking etc. This will increase your problem solving skills. Once you have one hobby like this under your belt, you'll easily be able to fix anything around your house. You'll also build friendships and camaraderie.
Think of something you're afraid to do, and just do it. Conquer a fear. I had a fear of heights that had been with me since childhood. I am now an avid rock climber. I cant tell you how much that has boosted my confidence.
Take a trip to foreign country or unfamiliar place with no plans or arrangements. Force yourself to rely on your instinct, intuition and even the kindness of strangers. I undertook a journey like this at 22, and it was a turning point in my life.

Also just remember growth is painful and uncomfortable, it's going to suck most of the time, but you'll be better for it in the end.

Always remember it could be worse.

I grew up mostly without a father, and I was left to take care of a mother who was suicidal. Some day I'll do a post on how that affected my view and relationships with women.

Chin up bro, and get to work.

Title	How do males with no male father figure become masculine?
Author	qzbsiz
Upvotes	21
Comments	30
Date	June 15, 2014 2:44 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/TheRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/287cc4/how_do_males_with_no_male_father_figure_become/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/TheRedPill/how-do-males-with-no-male-father-figure-become.16699 https://theredarchive.com/post/16699

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