Last week I posted that my wife admitted to emotionally cheating on me. She has since denied that, saying it was a poor choice of words. Regardless we are talking about divorce and separation (and were before this came up). Until this event things had been improving on my end since Dec when I discovered TRP. But now I was jealous. I lost all sight of whether my relationship is good for me (or her). I couldn't stand to think she'd migrated her heart away from me. I should've seen it. She'd been increasingly distant and aloof. More snappy with me.

I have a history of jealousy with her. I'm sure this is my issue to work on personally. I think she may also be an attention whore.

This bout of jealousy was set off after I overheard her having a phone conversation with a friend. But this is a man friend I have never met. Last year my wife and I were apart for 2 months. She traveled with friends and shared rooms with girls and guys (and she is not the type to bother changing clothes in the bathroom, she would instead tell guys not to look and then turn around herself - she admitted this but then backtracked).

Toward the end of the trip she called me to ask if she could share a hotel room with a guy for 2 nights. It would save money. He's fat and talks too much, etc. Of course I said OK. Well I don't hear much about this guy except that he is a fan of her work and wants to help with her next project. Actually it is worse than that. She says if I am not interested in filling the role he will be glad to, essentially (not threatening, more like she was excited to work with him). I wasn't sure. Well time passed and turns out he was brought on board without me knowing (not that I have been very involved in my wife's work).

The incident that woke me up to this weirdness happened about 10 days ago. They skyped and she put him on speakerphone part way through to say 'hi' to me (never met, don't care) and left it on speaker after that. The guy is so effusively enthusiastic and happy and basically saying how great she is and can't wait to see her. My wife echoes she can't wait. She also sounds and looks happier than I have seen in a long long time.

Now I am looking back at the summer and realizing she was being hunted. Over the course of days I make a total beta (even worse beta) of myself pressing her about the emotional cheating, about the travels, about this guy. I know there is so much wrong with this picture - I mean my behavior. But I can't coexist with this girl thinking she's cheated on me and not admitting it and still in a relationship with him.

I actually explain my jealousy to her. I own it. I say I am insecure in our relationship. Please hear out my feelings. Because I felt I have to know the truth, and I guess I don't believe her. So I ask lots of things and she knows she is being interrogated. That was she says, but to me it always feels like I am just trying to follow the logical path of conversation and calling her out on what she actually says (then she takes it back). I asked about related things several times a day for 3-4 days now. She hates it. She gets so angry.

I have been saying, I don't think you cheated, I trust you, I'm not mad at you, BUT I think you may be unaware of how this guy feels for you and unaware of how your behaviors can innocently destroy a marriage. Still so hard to get past the defensiveness. Last night while I was talking about my insecurity via specifics and she says lets look at this guys facebook photos. So I can see he is unattractive. I didn't catch it last night somehow, but his profile picture features my wife. The description complements her inner strength type of thing. I click to the next photo and find that approximately 25/30 of the next pictures contain my wife. A handful of just her. A couple close portaits. Other people too in most, but no other person that was present the time those pics were taken is seen more than say 5 times except my wife.

I showed this to her this morning. She saw the light for about 5 seconds. But then got angry and stormed out of the house. My jealousy is killing our relationship. A relationship that granted has been struggling intensely. We've both been unhappy a long time. I found TRP in December and things were improving in January despite serious divorce talks because I was valuing myself more and considering matter of factly with her the pros and cons, whereas before divorce was usually just a threat from her. (She left me once a year of so into our marriage and threatened it again many times over the years.)

I started lifting. I started to understand that I am a viable age and can still attain a good SMV. That I don't need my wife. I still know these things now. But it in heat of jealousy the last few days I sometimes lost sight of these things. I couldn't stand to loser her. Seems like a very childish emotional response on my part.

So she stormed out after the facebook pictures. She's back now. She talked to a counselor on the phone. Has been advised that my jealousy is irrational and that I am being aggressive and not respecting her space, etc. Further advised to let me know that if I bring it up anymore she is getting a hotel room tonight.