How do you deal with a flake?

updock · 2014-07-11T11:50:24+00:00

I think what you're asking is how to deal with oneitis. How to deal with a flake is easy - you delete her number and move on. But this is your first and you think she's special (spoiler alert, she isn't. she doesn't love you. she's dating someone else but cheats a lot).

Fuck her if you want. If she flakes send something very low effort and expect to never talk to her again.

re-rebuild · 2014-07-11T12:00:03+00:00

The answer is you don't deal with her.

Every time she flakes and you're okay with it, you're breaking frame.

Avoid contact; next.

RedBigMan · 2014-07-11T13:21:57+00:00

IMHO Women should only get one opportunity to flake.

The best way to deal with flaking is soft next. Stop communicating until she initiates. If she repeatedly flakes then hard next because she's wasting your fucking time and I mean that literally... It's time you could be spending fucking other bitches :)

Algermas · 2014-07-11T11:20:53+00:00

"Alright", after that she reschedules or she doesn't, I don't care.

krohlm · 2014-07-11T13:22:29+00:00

[permanently deleted]

PaulRivers10 · 2014-07-11T20:08:06+00:00

Oh man, there's way to much of the bitter crowd commenting.

There's a huge difference in dealing with a girl that's flaking on you that you just met, vs a girl who you slept with before, talks about wanting to do it again, etc etc. It's stupid to throw away girls you've already established sexual connection with who go to effort to sleep with you, just so you can feed a sense of narcissistic control.

Your context is that a girl who you slept with before, still seems to have sexual feelings for, and I assume you'd still be interested in sleeping with if she was single went from having a boyfriend and keeping her distance to apparently having a boyfriend but being interested in hanging out.

You have some options:

Distract her. Talk about something that's not inherently sexual that you're going to do together that her emotions can focus on and not feel bad about feeling excited about. Whether it does or does not become sexual is something that one can worry about when she's there in person. Talk about other friends that are going to be there, it's not a "just you and her" thing.

Or demonstrate value - talk about things that make you sound high value - friends, parties, things you were successful at.

Give her an out - tell her you had some other plans come up that you could do, and it would be fun to hang out but you were thinking about this other stuff to.
Agree and Escalate - just tell her that the closer it gets to her visiting, the more you keep thinking about pinning her down and ravaging her, and you're not sure that if she wants to stay with her boyfriend that things would work out if she visited.

The thing is, what is the context on her side? Well, she got a boyfriend, kept her distance, now she wants to see you this weekend. Well...maybe it's because she's not that interested in her boyfriend any more. Maybe her boyfriend isn't that interested in her. Who knows.

I'm hesitant to recommend this one because you said "agreed provisionally to seeing me this weekend", but sometimes the girl is in a situation where she doesn't really like her current relationship, but she doesn't want to trash it for the chance that you're interested in her. Making it explicit - with a girl you've already slept with and has feelings for you - makes her drop her ego-protecting "well, I'm not sure" facade and make a clear decision.

Even if she turns you down now, she might realize things aren't good enough with the boyfriend in a couple days or a couple of weeks and start contacting you again, this time with no boyfriend.

The downside is that this can scare her away if she's more on the fence and her viewpoint is not that she knows she's bored with her boyfriend, but that she hasn't acknowledged to herself that she is.

I don't have the info from your post to know which way to go - there's a lot of context and some risk with any approach.

However, I would add that a girl who "agreed provisionally to seeing me" isn't flaking to decide not to do it. Flaking is when a girl says she is coming, but then doesn't show up.

There's absolutely no reason to throw out a girl who you already slept with before and still admits to sexual feelings towards because this one time, you invited her to come visit and she was on the fence because she had a boyfriend, unless she's consuming your time. If she's not going to do something now, it could be that with no effort on your part she'll contact you in the future - she got bored of her boyfriend, they broke up, now she wants sexual validation without all of the new-guy complication and she'll come to you.

You don't always have control over your situation, do what's best for you long term rather than throwing it overboard for a momentary feeling of control.

QQ_L2P · 2014-07-11T15:55:19+00:00

If she flakes she flakes man, nothing you can do about it. Best ways to respond are either:

1) Not at all. She either respects your time or she doesn't and if she doesn't, SOP is to next her.

2) If she send you something after she flakes hoping to reinitiate contact, I would personally say she's trying to string you into orbiter status. Girls love the validation of other guys, your time and attention are the most valuable things you can give. If she sends something like "heyyy, how's it going. Sorry about the weekend", a simple "I don't appreciate my time being wasted" before cutting off all contact suffices. Hell, maybe that's even too much, see what other responses you get in this thread.

For future reference though; Firstly, if she's admitting all this stuff to you and putting out feelers to meet you, she's doing it with other guys. Especially if she has a boyfriend. Secondly, you never agree to a meet. You tell her where you are going to be meeting and you tell her to be on time (In a jovial manner of course. You're not a drill sergeant). Thirdly, always have something else lined up. It can be going out with other friends or going home and reading a book you always wanted to get around to reading. It doesn't matter what it is, but your time is the most important thing here, not her, not sex, your time. Finally, if you find yourself mulling over the situation with this chick and suddenly get the urge to text her first after her display of rude behaviour, you may be developing oneitis. In that situation I would recommend you go and bang another chick. Nothing like the taste of new prospects to put everything into perspective. It's all about the abundance mentality mate.

JP_Whoregan · 2014-07-11T16:05:45+00:00

Radio silence. If I'm interested enough, a woman gets ONE free flake coupon. Twice? Next.

If she has the decency to text me that she's gonna flake on an outing, I simply respond with "K" and don't say anything else. No more communication the rest of that day/night. More times than not, that will get the hamster spinning, because what she's expecting you to do is to start qualifying yourself and begging for her to go out with you. By silencing, you're communicating that you have options and are now exploring them, now that she's backed out of your meet-up.

2014-07-11T11:00:08+00:00

depends on the tone of your previous interactions obviously, but Heartiste recommends "gay". Only use it if it sounds like something you'd say. Doesn't work for me because I'm pretty serious in my text convos, so if I said it it'd sound bitchy. I do something like "next time". Don't reply to anything they say afterwards unless it's a rock solid reschedule (not "maybe next week").

Azediae · 2014-07-11T11:40:32+00:00

What do you mean by "deal with a flake" in this case? What's your optimal desired outcome?

otiswild · 2014-07-11T14:57:35+00:00

Go for it.. If she flakes, it's her loss. Just be (or seem) too busy to give her much thought.

Esminia · 2014-07-11T15:21:11+00:00

You won't get anything better from her than a fuck, unless you are already married with her and plan to make her stop from being a flake.

Fuck and move on, or just move on. Sorry for you.

Doomsday_ · 2014-07-11T19:50:47+00:00

she has agreed provisionally

Wtf does this mean? We need full details on the situation in order to make a judgement. What exactly did she say? Usually a provisional agreement is not a real date.

If she flakes by text, either ignore her text for a while (several days to a week), then re-engage with a non-sequitur "feeler" text to gauge her interest. If you instead want to reply to her flake text directly, you could wait a couple of hours or a day and text back "gay," "pfft," or ". . ."

The more aggressive option is for you to flake first. If you think she'll flake, you can cancel on her first to get her hamster going ("does he not want to see me?"). Then ignore for a few days before you try to reschedule.

More generally, you should be pursuing/dating other women at the same time as this is going on. You won't care as much about flakes if you have multiple prospects.

xwm · 2014-07-11T15:20:44+00:00

Future reference, this belongs in /r/asktrp

Title	How do you deal with a flake?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	5
Comments	17
Date	July 11, 2014 10:57 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/TheRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/2aezy9/how_do_you_deal_with_a_flake/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/TheRedPill/how-do-you-deal-with-a-flake.17784 https://theredarchive.com/post/17784

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