This is my second post on TRP, after my first being about coming out of my abusive relationship.

I'll provide a quick update for how things have been going since then. I've started eating healthy again, I'm naturally fit but I'm working out none the less, although I could be doing it more often. About a week after I was out of the relationship I started spinning two plates. One was a slut I picked up casually, and the other was a different ex girlfriend who came back to me confessing how it was a mistake to end our relationship, and how no other guy was like me, etc, etc girl bullshit. Had some good sex as I built my character back, the slut loved how I treated her (All I ever did was fuck her and leave), and my ex told me how she loved how sexy I had become (I told her to know her place, and that she's here for pleasing me, nothing more). Sure, seems like asshole behavior, I honestly couldn't give a fuck. After a while I got bored of them and left, got some more plates. Did same routine with them, and moved on. Kept fucking and moving on. I would keep a girl around for a week tops, and then cut off all contact. I realized I don't find as much satisfaction in fucking them, as I do in playing them. Sure, sex is good, I need that shit to keep me level headed. But playing with a girls mind and emotions is just so much more interesting. It was also fun watching them struggle to make me into a good guy or get any form of commitment out of me. They try all the basic shit, walking away, jealousy, crying. Pure comedy. Some in a devastatingly last attempt claim I'm an arrogant prick who will never be happy nor have love. Yeah, I'm pretty arrogant. Blah, blah, blah, you get the basic idea, I like to start spinning plates, but don't bother to keep them spinning.

Now here's where shit starts fucking with me. I'll shed some back story on a girl from my past. This was before my abusive relationship where I was a natural Alpha. Let's call her L. We fell for each other fast and hard. We never officially had any form of commitment, but we were always together. People would ask why we aren't dating, being a normal couple, if we were seeing other people, and all of that typical societal bullshit people like. We weren't seeing other people, but we never told the other we were exclusive either. Nothing needed to be spoken, it just was. Shit felt right, everything she did, everything I did. It just fit. Fast forward and she ends up doing heroine, lands herself in the hospital. Her friend, I'll call her O, told me what had happened, because she knew I should be the first to know. I had been fine with L doing weed, I'm a laid back guy, and it's honestly not a big deal. But this was too far. No druggie will ever get to bear my children. I said my goodbyes to L, and left.

Back to present day, I'm kind of bored. Yes, I'm always fucking bored. I ask my female friend who is friends with L and O to tell O to talk to me. She sets it up and O texts me. We meet up and talk. She tells me about how L is doing, how L is going through everything she can so she can be better for me, and how she knows I have my own issues so she's keeping her distance for now. Currently L is sick and wanted to tell me something. During this entire conversation I realize how gorgeous O is, and how she has none of those bullshit feminist qualities most girls possess in this day and age. She's a reserved girl, only dated one guy who she loved until he passed away 11 months ago, hasn't even been with another guy since. I'm kind of interested (I know I'm cold and heartless). So I start doing my thing with her, and she is falling for me. Or at least I think she is, I can't really tell, I just assume all girls want me until told otherwise. And I wont lie, she's growing on me. My frame never budges with her though. She calls me cute names, trying to insult me, always flirting and smiling. She sometimes gets upset and tells me she doesn't think we should be doing this because of L, but I brush it off and kiss her, and she forgets all about it. I'm thinking it's time for a new relationship. Today I got told by my female friend that L needs to meet me, and it's really important. Sure, let's see what's up. Fucking dumbass. I go to meet her and as soon as I see her my heart gets fucked up. During the entire conversation I say nothing, as she explains to me the entire year after I left. I can't make myself recite it on here, no matter how hard I try. But every word she said to me, made my heart break. And she ended off with telling me she knows that I have things going on in my life that cause me to be the way I am, and she will wait for me. She told me that one day we will be so happy and that she will always love me. I just looked her in the eyes the entire time, and left after her last words. The genuine love and affection on her face is still present in my mind. Yes, I know it's genuine. I've manipulated enough people in my life to know the difference. I go back to O and I'm feeling totally psychologically and emotionally fucked. We just hang out a bit but she can tell that I'm being reserved. I zoned out a few times which took her yelling my name to bring me out. I left early and tried to sleep, but couldn't and now I'm writing this shit.

Today I realized that there was only one girl who I genuinely had feelings for and that was L. And those same feelings are now rising for O. But L is still there and I don't think our on going chaos can ever end, and deep down, I really don't want it to end. I do not care about fucking these girls, I know exactly where my line between love and lust is. I know love in this century is unlikely, but I'm feeling it, and I'm feeling it so hard it hurts.

I know TRP usually doesn't support True Love shit, and I respect that. But I needed to get this out, and I need some advice on what to do. I do want a loyal strong woman, and I want her to bear me sons so they can continue my legacy. I'm fine with not getting the woman part, and will move on and continue my life, because my life is ultimately about making sure my children are incredibly well off.

Just give it to me straight, what the fuck is happening, and what do you recommend I do?

Thank you in advance, brothers.