My gf just went out to see a friend, what should my reaction look like?

Archwinger · 2015-08-11T19:36:01+00:00

It's really, really, really easy to get away with cheating. If your girlfriend really wants to cheat on you and really doesn't want you to know, you never will.

You don't detect this by monitoring your girlfriend's activities and worrying about it (though if you really want to keylog her phone and computers, that'll get to the bottom of things really quickly). You detect this by watching your girlfriend's attitude and deference to you.

Women are serial monogamists. They love one man at a time. That man just changes. If she's into someone else, then she doesn't respect you. She can't hide that. She's going to start picking random fights, stop being interested in things about you that used to interest you, the sex will taper off or become terrible and she'll start making piles of excuses to get out of it.

You can't win. If she wants to go see another guy and you say no, you're a loser and she fucks someone else. If you say yes, you're a loser and she fucks someone else. So the key is for her to not want to see another guy. That's all about how much of a badass you are.

gqtrees · 2015-08-11T19:04:19+00:00

Plenty of red flags in your post, which may or may not be definite signs of trouble.

She's met him on holiday last year

He was a holiday fling, which means that she has unrealistically fond memories of him.

He's visited her once before we knew each other, he lives a few hours away

He drove for hours to meet her. He is invested in her. He wants to fuck her and has almost definitely done so.

She told me she was gonna meet up with him

She has either fucked him (very likely) or simply knows he wants to fuck her. Yet, she still wants to meet him. Once again, he's driving hours to see her for lunch. He must be hungry.

She asked if I had a problem with her going, which I declined

Big mistake. Also, she told you, without asking if it was okay. She had made her decision. The only reason she asked for your opinion is because she was checking to see if you were suspicious. If you were, she would know to be sneakier.

She asked me if I wanted to come with her which I declined

Second mistake. Although going along for the ride is not the best choice, it's better than the choice you made.

They are meeting in a restaurant a few minutes from here, neither of them are at home in this city

That's where she told you she'd be, which she may or may not be. Or they can go elsewhere after. Or she can blow him in his car in minutes.

She's gonna come home and cook me dinner after she's back

Lol! That helps her feel better about cuckolding you.

[deleted] · 2015-08-11T22:15:59+00:00

She's been gone for more than 2 and a half hours now.

What a surprise. I'm sure she'll have a reasonable-sounding excuse. Sorry, man.

Any idea on how I can gather evidence on if she cheated?

You can do the keylogger thing and also install software on her phone to check her messages. But it's time-consuming, costs money, will make you paranoid, and may not turn anything definitive up. Checking her underwear and purse/handbag may reveal something, if you're lucky. She might have worn something fancy for him and then got changed afterward. It's a slim chance. Women are very careful to not get caught.

Should I just try to fuck her when she comes back and check her reaction?

If you like, but it won't necessarily prove anything. I know quite a few women who are having long term affairs who boast about how they fuck their affair partners and then come home and fuck their husbands and he thinks he's lucky for the extra attention. I've literally heard, "It's a good thing I'm a woman, because I can fuck multiple times in a day, not like a man. Lol!"

I don't want to break things off with her unless I'm sure since she's been good to me so far.

Suit yourself.

Or maybe I should just ask her up front about what happened?

This is the last thing you should do. Whatever else you do, do not do this. She will deny it, gaslight you until you feel bad, and then be far more careful to avoid raising suspicion next time.

Edit: There is one possible way to tell, but it's pure psychological warfare and will end your relationship. The only reason to do it is for closure. You tell you know she cheated. You have to act as though you truly believe and know this, though. She will ask how you know and deny it, etc. You say things like, "I'm not revealing how I know, but I have seen evidence. I want you out as soon as possible. We are finished." Stand absolutely firm and don't budge. Don't tell her anything! Don't make up stories about how someone saw her or anything, because she will find a hole somewhere. Just keep the pressure on and let her talk. She will give you trickle truth. It will start with, "We just went for a walk after lunch." You act like you know for a fact that she is lying and can't believe she would continue to lie to you. She'll be angry and accusatory. She'll make you feel guilty. She'll cry. If you do it well enough her confession will progress and progress and progress. Finally, she'll break down and tell you that it meant nothing and she loves you and wants to make things work. Needless to say, this is a very difficult act to pull off, because it can take hours, or even days, if she leaves to stay elsewhere and call your bluff. Plus, it's a lie, which makes it a risk. And once on this path you are stuck on it. If you ever back off, you're fucked. There is no coming back from this course of action and fixing your relationship. I don't recommend it, but I've seen it work.

Zeparic · 2015-08-11T18:49:19+00:00

This is why LTRs are such a joke. Stop worrying man, if she wants to cheat on you behind your back she'll find a way. I personally don't believe men and women can be friends, with maybe only minor exceptions.

I've made that perfectly clear with my bitch, if she starts seeings other guys, that's fine by me. Go ahead, but don't get mad when I start seeing other bitches. And if that's what our relationship devolves to then I'll terminate it on the spot.

On the flip side, if she's cool with that then chances are you're either too beta for her to care or she doesn't mind being a plate.

The-Ban-Hammer · 2015-08-11T19:10:18+00:00

The whole thing smells fishy.

abdada · 2015-08-11T18:15:39+00:00

Not a lot of details here about your relationship with her.

Did she branch swing to you from another guy?

Has she given you cause to distrust her based on her actions previously?

Why is he visiting her? Is his visit only about her or is it for other purposes?

EGOtyst · 2015-08-11T21:02:09+00:00

This entire situation screams shitty. Seriously man.

I am going to give you advice based on the assumption that you want to preserve this relationship, and keep things on a level playing field/healthy relationship. If not, you juts confront her, keep it cordial, and break things off if she hamsters.

Here's what should you SHOULD HAVE done:

When she asked if it bothered you: Tell her yes, and that if she goes, you are going to lose faith in her. If he is 'such a good friend', invite him into the city to hang out with both of you. If he doesn't show, that is on him. If she balks, lay into her. Alternatively: Feed her the party line - Truthful, but dismissive. Yes, it bothers you, you can't think of a good reason for him to come see her. Her time is her own, and she can have whatever friend she wants. But it bothers you, you can't see a good reason for it, and she can deal with whatever consequences that entails. There is nothing wrong with you being bothered by this.
When she asked if you wanted to go: No. you want him to come here. He is coming to see her. If he wants to be her friend, then he should certainly want to meet you. Tell him to come into town, and you'll even pick up the tab. Alternatively: Again, feed the party line - "Sure. If he is that important to you that you just have to go see him, of course I want to meet him." Go, man up, and make him look like a bitch.
She is going to come home and cook you dinner? Consolation prize for her provider. All of the classic BS lines women are fed: best way to a man's heart, etc. She is placating you because she KNOWS what she is doing should bother you. If there was nothing she was doing to bother you, then she wouldn't care about appeasing you. It is a trap.

The Edit posts:

No boyfriend for 4 years: doesn't matter. boyfriend and hookups are different.
She has.
Of course he is.
Trust is nebulous. Most everyone is trustworthy in a vacuum. It is hard to trust someone when the circumstances are stacked against them, which these certainly seem to be.

At the end of the day, ask yourself this: Would you do this to her? If the answer is no, then it is fucked up for her to do it to you.

So, now that we have gone over what you should have done, let's think about what you should do now.

First answer: go meet them at the restaurant. You changed your mind, wanted to meet her friend. Give some friendly banter of "Since you like me, you must be a good judge of character, maybe I'll find a dude to hang out with..." or something. Then proceed to be awesome. Don't be a petty douche. Just genuinely try and have a good time with your GF and her friend. If things are on the up and up, no biggie, he might even be a cool dude. If shit is going down between the two of them, you find out, and break things off.

My suggestion, now that I think the date is probably over based on the time involved, is come 100% clean when she gets back, in a rational, conversational tone. Tell her you lied earlier about it bothers you that she went. Tell her it does bother you. There is very little reason for a man to drive far away to see a woman. Quite simply that. There was also little reason for her to go and see him. Lay it out there. If she plays the trust card, that is a bullshit argument. You can easily counter with you not trusting him. Keep the conversation going, focusing on it bothering you that she goes and hangs out with single guys. The end of the conversation should be, from her, something to the effect of "I am sorry. You said it wouldn't bother you, and I believed you."

Then, continue the conversation. Ask her if she had a good time, and get a lot of details on the 3 hour dinner. Since it was such a good time, stress that you want to meet the guy, since they are such good friends. If she balks at that, throw the bullshit flag.

At the end of the day, it is this simple: Involved women shouldn't have much of a reason to go hang out with other guys. Just that simple. Unless it is a brother/cousin/hyper-special circumstance, it just doesn't make sense.

More importantly, and you know this is true, men only have TWO reasons to drive any amount of distance to see a woman, and one of them is only if they are on probation.

If you have a vested interest in this relationship, you shouldn't have let her go. If she has a vested interest in it, and is worth her salt, she should have taken your consternation at face value, and not gone (or not even considered it in the first place, since it is skeezy).

My wife would never consider going to dinner with another single man from out of town. If she did, she knows she would answer to me for it. At the end of the day, if she insisted on it, I would know something in our relationship was wrong.

tl:dr the "Do unto others..." proverb has a flip-side : Hold people to the standard that you hold yourself to. If you wouldn't put them in the situation, don't allow them to put you in the situation.

machimus · 2015-08-11T18:22:49+00:00

If she hasn't been messaging sexually, lunch to catch up isn't really that threatening. Plus, she asked if it was okay and if you wanted to join...I doubt it's a big deal.

Duct_Taped · 2015-08-11T20:44:37+00:00

She back yet OP?

halfunplugged · 2015-08-11T22:56:13+00:00

These situations in LTR always appear to be lose/lose. Besides people saying to just be more awesome in the first place so she never sets something like this up, what's the actual correct course of action? She already made the plans and then last second asks for your permission... sounds like a huge shit test. You fail if you act upset, you fail if you don't 'compete' for her. Is the best way to just say 'awesome! we know you're a great judge of character since you're dating me, I want to meet this guy and make a new friend, let's go have some fun!' and just kill it at the 3-person meetup? I can't see a better alternative.

One caveat is that if she wants to cheat she will. So in that case, why would she even mention she was meeting this guy if that was the case. I feel like she'd have to 'work late' or have another banal excuse if she was actually planning to fuck some guy who drove 4 hours to meet her, right? Maybe that's silver lining.

Also, do we ever consider these types of encounters with other men as her entertaining a beta orbiter? Surely if you're holding an alpha frame she may just want to go out with some beta orbiter for a quick and easy validation hit, but with no intent for sex, because she gets all she needs from you.

Thoughts?

Kalepsis · 2015-08-11T23:24:12+00:00

Ignore it. Go see a friend of your own. You're poly now.

chief_slap_ahoe · 2015-08-12T08:12:21+00:00

So she went and hung out with a orbiter that would take a bullet just to bang her. Oh brother she knew exactly what she was doing. Sorry man. You have a problem on your hands.

That bs about never cheating on you. All it would have took (if it didn't already) is alcohol and very very little charm from him. Think about it. She met him in private for hours. He has tried to bang her. You got the making of a bomb.

TylenolMyLove · 2015-08-12T11:33:46+00:00

Go out and get a woman to see as well. In bed.

Title	My gf just went out to see a friend, what should my reaction look like?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	13
Comments	30
Date	August 11, 2015 6:11 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/3gmdkz/my_gf_just_went_out_to_see_a_friend_what_should/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/my-gf-just-went-out-to-see-a-friend-what-should-my.189404 https://theredarchive.com/post/189404

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