Book Club: Fascinating Womanhood Chapter 3 Accept Him at Face Value

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Chapter 3 Accept Him at Face Value

Welcome RPW. My name is JanuaryArya and I’ve made a resolution to lead a book club of Fascinating Womanhood. We will review one chapter a week. I find that I digest “self help books” easier if I really try to take my time, read the content, and often reread it. I will be making weekly posts, and I encourage you to join the discussion, especially if we have assignments that we care share. We just got started so please, join us. Last week was an important Chapter, if you missed it, please find it Here

Acceptance

If you want a Happy Marriage, accept your husband at face value and don’t try to change him.

Anyone in the mood for a two minute video about acceptance and trees? I thought it was cute.

Everyone has free will, including your Captain. Having an intimate relationship with our Captain allows us the privilege to see the whole man, the things we admire, and his weaknesses. We need to accept him as an entire individual, who has free will.

Acceptance is a happy state of mind when you realize that your responsibility is not in making him over but in appreciating him for the man he is.

Things we try to change or control-but shouldn’t

Take an inventory of your personal feelings, of things you may internally desire to change about him. These things include

Personal Habits- Things like dietary habits, smoking, drinking, swearing, how they load the dishwasher, where they leave their keys, things like this.

How they Spend Time- This includes whether they are punctual, in a rush, always busy, always at home, time with friends, which friends, video game and television habits.

Duties at work or at home- This category includes the chores at home you feel he neglects, such as repairs, home projects, church obligations, or your opinion of his job and what he does, how ambitious he could be, and how much money he earns.

Social Behaviors- How he carries himself in social situations, this could be too quiet, too boastful, or maybe he just has that one story that he enjoys telling everyone that you’ve heard so many times. This also encompasses your opinions of his friends.

Desires and Dreams- More about his ambition, how decisive he is, how he goes about accomplishing goals, what his vision of your future is. I’ll go off topic again and consider the time that this book was written versus our modern culture. I wonder how polite it would have been to ask these things of a man you were dating. There were many things- like having children, that were just assumed. I imagine it could be quite distressing to be in a marriage with a man who you didn’t have the same vision for the future. I think determining your compatibility with a man in this area would be an important part of vetting. There are many reasons why I respect my Captain, but the way he relentlessly pursues his desires and dreams are a big reason why I love him so much.

Manly Qualities- This one is basically about not being satisfied with his masculinity, a huge no-no. In a few weeks we review a chapter about admiring these qualities, instead of bemoaning them. It’s a good one.

Money- How money is earned, saved, and spent. What could possibly go wrong?

Care of Children- Another aspect that could be a very loaded topic. How he parents, and spends his time with the children.

Religion- Disagreements about spirituality and spiritual commitments

I’m pausing right now to consider my submission to my Captain. Many of these qualities listed above could be very delicate topics to approach. I know that if my Captain needed to address one of these areas with me he would do it tactfully, directly, and it would probably make me feel sore for a period of time even if I wanted to be pleasing to him. Imagine how confusing it must be for a Captain to have a RPW for First Mate, a First Mate who overtly or covertly challenged him on any of these topics. That would really rub me the wrong way.

When you try to change a man because it would benefit you in some way, you are seeking an external solution to something, where only internal solutions will fit. If you are trying to change him for his benefit, you probably haven’t considered the risks you take by doing so.

No matter how carefully worded your suggestion, he will likely respond with resistance, resentments, and even anger.

Here’s where a feeling of gratitude can help us all. Remember thinking grateful thoughts will lead to having grateful emotions, which in turn will cause our actions to demonstrate gratitude. Remember that a Captain needs to have a “soft place to land,” and a place to feel secure. If he’s met with criticism and dissatisfaction in the woman that he shares the most intimacy with, it can cause him to retreat, withhold love, and resent us deeply.

Your open suggestions that he needs to improve can lead to his rejection of you.

Now, what was it that was so important that you would risk poisoning your love in this manner?

Leo Tolstoy

I wanted to take a moment to talk about Leo Tolstoy, and Sofia Tolstoy, as examples from the book. Anna Karenina was one of the most interesting books that I read last year. Actually, it’s one of my top 3 favorite books I’ve ever read in my life. As soon as I cracked the cover, it had TRP all over it. The Wikipedia article that I linked has a super abridged summary of each of the 8 parts of the book, but it’s got everything: Oneitis, beta orbiters, hypergamy, cuckolding, pussy-pass, women defending the hypergamy of others, preselection, branch swinging, nun mode, MGTOW, women being fascinated by MGTOW, threatening suicide, and disintegrating respect for every selfish character who purely pursued their own happiness and ended up with nothing. It was fascinating. …Back to the author, I find it very interesting that he was having issues within his own home. The description of him giving up his luxuries to pursue manual work makes me wonder if he saw himself mostly within the character Levin, who starts out completely beta and is the character who has periods of getting closer to MGTOW or even TRP. It says Tolstoy’s wife rejected him, didn’t accept him as he grew and changed, and didn’t follow his lead, trying to manipulate him. In the end they couldn’t stand the sight of each other.

His dying request was that she should not be permitted to come into his presence…

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Think how noble it would have been for her to have accepted his way of life, let him have the freedom to experiment with his ideas, to test their value. He would have loved her more than in the beginning. She would have lost nothing of any value but gained everything worth having.

What happens when we try to change men

Rebellion

Men need the freedom to be themselves. It’s probable…that when we nag and they still don’t hear us, that it’s purposeful. Men don’t need to know anything about TRP or “frame” it’s just a natural part of being a man to resist our nagging and mothering. I know that RPW endorses a more neutral way of coming to our Captain. Is it “Come to him with your problem, not your solution?” -something like that. This makes it possible to communicate, while letting him continue to lead.

Self-Righteousness and Superiority

When you try to improve your husband, you reveal a serious flaw in your character, the fault of self-righteousness. You indicate that you consider yourself better than he.

One thing that makes it difficult to overlook a fault in a man is that his faults are different than yours…Because your faults are different, you may focus on his and overlook your own.

Consider how unattractive we consider that trait to be in others, and then take a long, humbled look at yourself. I’m sure we can spend our energy thinking critical thought about other’s in a much more productive way.

Men are usually wise enough to want what is best for them, but don’t want to be pushed

How you can Help a Man to Change

1. Give him his freedom.
2. Appreciate his better side - (Our next Chapter)
3. Live all of Fascinating Womanhood: When you apply these teachings, it’s miraculous, but your Captain’s Faults tend to disappear.

When you should help a man change

1. When he is blind to his faults. – First off, there are way more qualifying statements for this over simplified title. And in fact, I almost didn’t want to summarize any of this section, but I’m putting this is here because it is in the book. So let’s talk about a man who is blind to his faults. They use an example of a doctor who is unfriendly to his patients. Then we consider:

Before correcting your husband, be certain that his mistakes are causing him problems.

And then I think we should extend this to add, Did he ask you for advice? I know plenty of unfriendly doctors who get the job done. So if your unfriendly doctor Captain is asking you for advice about a bad yelp review, then you could give your opinion, but in most cases, if you are not also a doctor, he probably just wanted you to support him without giving him your opinion. My Captain sometimes talks to me about things going on with him at work. Most of the time I just ask vague questions to keep him talking, without making any suggestions. In the end, it was an exercise of him brainstorming his own thoughts out loud without asking me to fix his issues.

Make sure your effort to change him would be worth the loss.

2. When he is abusive to his children. When cruel words and unjust punishment endanger the child and the relationship to the parent. I think this speaks for itself.

3. When there are things that you cannot live with: If something is so unbearable to you that it is “Making your life miserable” This could include: His mistreatment of you, Criminal Activity, Alcoholism, and Infidelity. I think many of these things could hopefully be eliminated through proper vetting. All are very unfortunate circumstances that I won’t discuss at length in here. But you shouldn’t be following an unfit Captain who is not leading you, don’t lower your standards on this.

Rules For Acceptance:

1. Get rid of self-righteous attitudes
2. Accept him as part virtue, part fault
3. Give him his freedom to be himself
4. Don’t try to improve him
5. Don’t use other men as shining examples
6. Look to his better side
7. Express acceptance in words

Assignment

1. List His Faults: Make a list of your husband’s faults which annoy you, things you find difficult to accept. It is best to face this honestly. You need to know what you must accept. Later if your marriage becomes troublesome, refer to this list to see if you are failing to accept something.

Note: It is against subreddit rules to complain, and I think it would be in poor taste to share any of the contents of this list. Also: deeply consider that thoughts become feelings, and feelings become actions. Do not go on a thought experiment looking for faults that you never noticed before. This list is private, and if you have intrusive thoughts of inner complaints, then you already know what they are. Don’t search for them.

1. As an icebreaker: Say something like this: “I am glad you are the kind of man you are. I can see I have not understood you in the past and that I’ve made many mistakes. But, I am glad you have not allowed me to push you around. You have not been like putty in my hands, but have had the courage of your convictions. Will you forgive me for not understanding you, and let me prove to you that I can be a wonderful wife?” You may feel insincere in telling him these things, for your critical attitudes may not have disappeared, but do tell him, and look to his better side. When you do, your acceptance will become easier, more natural, more sincere, and will continue to grow.

2. Love Booklet: Make or buy a little love booklet to write down loving things your husband says or does as you begin to apply the principles of FW. Write down any favorable reaction to the above assignment.

3. Read Chapter 4: Appreciate Him, Look to his better side.