Gave in to my wife's frame. What could have been better responses to hold frame?

rediscover03 · 2015-04-24T18:46:33+00:00

If you keep posting and not actually implementing any of the advice being given, you're going to get banned for being a troll.

You want advice on what to do, go look at any of your other previous posts.

You call the domestic violence hotline yet? You tell her you're going to get a paternity test yet? You ship her back to India yet?

marxistbacon · 2015-04-25T01:48:00+00:00

Hey LCR - still working on it, eh? Good for you.

Yes, your responses were weak but you're trying. I'm going to focus on something I see that I think underlies your frame problem - you are still totally buying into her worldview. Being stoic and being calm - these are just tools. But you want to use these tools to achieve a goal - projecting your vision and your life forwards. Applying great behaviours to a goal is still counterproductive when that goal is tainted. And I think she's tainting your mind.

Can you see how completely corrupt her worldview is, how she totally dominates you with it? And how you almost don't even see that there's anyting wrong with it or the subtle ways she inflicts it on you?

because she feels lonely at home (and she blames me for it. I should tell her to find ways to not feel lonely

First off, it's NOT YOUR PROBLEM that she hasn't made friends yet. She's a grown ass woman. She can join clubs, chat up women at the supermarket, take a class, join meet-up, whatever. But she's blaming you anyway. And your response is to "tell her to find ways not to feel lonely"... you're trying to a fix her problem. But ultimately she's the only one who can make her feel better. Abraham Lincoln said "Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.' Her mind, her problem. Trying to fix a problem like that leads to failure since she will not be happy anyways, and you just feel frustrated that you're not succeeding, and she feels frustrated because she thinks you have to solve it and are failing. Recognize this for a warped and dependent perspective, and don't think you have to solve it, or make excuses for yourself about it.

You know, I completely hate being here in the US, but I'm staying here only for you.

This is classic manipulation through guilt. (It's possible that it's nothing more than a simple statement of fact, but based on your last posts about how she acts, I doubt it). She feels lonely. She feels bad. So she tries to make you feel the same way. Or to make you emotional so you blow up and she gets some attention. It seems like she needs attention through big emotional blowups (which is again, seriously broken), and you've been giving her lots of fuel over the last while. Also, she's trying to get you to give her what she wants (more phone time and more emotional drama) because you "owe it to her" because she's "only there for you". Bullshit bullshit bullshit. At least you see it and try not to engage.

you don't know how to say that to me. Learn to understand what mood and mindset others are and know how to talk to people. Learn to talk properly to me. You are doing many things wrong. You need to change yourself in many ways.

So in her mind, she's judging you. She knows the standards to which you should be measured against, and she can decide to pass you or fail you. Know that you will NEVER win as long as you let her judge you. She will keep moving the bar and you will always feel like this - against the wall, ready to run for it. And the comment about "Learn to understand what mood and mindset others are" really speaks volumes about how she sees the world. It's fine to understand other people's moods. It's not fine to be manipulated by them, or think you have to fix them, or to think you have to be governed by them. Other people's moods are nothing more than how they feel at one given time. They change, they go up, they go down. You spend all your time tracking them and before you know it, all your effort is spent and you still haven't stopped their moods from going up or down. Because they're NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

She: So what do you say to that? Will you change yourself?

So this is just more of her thinking that her moods and her judgement is the be-all and end-all of the world and she's expecting you to buy into it. Manipulative and self-centred little shrew, isn't she now?

Then in your "analysis" you keep mentioning about how you need to have something to talk about when you call her. Can't you see that's you again thinking you need to please her because it's HER requirement that you have a long and fulfilling conversation? You're still seeing the world through HER glasses, my friend. Then you say you won't end the call because you're SCARED of how you will look. Again, you're allowing her judgment of you to control you. Fuck that!

This post is getting way too long. But if you can't see that she is WRONG WRONG WRONG to be expecting you to change, to get into a fight, to take away her loneliness, to feed her need for drama, no amount of stoic calm or cocky-funny comebacks is going to fix this.

You are the prize here - you work, you have resources. When you support her - that doesn't mean she's a queen and needs to be supported and pampered. It means instead that you're a king, disposing your resources and value as you see fit. You have your own goals, your own values, and you need to damn well start living according to them, and not according to her judgments and standards.

TL;DR - read WISNIFG. And stop letting her judge you.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-04-25T01:46:33+00:00

Is this India guy? This guy is pulling our cranks. What the ever living fuck. He is still getting yanked around by his wife because he wants to cut short a single daily phone lunch dates. Then he posts a 10 paragraph discussion?

Repeat after me:

STOP GIVING A FUCK WHAT YOUR WIFE THINKS. HER EMOTIONS ARE NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. YOUR HAPPINESS IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

Why are you so terrified of your wife? What books are you reading today? Do you lift?

strategos_autokrator · 2015-04-25T07:28:06+00:00

I want to reiterate the same message I say over and over and over to you, in every post and private message, yet you always worm out and ignore.

The problem isn't the exact details of how to respond. That is minor stuff. The problem is your frame is very fragile due to your own admitted psychological problems, major abuse and self harm. Here at MRP we are very concerned about you because we worry that instead of facing that problem first, you are spinning your wheels by ignoring it and thinking MRP will fix things. In that case, MPR is not helping you, but giving you a distraction for your hamster to focus on. This wanking instead of focusing on the real issue is hurting you, your relationship and much more in your life.

We kindly ask you to start focusing on getting professional help. Having someone in your corner that knows more about your situation than we ever could is the best and smartest course of action. Think of this as your corner man in your boxing corner. We are not the corner man, we are only other boxers in the same gym you are. Spend time in OYS thread more reporting how you are (or are not) making progress on finding professional help, taking measures against domestic abuse, lifting, etc.

You are trying to win a marathon with a broken leg. You are running, and as you run, asking us what is the best strategy to improve your running pace. We keep telling you: "You have a broken leg, stop running, you are making it worse", and you aren't listening. Reread your posts with fresh eyes, look how many of us have told you over and over the same thing, and you keep ignoring, procrastinating, pretending the issue isn't real, or forgetting about it, until it comes back again to ruin your frame. We haven't warned someone so specifically and repeatedly to Own Your Shit as we had done to you, over and over.

We can't force you to get help. However, just like the marathon organizes can stop someone from running with an obviously broken leg, we can do the same. We will allow you to post if you address the main issue, but we will have to start deleting and giving you timeouts if you don't, as it is the hamster posting, not you. I'm very sorry to have to reach this point, but we have given you plenty of kind warnings that you ignore, and clearly this is only making things worse for you.

Dev_on · Fri Apr 24 18:35:39 2015 UTC

will hope a guy with kids chime in. Most say that pregnancy is the ultimate comfort test

slimcoat · 2015-04-25T03:57:48+00:00

During BP, I used to...

You're still BP.

Did you get a paternity test? Did you leave her yet? This is an abusive relationship and you shouldn't be in it. Calling her over lunch is the least of your problems.

NeedHelpBeta · 2015-04-25T13:24:47+00:00

Next time say you have to go and disconnect the call. You don't need to write a novel about it.

If your wife says anything say "I was busy and had to go"

Grow a pair son.

[deleted] · 2015-04-30T22:38:20+00:00

sigh

with an obviously amused tone: "baby when you're in india you know i'm going to have the damn phone taped/surgically implanted to the side of my head i'm gonna miss you so much"

she feels appreciated (although she knows you're saying this with the usual shit eating grin, for a term everyone uses on here because it's OBVIOUSLY a lie - and meant to come off that way) and shit test passed... also she'll let you off the phone and therefore you guys reenter your frame... (you were getting off the phone, remember?)

I think this would qualify as amused mastery.

pussypiepussypie · 2015-04-25T05:22:08+00:00

Part of the problem with this kind of shit is that you're not only trying to deal with your wife, but you're also dealing with the expectations of her parents/family and yours. If you truly want to unplug, you have to let go of all of that. If you don't, your wife is always going to use your sensitivity to family against you. It's a very effective weapon in her arsenal when used in these kinds of cases.

Title	Gave in to my wife's frame. What could have been better responses to hold frame?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	0
Comments	16
Date	April 24, 2015 6:22 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/33qlof/gave_in_to_my_wifes_frame_what_could_have_been/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/gave-in-to-my-wifes-frame-what-could-have-been.202065 https://theredarchive.com/post/202065

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